Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“This idea of multiplicity—the ability to accept multiple realities at once—is critical to healthy relationships. […] Multiplicity is what allows two people to get along and feel close—they each know that their experience will be accepted as true and explored as important, even if those experiences are different.”

The second parenting principle is multiplicity, the idea that two things can be true at once. Dr. Kennedy explains the importance of this not just to the parent-child dynamic but to relationships in general. This is a reminder that Dr. Kennedy’s approach to parenting not only is targeted at children and changing their behaviors but also can help parents build self-awareness in their lives outside of parenting.

“In a family system, some roles are prioritized over others. Safety comes before happiness and before our kids’ being pleased with us.”

Dr. Kennedy establishes that there are certain roles that parent and child need to follow, respectively. Ensuring safety is the parent’s responsibility, and this takes priority over everything else. This perspective debunks the idea that respectful or gentle parenting is permissive, as Dr. Kennedy explicitly states the need to maintain boundaries with children, as their psychological and physical safety is more important than anything else. This entails being firm with the child.

“[O]ur ‘memories’ from early childhood are in fact more powerful than the memories we form in our later years; the way parents interact with kids in their early years forms the blueprint they take with them into the world.”

One of Dr. Kennedy’s 10 parenting principles is the importance of the early years. She explains that children form non-verbal memories in the first years of their lives, which are more powerful than explicit memories in some ways because they contribute to how one’s brain is wired. How a parent responds to a child from the time of their birth influences the way the child perceives themselves and the world well past childhood and points to the theme of The Long-Term View of Parenting.

“Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It’s incredibly demanding, but also […] it requires a huge amount of self-reflection, learning, and evolving. […] parenting is really an exercise in our own development and growth; when we have kids, we are confronted with so many truths about ourselves, our childhoods, and our relationships with our families of origin.”

Dr. Kennedy assures parents that it is never too late to repair a moment of disconnection or “rupture,” whether with one’s child or with oneself. She continually reiterates that parenting is an exercise in self-development as much as it is about raising a child. Situations that one finds triggering with one’s child often point to one’s own unresolved issues from childhood. However, as Dr. Kennedy states, it is never too late to rewire oneself, and thus one’s child, in the context of these issues.

“Resilience, in many ways, is our ability to experience a wide range of emotions and still feel like ourselves. Resilience helps us bounce back from the stress, failure, mistakes, and adversity in our lives. Resilience allows for the emergence of happiness.”

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes that parents should prioritize resilience over happiness, as the latter is merely the avoidance of distress. By allowing children to feel distress and sitting with them through that experience, parents equip a child to deal with life far better than if they just helped their child avoid pain in the moment. This highlights the long-term view of parenting, as parenting is less about immediate results and more about raising children to be self-sufficient individuals over time.

“It may sound counterintuitive, but when we focus too much on judging and changing a specific behavior, we get in the way of that behavior actually changing, because we miss the core struggle that motivated it in the first place.”

Dr. Kennedy consistently emphasizes getting to the root of a behavior before addressing it in any way. Although behavior modification techniques work in the moment, she asserts that they are not effective in the long run, as the unaddressed root cause will manifest in different and perhaps more intense ways over time. This is why she insists on treating behavior like a window and suggests that most disruptive behavior in children stems from a lack of connection. Thus, parents ought to focus on connection over consequence.

“[T]he more you work to reduce shame and increase connection where you can, the more your child will be equipped to handle those shaming moments that are outside your sphere of influence. Because no matter the source of a child’s shame, the best way to lessen it is always the same: knowing they are good inside, knowing they are lovable, and knowing they have worth.”

Dr. Kennedy expounds on why the emotion of shame can be dangerous in children if left undetected and unaddressed. The root problem with shame is that it leads a child to distance themselves from essential parts of their identity, owing to the belief that these parts are not good enough. A constant reiteration of a child’s inner goodness, however, allows them to deal with shame both within a parent-child relationship and outside of it. This idea highlights the themes of internal goodness and the long-term view of parenting.

“Telling the truth will look different in different situations. It doesn’t always mean giving your child the full, unfiltered information they are asking for—sometimes you may not even have that information.”

