Memorial Days

On Flinders Island, Brooks receives a phone call from her friend Jim, who asks her to read his manuscript. She intended to disconnect from life at home during her trip, but the call got through somehow. Jim’s humor is a balm, prompting her to remember how Tony made her, and everyone around him, laugh. She misses his pranks and legendary April Fool’s jokes. After her call with Jim, Brooks sets to work on sorting through her grief, beginning with the initial emails she sent on the day of Tony’s death. In an email to her friend Sally, in response to Sally’s kind condolences, Brooks wrote, “We were so lucky” (41), a phrase that she notes she often uses as a coping mechanism to hide her denial. She thought she could skip over the stages of grief straight to acceptance, but that only led to more pain.

Back in 2019, Brooks gathered with Josh, his family, and Ellie, Tony’s mother, at Josh’s home. Tony’s suitcase, full of the new, unworn clothes that he’d purchased for the trip, was open. Josh’s wife was going to travel to collect Bizu from boarding school. Brooks had hoped that Nathaniel wouldn’t get the news until he landed in Sydney, but he learned about it via texts before reaching her sister’s home in Sydney. Nathaniel was traveling after graduating from college and hadn’t seen Tony in six months. Brooks’s sister offered to be with her, but Brooks wanted her to wait, saying, “I suspect this gets harder […] I’ll need you more then” (47). Josh and Brooks went through Tony’s personal effects and found a receipt for his last breakfast. They reflected on their final conversations with Tony, crying and comforting one another.

On Flinders Island, Brooks shops at the market, enjoying the familiarity of living on a small island where everyone knows each other. As the day ends, she recalls how much she and Tony enjoyed sunsets. They had planned to watch as many as possible in their aging years. The weather is unseasonably cold, and she must use a wood stove for warmth and cooking. She realizes that she is distracting herself with household chores like cooking to avoid doing the “work” she must do.

The day after Tony’s death, Brooks awakened thinking that she only dreamed that he died. Tony’s older sister, Erica, stressed that the family and friends needed a way to process their grief by mourning Tony publicly and pushed Brooks to plan a service. However, Brooks felt incapable of making big decisions. National newspapers called, asking for details about Tony’s life for his obituary, and Brooks’s memory faltered as she felt overwhelmed by the flurry of activity. She spoke with Tony’s cardiologist, who had just seen him two months prior for what was supposed to be a routine checkup for Tony’s high blood pressure and cholesterol, which he managed with medication. The doctor said that Tony mentioned several incidents of shortness of breath, and he’d ordered further testing, scheduled for June 21.

After Bizu arrived, Brooks took him to the spot where Tony collapsed, and they shared a moment of grief. Brooks notes she will not discuss the details of Bizu and Nathaniel’s grief in the memoir. Later, at the DC medical examiner’s office, Brooks identified Tony by photograph, overwhelmed with guilt for not traveling with him. She regretted not being able to see or touch his body before the autopsy. The medical examiner said that Tony’s death was linked to a partial blockage in his left anterior descending artery, known as the “widow-maker.” Still, since the blockage shouldn’t have been fatal, he ordered further testing to clarify the cause of death.

On Flinders Islands, Brooks speaks with Mick, the shack’s owner, about the island’s efforts to preserve the natural landscape against overdevelopment. She realizes that she hasn’t showered or changed her clothes in five days. This prompts a reflection on the mourning rituals of cultures across the globe. Tony was Jewish, and Brooks converted before their marriage, but they were not practicing Jews. She thinks about the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva after a death, where the bereaved isn’t asked to make significant decisions for many days, which sharply contrasts with her experience. Indigenous cultures extend the mourning beyond the biological family, considering the loss to the entire community. Islam, Buddhism, and Catholicism all have specific rituals surrounding death. Still, one common thread is that the practices seek “to provide an outlet for grief but also a framework to integrate loss and move on with living” (64). Brooks doesn’t believe in the afterlife but can’t deny feeling Tony’s presence. She deduces that she’s creating her unique grief ritual on the island and imagines Tony watching her.

A day after Tony’s death, Brooks and the family watched a documentary on PBS NewsHour featuring Tony’s interview about his newest book, Spying on the South. Tony’s career in journalism made him a natural in front of the camera, and Brooks briefly convinced herself that he was still alive. Hearing him talk about his research for the book, she reflected on how the process was grueling and draining. After he finished traveling for the research, he spent long days writing the book, depending on stimulants like nicotine gum to keep awake. In the evening, he drank wine to wind down, but Brooks noticed his growing tendency to drink more. She and Tony planned to focus on his health once the book tour was completed, weaning him off stimulants and alcohol.

Brooks reflects on a pivotal “sliding-door moment” in her life and career. As a young journalist in Tasmania, she reported on wildlife conservation but opted to take a scholarship to Columbia University instead of becoming a wilderness campaigner. This decision led her to meet Tony and work for The Wall Street Journal. Encouraged by Tony, she published her first novel, Year of Wonders, and began planning a second novel inspired by her Tasmanian travels. In 2000, they returned to Wybalenna for research on her next book about Lady Jane Franklin’s involvement in the 19th-century settlement, where Indigenous people suffered from poor conditions under British colonization. While Lady Jane advocated for Indigenous education and rights, her efforts remained within a colonial framework that overlooked Indigenous sovereignty. Brooks struggled with Lady Jane’s actions and chose not to write the book.

Two days after Tony’s death, the medical examiner released his body to the funeral home, and Josh and Brooks began making funeral arrangements. She was finally allowed to see Tony, though his body was wrapped in blankets to conceal the wounds from the autopsy. All she wanted to do was hold his hand.

On Flinders Island, Brooks recalls how her mother raised her not to show emotions, and she rarely cried as a child. Though she cried more freely as an adult, she has not cried for Tony in the years since his death. She notes that her mother would call what she’s doing now “wallowing” in her grief. 

Brooks tempers her overwhelming grief with meditation on the universal human experience of death. She reminds herself that all humans will both grieve death and die themselves one day. The news of a devastating earthquake in Turkey and Syria is a sobering reminder of this truth—each day, the death toll climbs higher, and Brooks is bombarded with images of people searching the rubble for their loved ones. She tries to take comfort in the fact that Tony died suddenly and without suffering. Still, he died too soon.

At the DC airport, Brooks bought all the national newspapers and read Tony’s obituaries from fellow journalists and historians. Though Tony would have found them over the top, she treasured them as public memorials for all her husband accomplished in his short life.

On the island, Brooks reflects on the emotional armor she’s carried around since Tony’s death, which weighs her down. She recalls that the last time she and Tony were together was at Parnassus Books in Nashville, Tennessee. After spending the night there, Brooks left, and Tony continued on his book tour alone. Her last words to him were, “I can’t believe it’s ten days before I’ll see you again” (103). She deeply regrets not going with him to DC but is thankful that her last words were kind and meaningful.