“The harder I tried to be more perfect—the more cleanses I did, books I bought, and budgets I made, the more things I bought to cover up and paint over the mess that was my life—the harder it became to keep it together. The attempts to fix me only added more chaos, the chaos added more pain, and so I added more wine. And pot. And cigarettes. And food. And clothes.”

Whitaker’s personal pain and feelings of inadequacy fueled her dependent relationship with alcohol. This passage creates a clear link between the root of her problem and the symptom: her alcohol addiction. By reflecting on her attempts to self-soothe with escapist behaviors such as drinking, the author sets up her discussion about tools for healing, one of which is addressing the root cause of addictive behaviors.

“Drinking has become so ingrained in the female code, we don’t even recognize the endless ways it’s pierced our every experience, or even stop to think about the cost of that infiltration. Wine and spirits and even beer are a celebrated, quintessential accessory to having made it as a woman.”

Whitaker adds to her theme of Women’s Empowerment Through Sobriety by critiquing the societal norms around women and alcohol consumption. By painting alcohol as an “infiltration” into women’s lives, Whitaker suggests that this substance is causing harm to women and does not deserve its place as a status symbol.

“There isn’t a single body system that isn’t affected by alcohol: it’s a toxin, and our bodies regard it as such. No matter how much or little we drink, our bodies suffer the consequences of exposure to alcohol (ethanol) and have to work overtime to counter its effects.”

Whitaker’s discussion about the health consequences of alcohol consumption helps the reader understand her strong opinions on how it is marketed and normalized as part of everyday life. This passage contributes to her theme of the effects of societal perception of alcohol and addiction, as it challenges the notion that moderate alcohol consumption is not harmful to people’s health.

“How are we not clued into alcohol being a women’s issue, a feminist issue? […] The answer is because we were taught to tangle drinking with liberation, and because we were taught not to question.”

Whitaker ponders why alcohol companies are not generally regarded as oppressive when their products make women more vulnerable to abuse, sexual assault, and health issues. By questioning alcohol consumption’s association with women’s empowerment, the author invites the reader to reflect on their own beliefs around drinking and gender equality.

“I believe that alcohol will someday experience its own ‘cigarette moment’—a reversal in public opinion and a rejection of it by mainstream culture, seen as something we used to do—once we remove our willful ignorance of its harmful effects on us personally and collectively. I imagine our grandchildren will one day be shocked by the idea that there was once a point in time when we drank ethanol at almost every occasion and boasted of hangovers and drunken antics, the same way I’m always shocked to see pictures of my aunts and uncles smoking indoors at family parties in the seventies.”

Whitaker adds to her theme of the effects of societal perception of alcohol and addiction as she imagines a different future in which alcohol has a similar stigma to smoking cigarettes. This thought experiment shows how societal norms can change over time and invites the reader to consider society’s present relationship with alcohol as a kind of dysfunctional dark age.

“It’s not hard to draw parallels between the tobacco industry and the alcohol industry when it comes to this type of marketing scheme. Big Alcohol used the same liberated imagery and co-opted the same feminist ideals, and women like me lapped it up.”

Whitaker laments the success of alcohol companies’ marketing strategies, in which they explicitly associate liberation and empowerment with drinking alcohol. Reflecting on her own experience adds depth to this critique, as her relationship with alcohol did not empower her, but instead eroded her physical and mental health for years. This discussion adds to the author’s analysis of women’s empowerment through sobriety.

“Carr’s parting orders are: Make a decision to never drink again, and never question that decision. I write the words NEVER QUESTION THE DECISION in big bold letters in my work notebook, and I am done. Just like that, I am done with alcohol, and I’m not sad, or ashamed, or deprived, or any of the things people are supposed to feel when they stop drinking. I am proud. Happy. Giddy, even. I never have to drink again, and life is—quite suddenly—filled with possibility.”

