Love in the Time of Serial Killers

“I’d been quoting Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood. Trust my brother to answer with a reference to one of our favorite Simpsons episodes from when we were kids.”

Phoebe notes early in the novel that she and her brother aren’t close. This is partly due to the fact that after their parents divorced, Phoebe moved away with her mother, while Conner stayed with their father. However, their personalities have significant differences too. Phoebe characterizes herself as serious and cynical, while Conner is affable and happy-go-lucky. That she would reference literature and he would mention a comedic cartoon show, she thinks, exemplifies the differences between them.

“I don’t know what to say now any more than I did then: we weren’t that close.”

When Sam offers Phoebe condolences about the loss of her father, she’s momentarily unsure how to respond. She has felt this way each time someone she knows brings up her father’s death: Their relationship was fractured, and since she and her mother moved out, he wasn’t present in her life. The difficulty Phoebe encounters while trying to process her father’s death is a key aspect of her characterization, and complex family dynamics is one of this novel’s key thematic concerns.

“Are you one of those guys who think that women are incapable of using power tools or pushing a lawn mower?”

Phoebe has a short temper and often sees the worst in people. She’s quick to accuse others of having malign intentions and often misinterprets helpful behavior. Here, she accuses Sam of sexism because he took the time to mow her father’s lawn. She jumps to conclusions and, as she often does, needlessly starts a low-level conflict. Although she’s aware of the perils of this toxic trait, she struggles to control it.

“Conner thinks you’re fixating on the neighbor as a way to deal with the changes in your life.”

Phoebe still thinks of Conner as her baby brother and, though she likes Shani, dismisses her too. However, both Conner and Shani are kind, caring, and emotionally intelligent. They accurately diagnose Phoebe’s difficulty in processing her grief, and they both try to help her navigate the grieving process: Conner suggests therapy, and Shani gives Phoebe a book about losing parents.

“I felt a fluttery, anxious guilt in my stomach that I was being an asshole yet again.”

Phoebe’s thoughts reflect her struggles in social situations, which are partly because she’s always “in her head.” While her constant interior monologue helps her process and interpret what’s going on around her, it also gets in the way of meaningful social interaction. Despite being so reflective, she’s also emotional, often to a heightened degree. Her emotional reactions rise to the surface, causing her to blurt out observations and statements that often alienate the person with whom she’s speaking.

“Everyone would walk on eggshells around her dad when he was in a ‘mood.’ Everyone knew not to touch his stuff.”

Phoebe’s father was volatile and prone to fits of rage. The stress of growing up with such an unfit caregiver still impacts Phoebe in myriad ways. For example, she struggles to form emotional connections with people because she assumes that most people are, underneath the surface, as damaged (and damaging) as her father. His personality plays an outsized role in how Phoebe understands human personality. She can’t believe that anyone is truly good underneath it all, and she only begins to broaden her perspective as she processes her childhood through conversations with Allison and spends more time with Conner and Shani: All three are good people and help Phoebe understand that the world has many good humans.

“It was weird that in all of my interest in true crime, I’d never really done much reading about this killer who’d struck so close to home.”

The Sunrise Slayer becomes a key part of Phoebe’s narrative arc. Her interest in a “close-to-home” killer allows her to reflect on her own childhood in a way that her interest in other killings doesn’t. As she ruminates on a Florida killer and his daughter, she comes to terms with how her own father’s volatility impacted her both as a child and as an adult.

“Sam was back to the white button-up and khakis again, as if he were aggressively cosplaying normal dude.”

Although Conner and Shani are sure that Sam is a quiet and mild-mannered, Phoebe can’t quite shake the idea that he might secretly be a serial killer. Little evidence supports her theory, but she’s so steeped in her dissertation research that she’s easily unsettled, and her mind often wanders to the grisliest possibilities to explain relatively normal activities: When Sam brings a large quantity of ice into his house, for example, she’s sure that he needs to keep a body cold even though the ice is likely for the party he’s hosting. Moments like this help characterize Phoebe as someone so fixated on one particular obsession that they struggle to maintain a connection with reality.

“No one, and I was pretty sure I could say this accurately without telepathic powers, would ever describe me as sweet. Prickly was one I got a lot. Aloof. Maybe intimidating, which I wasn’t mad at.”

Phoebe struggles socially because she makes comments that others perceive as rude, and she can be “prickly.” However, one of the novel’s themes regarding Phoebe is Personal Growth and Identity Development. One of the primary changes that occurs during her character’s narrative arc is the realization that what she always told herself about her personality isn’t entirely accurate. While she can be difficult, she’s also thoughtful and conscientious. In this scene, she has just made Sam a pie to thank him for fixing her car. He’s touched by the act and tells her so. Baking for Sam as a way to thank him contradicts Phoebe’s self-categorization as “prickly,” “aloof,” and “intimidating.”

“We were starting to be friends. I felt like Sam was someone I could talk to. Even having him next door made me feel a little less alone.”

Sam is a kind and empathetic individual. The understanding that he displays, particularly toward Phoebe, becomes an important aspect of his characterization. Because he helps her reflect on her own behavioral patterns and on how her childhood shaped her as a person, he becomes a significant part of her growth process as she prepares her father’s house for sale and finishes her dissertation.

“I was able to get the audiobook for I’ll Be Gone in the Dark through the library app, so I was kind of working. If not working, then growing spiritually at least.”