One of the key parenting principles Dr. Kennedy suggests is honesty with one’s child. However, she distinguishes between pandering to a child’s every question or overwhelming them with too much information and being upfront and sincere with the child, including acknowledging when a parent does not have all the facts. The most important thing with honesty is that a parent remains connected and tuned in to what a child wants and needs to hear and how to help them process the truth.

“Parents […] are the leaders of the family, and children want a sense of sturdiness and self-assurance in their leaders. Selfless parenting is parenting by a leader without a self, and that idea is terrifying to a child.”

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of self-care, not just to replenish a parent’s resources, but also to help them be a better parent to their children. It posits the idea that a parent ought to model being a person who is willing and capable of caring for themselves alongside caring for others. Dr. Kennedy’s inclusion of this in her parenting principles is what makes her approach unique, as it looks out for the well-being of both the child and the parent.

“[W]hen parents struggle with their kids, it almost always boils down to one of two problems: children don’t feel as connected to their parents as they want to, or children have some struggle or unmet need they feel alone with.”

The root cause of most of the disruptive behaviors Dr. Kennedy touches upon in the book is the feeling of disconnection a child experiences with their parent. In each instance, Dr. Kennedy unravels the specific issue to reveal how a need for connection may be causing a certain behavior. This is why she stresses the idea of connection over consequence so intently.

“The more connected we feel to someone, the more we want to comply with their requests. Listening is essentially a barometer for the strength of a relationship in any given moment.”

When discussing the issue of children not listening, Dr. Kennedy breaks down the issue as it occurs within adult relationships as well—non-compliance occurs when one does not feel good about the person making the request. Thus, she demonstrates how the behavior of not listening is truly a window into the status of the parent-child relationship, and it becomes clear why connection over consequence is important in this instance.

“Tantrums […] are a sign of one thing and one thing only: that a child cannot manage the emotional demands of a situation. […] tantrums are biological states of dysregulation, not willful acts of disobedience.”

Dr. Kennedy explains how and why tantrums take place, demonstrating that these outbursts are developmentally normal in young children. By doing so, she addresses the concern of a parent who may be wondering whether something is wrong with their child and allows the same parent to approach their child with more empathy and understanding.

“It’s important to remember […] that these explosive moments happen because a child is terrified of the sensations, urges, and feelings coursing inside their body. When you think of your child as terrified rather than bad or aggressive, you’ll be more able to give them what they need.”

Dr. Kennedy reassures parents that even aggressive tantrums are normal and a sign that their child is terrified and overwhelmed by the emotions they are experiencing inside their body. Once again, with this explanation, Dr. Kennedy engenders empathy and understanding for the child and shows the parent how to remind themselves that their child is still good inside.

“When kids are going at it with each other, they’re ‘telling’ their parents that they feel unsettled, that their sibling feels like a threat to their essential need to feel secure in the family.”

Dr. Kennedy explains that sibling rivalry is both normal and expected, as it springs from a child’s need for attachment. The negative feelings that a child feels toward a new sibling manifest in behavior and signal a need for deeper connection. Besides demonstrating again that behavior is a window, this passage reiterates the need for connection over consequence.

“But my approach to dealing with lying is not about eliciting a confession in the moment. It’s aimed at getting to the core of what’s driving the lying, so we can address that head-on and create an environment where truth-telling becomes more possible.”

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes that her approach to lying does not include strategies that yield immediate confessions. The focus on building an environment that helps a child feel safe enough to tell the truth in the future highlights both the theme of connection over consequence as well as that of the long-term view of parenting. The goal is not to correct behavior immediately but to bring about long-term change.

“Down the line, we want our children to trust their feelings when they’re in truly threatening situations. We want them to follow their instincts when they think, ‘Hmm…something is off here. My body is telling me this isn’t right. I need to leave this situation.’”

Dr. Kennedy examines why it is important to validate and acknowledge a child’s fears and anxiety, rather than trivialize or convince them out of it. Early in the book, when discussing a parent’s responsibilities, Dr. Kennedy touts empathy and validation as key parts of a parent’s job that are as vital as holding and enforcing boundaries. This is a situation that demonstrates the importance of these responses—responding to a child’s fear with empathy and validation sends the message that they can trust themselves and their instincts when they sense danger.

“For me, confidence is the experience of knowing how you feel and believing it’s okay to be yourself, in that feeling, in that moment. A child who isn’t sure they want to join and observes on the side for a while—this can be a form of confidence.”