Whitaker recalls her relief and joy at her initial decision to quit alcohol. By revealing that her experience was different from the stereotypical addict’s experience, the author adds to her theme of the effects of societal perception of alcohol and addiction. This uplifting passage makes the author’s relapse more impactful to the reader, as it sharply contrasts the author’s sober happiness with her self-destructive behaviors while under the influence.

“What I am saying is, alcohol is addictive to everyone. Yet we’ve created a separate disease called alcoholism and forced it upon the minority of the population who are willing to admit they can’t control their drinking, and because of that, we’ve focused on what’s wrong with those few humans rather than on what’s wrong with our alcohol-centric culture or the substance itself.”

Whitaker critiques society’s practice of dividing drinkers into “alcoholics” and “non-alcoholics.” By critiquing this binary, the author encourages the reader to consider how this label might actually dissuade people from pursuing recovery. The author argues that only by shifting the focus from “alcoholics” to social norms will real progress be made on reducing the harm from alcohol.

“The truth is, we can change. From what we now know of neuroplasticity, we can rewire our brain with meditation and chanting and yoga and food and CBT and DBT and a whole host of other evidence-based modalities, practices, and treatments. Epigenetics tells us we can even change our gene expression and the predeterminants of addiction.”

Whitaker refers to research that demonstrates people’s ability to change their thought patterns and daily habits. In her opinion, these findings refute the notion of alcoholism being a “disease” which people suffer from, instead supporting the idea that alcohol addiction is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. By critiquing the common perception that people with alcohol addictions are wired differently than others, Whitaker adds to her theme of the effects of societal perception of alcohol and addiction.

“I spent a year chasing down the question Why am I an alcoholic? before I started chasing down the questions that matter, like Why can’t I be with myself at all?”

Whitaker recalls how her obsession with finding the roots of her alcohol dependence distracted her from understanding her general discomfort and insecurity. This reflection adds a personal touch to her argument that the label of “alcoholic” is a simplistic and stigma-laden term that is unhelpful to people confronting their addictions because it doesn’t address the roots of the issue.

“Addiction is almost universally looked at as the root issue that needs to be eradicated. We isolate it as if it existed in a vacuum, and we celebrate abstinence as a marker of success. But isolating addiction as the problem doesn’t actually consider how it takes hold of us or why it persists; addiction doesn’t just bubble up out of nothing.”

Whitaker urges the reader to consider addiction as a symptom of a deeper problem, rather than the whole problem itself. By calling addiction a symptom, the author sets up her discussion about identifying the root causes of one’s dependencies, a major aspect of her sobriety curriculum.

“If you’re anything like me, you don’t need to be told what ‘right-sized’ is because you’ve been trying your whole life to be impossibly small […] You don’t need to be told not to trust yourself, because you’ve always been told not to trust yourself. You don’t need to be told how to apologize, because you’ve already been apologizing for everything you are and everything you do to everyone forever.”

In this passage, Whitaker critiques Alcoholics Anonymous’ focus on humility, apologizing, and diminishing one’s ego. By assessing how this message could be counterproductive to people such as herself, the author adds to her theme on women’s empowerment through sobriety. She specifically notes that many of the tenets of AA ask women to do the same things that society has been demanding of them their entire lives.

“I didn’t tell her she was bad for putting herself first. I didn’t tell her she was selfish or warn her that ‘self-will had run riot.’ I didn’t tell her not to trust herself, or that she was wrong or deluded. I didn’t tell her those things, because if I had I would have just been doing what I’d been doing to her for the last thirty years.”

Whitaker adds to her theme on women’s empowerment through sobriety by explaining her approach to learning sobriety. By eschewing AA’s focus on humility and instead engaging in self-love and self-care, the author felt that she was able to better care for herself while also addressing the root issues behind her addiction. By framing self-compassion as an empowering method of learning sobriety, the author adds to her argument that AA’s steps are counter-productive and oppressive to women.

“You are skilled at putting everyone else’s needs first because our society subtly and unsubtly tells you to. As a result, you are probably not only unskilled at putting yourself first, you are probably sick of putting yourself last. No more. Recovery is where you are the first charge in your life. You are the baby.”

