46 pages • 1-hour read
Call It What You Want
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Themes
Content Warning: This section contains depictions of emotional abuse, substance and alcohol use, and sexual content.
The Fallacy of Saving a Partner Through Love
Call It What You Want critiques the romanticized notion that one person’s love can heal another’s trauma. The novel presents this idea as a fallacy, showing how Sloane’s attempts to “save” Ethan from his past lead only to her own heartbreak and self-abandonment. Through Sloane’s painful journey, the narrative argues that internal change cannot be forced on someone and that relationships built on one-sided emotional labor are ultimately unsustainable. This critique is established from the outset, with an epigraph framing the story as a cautionary tale for any woman who has believed she can “be enough to change him” (i).
Sloane’s relationship with Ethan is defined by her unwavering belief that her love can be the antidote to his emotional unavailability. She consistently rationalizes his commitment-phobia, viewing his trauma not as an insurmountable barrier but as a problem she can help him overcome. This dynamic creates a recurring cycle of heartbreak: Ethan pulls away, overwhelmed by his past, and Sloane waits, convinced that her patience and affection will eventually lead to a breakthrough. This pattern reinforces her role as a hopeful savior, but it also traps her in a state of emotional limbo, waiting for a change that Ethan is not equipped to make. Her efforts are based on the flawed premise that love is a curative force, a belief that keeps her tethered to a painful and unfulfilling dynamic.
The fallacy of Sloane’s approach is further highlighted through the development of her writing, which symbolizes her emotional relationship with herself. For Sloane, love can only be directed outward; she doesn’t feel worthy of receiving love unless it comes at a high emotional cost. Her attraction to Ethan is partly an attraction to a project, the challenge of fixing someone broken—his subsequent love for her, she believes, is the reward for her hard work. Her eventual breakup with Ethan confirms the futility of her efforts and the fallacy of her illusion. Just as it’s not her job to heal Ethan, it’s not Ethan’s job to provide her with fundamental feeling of self-worth. The novel concludes that finding healing and wholeness is an individual’s responsibility, and attempting to save a partner often comes at the cost of abandoning oneself.
Defining Self-Worth Beyond a Relationship Label
The novel explores the struggle to establish self-worth when it is tied to external validation, particularly through a romantic relationship label. Sloane’s journey through her undefined “almost relationship” with Ethan illustrates the peril of anchoring one’s value in a partner’s willingness to commit. Sloane constantly fantasizes about having the perfect romance, the perfect soulmate, and the perfect marriage. Every interaction with her friends or her short relationship with Reese makes her reflect on the possibility of a future with Ethan. Whether he’s in her life or not, the success of their relationship defines Sloane’s happiness. Even Sloane knows this isn’t healthy, but she can’t find an alternative. As her relationship with Ethan becomes more troubled, she begins to accept that true self-acceptance cannot be granted by another person but must be cultivated internally.
For most of the novel, Sloane’s self-worth rests on Ethan’s decision to define their relationship. His refusal to do so leaves her in a constant state of anxiety, interpreting his emotional distance as a reflection of her own inadequacy. During their first major breakup, she tearfully asks him, “Am I not enough?” (85), showing that she equates his commitment with her value. This insecurity is briefly assuaged by her relationship with Reese, who quickly defines their connection, providing a temporary sense of security and performing many of the romantic acts—like surprising her with a visit to Boston—that Sloane has always wanted. However, her lingering feelings for Ethan demonstrate that a well-defined relationship is not a substitute for genuine self-esteem. As long as her worth is something another person can give or withhold, it remains fragile.
Conversely, Ethan feels trapped by the pressure Sloane places on him to define their relationship. His chapters show that he’s torn between creating a real connection with her and his fear of showing vulnerability. He knows his actions are selfish, but like Sloane, he can’t stop his self-sabotaging behavior. For Sloane, the transformation begins only after she accepts the end of her relationship with Ethan. Instead of seeking another partner to validate her, she channels her heartbreak into her writing. By authoring her own narrative, she discovers a sense of purpose and accomplishment that is entirely her own. In the epilogue, Sloane reflects on having learned to “love [her]self the way he never could” (272), signifying her arrival at a place of self-acceptance. Her fulfillment is no longer contingent on a label, proving that the most stable form of worth is the one built from within.
The Lingering Effects of Childhood Trauma on Intimacy
Call It What You Want illustrates how unresolved childhood trauma shapes an individual’s capacity for intimacy in adulthood. The novel uses Ethan’s inability to confront his past as the primary obstacle in his relationship with Sloane. Through Ethan’s struggle with emotional openness, the narrative suggests that without confronting one’s past, the ability to form healthy, trusting bonds is nearly impossible.
Ethan’s trauma manifests as a conscious barrier he erects to keep Sloane at a distance. Graham explains that Ethan’s parents were imprisoned when he was young and that his mother subsequently deserted him while his father remained in prison, leaving him with a profound fear of attachment and loss. This history informs Ethan’s self-awareness of his own emotional limitations. He warns Sloane that he has “problems that you don’t want to get involved in” (132) but doesn’t her the opportunity to assess these problems herself. He wants love but refuses to let Sloane love him. This forms the core paradox of Ethan’s character: His inability to commit stems from a self-protective instinct, but it also stems from his fear of being pitied. He isolates himself to avoid being hurt, thereby losing the very connection that could help him move past his trauma.
The novel compares and contrasts Ethan and Sloane’s reactions to their childhoods, both of which involve relationships with their parents. Sloane’s parents were together for 18 years before divorcing, and she has a healthy relationship with each of them, even though her situation isn’t ideal. Ethan has a much more complicated situation, and his childhood trauma triggers subconscious emotional reactions that make intimacy feel unsafe. This contrasts with Sloane who, despite her own parents’ divorce, maintains an enduring belief in love and an ability to trust. Her experience highlights that one’s emotional state is not only a matter of one’s childhood experiences, but how one deals with them. Sloane risks emotional intimacy even though it creates the potential for her to be hurt, while Ethan cuts that possibility short by walling himself off emotionally and pushing potential emotional connections away.
Another difference between Sloane and Ethan is that Ethan lacks a creative outlet for his feelings. Sloane’s writing lets her externalize her emotions, approaching them in a safe and structured way. Ethan prefers to compartmentalize, locking his feelings away and engaging in his hobbies—going to the gym, smoking with his friends, and watching sports—as distractions. The novel portrays his inability to connect as both a symptom of a past he has yet to heal and a choice that prevents him from doing so.
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