Dr. Kennedy reframes hesitation and shyness in children, which often worries parents. Rather than looking at hesitation as something to fix, she suggests that a child who hesitates is possibly one who is confident in themselves. They want to wait and watch a situation, only joining in when they are sure they want to, and they are comfortable being apart from the group while they wait. This will become a valuable trait later in life, especially in adolescence, when peer pressure becomes a concern. Framing hesitation and shyness this way thus allows a parent to take the long-term view.

“Here’s a deep paradox about learning: the more we embrace not-knowing and mistakes and struggles, the more we set the stage for growth, success, and achievement.”

While talking about frustration intolerance, Dr. Kennedy hits on the importance of allowing space for mistakes and struggles in order to eventually achieve and succeed. She also uses psychologist Carol Dweck’s concept of the growth mindset to substantiate that the ability to tolerate frustration is rooted in a belief that internal processes are more important than an immediate, eternal outcome. Building this perspective, and subsequently one’s ability to tolerate frustration, takes time and effort on both the parent’s and child’s part; however, it plays into the long-term view of parenting.

“One reason the feeding process can be so emotionally evocative for parents is that, in some ways, it represents our ability to sustain our kids and fill them up with what they need to survive and thrive. After all, a parent’s primary job is to keep their kids alive.”

Dr. Kennedy suggests that food and eating habits can be a struggle for parents because of their own insecurities as a parent, i.e., the idea that when a child rejects food, they are rejecting the parent’s ability to nourish and sustain them. Here, Dr. Kennedy looks at the root cause of the frustration that arises from a situation, not just for the child, but for the parent as well. It goes back to her suggestion that certain situations trigger parents because they elicit emotions within themselves that may have nothing to do with the child.

“Feeling like you have the right to make decisions about your body doesn’t come from a classroom setting or a book; feeling like you have the right to make decisions about your body comes from experience in your early years regarding […] whether you felt you had the right to make decisions about your body.”

Dr. Kennedy explores the idea of consent and how it is rooted in the constant experience of feeling empowered to make decisions about one’s body. Importantly, this is not restricted merely to body autonomy or sovereignty in a physical interaction, such as choosing not to hug a relative, but with everything related to one’s body: Can a child decide when to join their friends in play? Is a child encouraged to listen to their body’s cues and stop eating when they are truly full?

“What would lead me, an adult, to escalate my expression of emotions? […] if I want to have the seriousness of my feelings recognized or my needs known, and I sense that someone is responding to me with disinterest, invalidation, or minimization, then my body would undoubtedly escalate into a more intense expression.”

When discussing tears and crying, Dr. Kennedy debunks the idea of “fake” tears by pointing out how all people, adults included, escalate an expression of emotion when they feel unheard. A child is in true need of connection and is not usually “pretending” to be in distress. This explanation allows the parent to take an empathetic and more understanding stance toward their child’s tears.

“The goal isn’t to make a child impervious to other people’s approval or input, but rather to build up a child’s interiority—meaning who they are on the inside—so that they don’t feel empty and confused in the absence of outside input.”

Dr. Kennedy explains that confidence building is about how a parent reacts not just when things go wrong but also when things go well. Rather than directing praise toward a child’s achievements, parents should direct praise toward their efforts and processes. This allows a child to turn inward and pay attention to their thoughts and feelings, rather than relying on external validation to feel comfortable with themselves. While it does not mean that a child will be unaffected by praise, it does help them feel a sense of self-worth even in the absence of praise.

“[P]arents should aim to help their kids see their perfectionism, not get rid of it. […] we want to help our kids get into a better relationship with their perfectionism, so that they can recognize it when it comes up rather than have it take over the control tower and dictate how they feel and what they do.”

Dr. Kennedy explains how, rather than reject a child’s perfectionistic tendencies, a parent ought to help the child recognize and regulate these tendencies instead. This calls to the incorporation of internal family systems in Dr. Kennedy’s approach: It is important for the child to learn that even the perfectionistic sub-part of themselves is valid and worthy of love. Being able to accept this part will, in fact, help the child better manage perfectionism as it arises, rather than attempting to suppress it and being overwhelmed when it rears its head.