How to Giggle: A Guide to Taking Life Less Seriously

In a culture that suggests women need to be chosen by men, Berner and DeSorbo present flirting as a form of female empowerment and enjoyment, identifying it as one of their favorite hobbies. By treating flirting as an amusing pastime, women can feel more confident and in control.

The authors offer six approaches to flirting that women can try in order to derive pleasure from new interactions, particularly heterosexual ones. Their flirting methods include “the long game,” “the sacrificial friend,” “the poke,” “the accident,” “smizing,” and “the silent treatment” (164-65). In the long game model, a woman strikes up a conversation with the friends of the man she’s attracted to in order to win his attention. In the sacrificial friend model, a woman relies on her friend to start up a conversation with the man she’s interested in. In the poke model, a woman sarcastically compliments a man’s attire or behavior. In the accident model, a woman bumps into a man to get his attention. In the smizing model, a woman smiles at a man with her eyes, and in the silent treatment model, a woman ignores the man and simply prays that he notices her. No matter the individual’s chosen approach, the authors emphasize the enjoyable, humorous, and empowering nature of flirting. It’s a way for women to take control of a situation and to act on what they want.

Chapter Lessons

• Treating flirting like a game, enlisting a friend’s help, and remembering to have fun can all make flirting feel less intimidating.
• Flirting is a form of self-expression that can make one feel confident, strong, and in control.
• Women don’t need to wait for a man’s attention; flirting is a way for women to identify and act on their own feelings.

Reflection Questions

• Do you see yourself in any of the types of flirters Berner and DeSorbo identify? How does flirting relate to how you see and express yourself?
• How might testing out some of Berner and DeSorbo’s flirting models help you access a new facet of yourself? Do the authors’ flirting descriptions offer you a new way of thinking about romantic dynamics?

According to Berner’s mother, Lenore, and DeSorbo’s mother, Kim, healthy mother-daughter relationships can help women navigate their ongoing personal evolution. Lenore and Kim hold that motherhood has changed their perspective on life. Although Berner and DeSorbo are now grown women, Lenore and Kim still feel connected to their daughters in mysterious ways. Over time, they’ve learned how to translate their protective love for Berner and DeSorbo into love and care at a healthy distance.

The most important part of establishing a healthy mother-daughter relationship is to be in tune with one’s daughter. This awareness is what Lenore calls “mom math.” Examples include sensing when one’s daughter needs a wakeup call, sensing when one’s daughter needs someone to listen to her, or sensing when one’s daughter needs a reminder to care for herself. For Kim, mom math means preserving family traditions. DeSorbo’s family is Italian, and sharing food is a vital way that they connect. This is just one example of how mothers and daughters can “feel and share love” (170).

Berner and DeSorbo expound upon their mothers’ ideas by sharing their desires for relationships with their imagined future daughters. If DeSorbo were to have a daughter, she would want her to value herself the way Kim helped her value herself. If Berner were to have a daughter, she would want her to know her strength outside of boys and being pretty. The authors’ relationships with their mothers have helped them cultivate a positive self-image. Although the mother-daughter bonds at the heart of the chapter entail familial relationships, the lessons Berner, DeSorbo, and their mothers offer are relevant even to women who grew up without a mother; what matters is the broader legacy of older women mentoring younger ones.

Chapter Lessons

• If possible, cultivating a healthy relationship with one’s mother can teach one about oneself.
• Asking for help and support from the people who raised one is a vital route to self-empowerment.
• For those feeling lost, confused, or alone, a mother (or other caretaking figure) can often offer valuable wisdom and perspective.

Reflection Questions

• How do Berner’s and DeSorbo’s relationships with their mothers offer insight into your own maternal or familial relationships? What do the authors garner from these relationships that you might also garner from your loved ones?
• Lenore and Kim suggest that communication, listening, and upholding traditions are vital to healthy mother-daughter relationships. How might you apply these ideas to your own maternal or familial relationships to pursue personal growth?

In a culture that demands perfection, Berner and DeSorbo emphasize the importance of being gracious and patient with oneself in order to live a happier life. The authors argue that relaxing and letting life take its course is the best way to approach conflict and change. When a person tries to force a relationship or a job, they’re more likely to find themselves in an unhealthy situation. This emphasis on acceptance echoes trends in both contemporary psychotherapy and self-help. Often drawing on ancient philosophical traditions like Buddhism or stoicism, works like Brianna Wiest’s The Mountain Is You and Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman’s The Daily Stoic locate the source of anxiety, sadness, anger, etc. not in external events but rather in how the individual responds to them. Berner and DeSorbo make a similar point through humor, comparing the desire for control to forcing oneself to use the bathroom before one is ready. If the individual can relax, they have a better chance of relieving themselves without pain. This analogy applies to all aspects of life. When one is in a job or relationship that has negative health side effects (such as acne or panic attacks), it’s better to quit the job or end the relationship.

The authors hold that enjoying life is about being in tune with oneself. If one learns to identify one’s emotions, one can react accordingly. Life is full of surprises, and by opening oneself to them, one can enjoy the proverbial journey more. The most important thing, the authors hold, is to laugh. Laughing is a way to take life and oneself less seriously, and it has positive mental and physical effects.

Chapter Lessons

• If a situation is causing stress, it’s okay to give up; quitting is a form of self-care and maturity.
• People should make decisions that let them enjoy life rather than decisions that force them to compromise their physical or mental health.
• The future will always be an unknown; instead of stressing about what’s to come, it’s best to relax and enjoy life’s surprises.

Reflection Questions

• Are there situations (relationships, jobs, or otherwise) that are causing you stress? How might you apply the authors’ lessons about letting go to these situations?
• Have there been times when you’ve “forced” something because you thought it was the only way to achieve a goal? How did relaxing help you to liberate yourself from these circumstances, and what was the outcome?