Phoebe is arguably obsessed with serial killers and true crime. It’s one of the main facets of her characterization and speaks to her intelligence and analytical acumen while highlighting the novel’s thematic exploration of The Societal Fascination With True Crime. Although she struggles at times, she ultimately produces an insightful, thoughtfully argued dissertation. However, her obsession also speaks to her use of avoidance as a coping mechanism. She would much rather discuss high-profile serial killers than reflect on her own life, and not until the novel’s end does she find a healthy balance.

“Music was the most constant thing in my life, you know? Grades were good, grades were bad. I had friends, I didn’t have friends. It didn’t matter. I always had music.”

Sam doesn’t turn out to be the cold-blood killer that Phoebe thinks he is. Instead, he’s a kind, sensitive individual who loves his work as a music teacher. He wants to share his love for music with his students in hopes that they might find it as meaningful as he always has.

“You do that a lot, bring up serial killer shit when the topic turns more serious.”

Sam correctly points out that Phoebe uses her interest in serial killers to deflect attention away from herself during difficult conversations and also as a topic to escape into instead of confronting her own issues. Although she’s truly interested in serial killers and society’s fascination with them, she struggles to form close relationships with other people and is often looking for a way to distract herself from meaningful connection.

“I did it again. I left my phone back at the house. I can’t just blow him off, he’ll worry.”

Here, Phoebe panics because Conner can’t get ahold of her, and she knows that he’ll be concerned. Although she characterizes their relationship as “not close,” much evidence contradicts this characterization. Conner and Phoebe care about each other, texting and talking multiple times each day, and they share a history of memories and cultural references. Like many aspects of Phoebe’s life, her relationship with Conner looks different when she analyzes it than it does on the surface.

“I’m going to propose to Shani, and I want you to be there.”

As Sam correctly pointed out, Conner is someone who exudes kindness, love, and empathy. He’s proof that not all relationships are toxic, dysfunctional, or abusive and that one can rise above one’s upbringing. Furthermore, Conner’s love for Phoebe evidences his ability to maintain a healthy sibling relationship. Although she begins the novel certain that true love is unattainable and that most people aren’t worth getting to know, relationships like the one Phoebe enjoys with Conner help her expand her worldview.

“He doesn’t even know what he’s getting into with me. I hate it when people say that children of divorce are from broken families, but in my case it’s true.”

Just as Phoebe sees the worst in other people, she also sees the worst in herself. Part of her habit of maintaining emotional distance from people stems from the idea that she sees herself as damaged and difficult to love, foregrounding the theme of Complicated Familial Relationships. Sam clearly feels otherwise, but she’s too scared and too unwilling to engage in real self-reflection to look at herself in a more realistic light.

“Phoebe, I get it. I don’t expect you to drop everything to be with me. We can take it slow, okay?”

During this scene, Phoebe realizes that she wants to pursue some kind of relationship with Sam. Still, she’s busy working to finish her dissertation and must set boundaries around how she spends her time. Sam’s understanding response speaks to his innately respectful nature and helps characterize him within the framework of both his personality and his behavior when he’s in relationships.

“Dad didn’t care. I think he was relieved if I was out of the house or playing video games all day or whatever, as long as I didn’t bother him.”

Phoebe always assumed that Conner and her father had a closer relationship than she and her father did. Here, Conner complicates that characterization. The way that they process their childhood and their parents’ divorce during their time together is a crucial part of each character’s narrative arc. They ultimately understand themselves, their parents, and one another better and find a sense of peace that they didn’t feel while their father was alive.

“‘Either way,’ Allison said. ‘I’m glad you came back and we were able to reconnect. I missed you.’”

Allison is a kind, forgiving character. Her personality has remained much the same since childhood, because even as a young person she was mature and empathetic. She helps Phoebe think through some of the more difficult events of her childhood and becomes an example of the kind of caring person that Phoebe previously convinced herself doesn’t exist.

“I cried a disproportionate amount for a cat who’d only been lost for a few hours, an amount that suggested it probably wasn’t all about the cat.”

Although Phoebe temporarily moves into her dad’s old house to get it ready to sell and work on her dissertation, her trip home is ultimately about self-reflection and growth. She spent her entire life running from her feelings, and through her meaningful connection with her brother, Shani, Allison, and Sam she finally processes the ways that her childhood impacted her emotional well-being. Even caring for the cat, Lenore, becomes a way for Phoebe to get back in touch with her feelings.

“Of course I care about you, but I can’t be in love with you.”

Phoebe feels as though the bad example her parents set prevented her from developing the ability to form attachments, love romantically, and make long-term commitments. Her aloofness and tendency toward emotional distance echoes that of her father, and although Phoebe is upset by that comparison, she’s initially powerless to stop it.

“True crime is about what we know about humanity’s capacity for evil and what we should be afraid of. The answers to those questions can tell us a lot, especially when you look at the intersections of privilege and power, who are telling the stories, and who are subjects of them.”

The novel’s thematic engagement with The Societal Fascination with True Crime and serial killers provides depth and social context, as well as contrast, to a story otherwise devoted to love and romance. The arguments that Phoebe makes both as she prepares to write the dissertation and in the dissertation itself are timely, relevant, and thoughtful. She easily articulates how the genre has changed with each passing decade and convincingly contextualizes cultural products of the 1960s, 1970s, and beyond.

“One of my biggest fears was turning out like my dad.”

Although Phoebe fears becoming like her father, her unwillingness to experience love echoes his inability to express his feelings for any of his family members. Conner points this out to her, and it becomes another important moment of self-reflection, highlighting the theme of Complicated Familial Relationships. Phoebe then texts Allison to thank her and includes the words “I love you,” revealing her desire for emotional growth and her willingness to take steps to ensure that she becomes and remains emotionally present.