66 pages • 2-hour read
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
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Themes
Everyone Is Good Inside
The underlying principle of Good Inside, as the title suggests, is that everyone is fundamentally good inside. Dr. Kennedy brings up the idea in the Introduction; it is also first on her list of 10 parenting principles, is further emphasized in every parenting strategy she offers, and is underlined in the conclusion as well.
The principle of inner goodness is what defines and feeds into every other principle Dr. Kennedy presents. Remembering inner goodness empowers parents to view behavior as a window because behavior doesn’t equal identity—it merely points to the underlying struggles that emerge from normal emotions. Inner goodness also informs the principle that two things can be true at once, suggesting that it is possible to be a good person and still struggle with things. It is also important to recognize and reduce shame because doing so helps reinforce an individual’s inherent goodness. Even the principle of self-care caters to this idea, as parents need to replenish their inner resources to be better parents and models to their children.
This last principle highlights that inner goodness is not applicable to children alone. In fact, Dr. Kennedy’s writing is directed entirely at parents, and she asserts that parenting is a process through which adults, too, understand their own upbringings better and grow and develop alongside their children. Just as early childhood experiences are crucial in how they wire an individual’s brain, the same brain’s neuroplasticity indicates a capacity for change, to rewire and relearn things differently. Hence, it is never too late for repair whether between parent and child or for parents themselves.
To be able to make these changes, Dr. Kennedy asserts that one must first embrace their inner goodness. One cannot learn from a place of shame and guilt; thus, for parents to move forward and make better decisions for themselves and their children, they must understand that they, too, are good inside. As parents recognize their inner goodness, they apply the same idea to how they approach their children: with empathy and validation, rather than shame or punitive measures.
Dr. Kennedy’s approach to parenting is rooted in attachment theory and the internal family systems model and demonstrates a response to years of mainstream parenting approaches that operate at the level of behavior. Behavior is observable, and research surrounding behavioral modification techniques is evidence based and data driven; thus, it is easier to change behavior in the moment with these strategies.
However, Dr. Kennedy observes that such methods compromise the parent-child relationship—and, ultimately, the recognition of inner goodness—for immediate but temporary results. This feeds into the other two central themes Dr. Kennedy’s book explores: Prioritizing Connection Over Consequence and The Long-Term View of Parenting.
Prioritizing Connection Over Consequence
If Everyone Is Good Inside is the underlying principle of Dr. Kennedy’s book, then the strongest approach among all her strategies is the prioritization of connection over consequence. As she notes in the Introduction, her approach was born in response to how she felt practicing and advising on behavioral modification strategies to parents. She asserts that it didn’t feel right, as it sacrificed the parent-child relationship for the sake of immediate correction of behavior.
Dr. Kennedy puts forth the idea that everyone has an emotional bank account within a relationship, and this account is refilled by connection and depleted by conflict. In this context, “conflict” can be as simple as asking a child to do something they don’t like, like homework or tidying up their toys, or it can come from larger issues, like fear, insecurities, shame, or guilt. The need for connection is innate, based on the child’s evolutionary instinct to attach to a caregiver. More connection signals a stronger attachment and increases the child’s chances of survival; conversely, when attachment is threatened and connection is weak, the child’s brain perceives this as a threat to survival.
This is why Dr. Kennedy suggests that behavior is a window to one’s emotional reality, the supporting argument behind why parents ought to prioritize connection over consequence. Merely stopping a certain behavior does not address the need beneath it, which likely stems from a normal and adaptive emotion the child is experiencing. Furthermore, when parents react in ways that are negative or punitive, it threatens the child’s internal goodness: The child internalizes that not only is the behavior bad, but so are they. They are unable to understand the separation between behavior and identity.
Prioritizing connection over consequence does not mean that one allows disruptive behavior to continue unaddressed; it simply means that parents need to address behavior from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than anger and blame. Doing so keeps The Long-Term View of Parenting in mind. Some behaviors need to be addressed immediately—for instance, an aggressive tantrum requires containment to ensure safety—but it need not involve shame or blame. Lying, however, does not benefit from forced confessions or consequences, as it can exacerbate the child’s underlying feeling of disconnection. In such a situation, building connection in moments outside of the situation is more important so that the child feels comfortable and safe enough to be honest in the future.
Ultimately, Dr. Kennedy notes that since behavior is a window, it needs to be approached not as something that requires immediate change but as something that warrants reflection. Consequences and correction are less effective than connecting with the child; over time, consequences lose their power, and the only thing one can possibly draw on in times of struggle is a relationship forged by repeated connection.
The Long-Term View of Parenting
Throughout the book, Dr. Kennedy reiterates that the strategies she lays out are not going to necessarily yield short-term results or quick gains. They are meant to change something in the child’s environment or strengthen the parent-child bond so that over time, the child’s behavior changes more permanently, with the root causes addressed effectively.
Dr. Kennedy’s approach takes a long-term view of parenting. She acknowledges that parenting can feel exhausting and difficult, and it is understandable, even expected, that parents will snap at their children or do and say things they regret. It can be frustrating to face difficult behaviors that persist in the face of multiple reminders. However, the ultimate aim of a parent is to raise children who grow to be well-functioning adults.
This means accepting that certain behaviors and experiences are normal and developmentally appropriate; they will not persist forever. However, parents need to approach them with an understanding of what is going on for the child in the moment and how the parent’s actions can have long-term consequences. The goal is that a child learns to regulate themselves, to be confident and assertive, and to cope with everything the world gives them.
Keeping this in mind, Dr. Kennedy addresses a range of issues and behaviors often faced by parents and reframes them through a developmental perspective that explains what the child is feeling and what it can translate to later in life. A hesitant or shy child is not a problem; rather, in adolescence, the ability to wait or hesitate until one feels safe and sure is valuable. Similarly, Dr. Kennedy emphasizes that focusing on happiness over resilience may not be ideal; it teaches a child to avoid distress at all costs rather than acknowledge their uncomfortable feelings and learn to regulate them over time.
The reminder that things will change over time is also an important one for parents, and Dr. Kennedy offers mantras for both children and parents to cope with difficult moments in the short term. A child struggling with separation or sleep will not do so forever, and while it is exhausting for a parent to consistently engage, a reminder that their presence is helping build a more secure and confident child can be reassuring.
Thus, Dr. Kennedy’s underlying principle is that everyone is good inside, her overarching approach is to offer connection over consequence, and the larger perspective that her ideas are rooted in is the long-term well-being of the child, the parent, and the relationship they share.
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