The author argues that women are socialized to focus on nurturing others, often at the expense of their own well-being. This passage adds to Whitaker’s theme of women’s empowerment through sobriety, as she suggests that women can empower themselves by putting time and energy into their well-being and “mothering” themselves instead of using more conventional methods of recovery.

“Willingness is the thing that bridges the gap between where we are and where we want to go. It is the way through; it is what we use when we want to say, ‘I can’t,’ or ‘It’s impossible,’ or ‘I’m not ready.’”

Whitaker believes that feeling willing to change is an essential part of the sobriety process. By focusing on their own willingness, people can begin to believe that their aspirations of sobriety are possible and actionable. This passage adds to the author’s explanations on how to prepare for embracing sobriety.

“There are two ways to overcome the urge to drink. The first is to make intentional and specific changes to your routine to avoid succumbing to a craving (or be better equipped when you do encounter one), and the second is to actively engage with the craving when it does arise.”

Whitaker’s specific advice is intended for people who feel dependent on alcohol and need clear steps to follow to learn sobriety. By relying on the research behind habit formation and habit breaking in her work, the author grounds her advice in science, adding reliability to her claims.

“Meditation is the lifeblood of recovery. If addiction is a total lack of awareness (and it is), meditation is the opposite: it is the cultivation of total awareness. It allows us to develop the space to witness our lives, instead of being caught up in the drama of it all.”

Whitaker argues that meditation is an ideal antidote to addiction, as the heightened awareness that meditation brings heals the automatic thought patterns and behaviors that are typical of addiction. This passage reveals more about the practices that Whitaker relied on to become sober and suggests that addiction is more of an unthinking state of mind than an ego problem. By sharing her perception of addiction, the author adds to her theme of the effects of societal perception of alcohol and addiction by contrasting her ideas with popular programs like AA.

“There are so many rules to getting sober and being sober. Rules and coded language developed from the patriarchal framework that shapes and polices our society, bent on keeping us out of power and subject to a system of control.”

Whitaker decries the “rules” of sobriety, which she feels are often cultural myths rather than evidence-based practices. By blaming the “patriarchal framework” of recovery programs, the author adds to her theme of women’s empowerment through sobriety. Her assertion that these rules remove control of our own lives highlights her own belief in self-empowerment as an essential component of recovery.

“The ‘work’ of sobriety is achieved through all the things we’ve talked about—through meditating or changing your beliefs or making it through your first wedding sober. But the most vital work—the core of this path—is the work you do with other people. Reclaiming your whole self doesn’t only happen on your meditation pillow, in a hot yoga class, or during Super Soul Sunday. It happens in the real world, among real people, in every single encounter you have.”

The author argues that a key tenet of sobriety is renegotiating one’s relationships. By developing some friendships and family relationships and choosing to eliminate others, Whitaker believes that people can strengthen their commitment to their sobriety. She also highlights the difference between sobriety in a controlled environment, like a “hot yoga class,” with the experience of sobriety in everyday life.

“When we get sober, we tend to lose or outgrow some of the relationships that sustained us, but we also brush up against the very harsh reality that because addiction is stigmatized and most of us recover in silence, there are huge barriers to finding a new community.”

Whitaker notes that healthy friendships are an important part of people’s support systems, yet, ironically, when people become sober, they are the most vulnerable to losing these connections. By acknowledging the stigma of addiction, the author adds to her theme of the effects of societal perception of alcohol and addiction, suggesting that people’s negative associations with “alcoholics” create social barriers for people who are embracing sobriety.

“For those of us who feel we satisfied our rebellious streak through brown liquids and late drunk nights, we need to reconnect with our idea of rebelliousness. We all fear losing that part of us that makes us feel alive or strong or maybe more like men.”

Whitaker acknowledges that she, like many people, enjoyed ‘rebelling’ by drinking. Without alcohol, she has to channel this aspect of her personality into something more constructive. By tying women’s drinking to their desire to feel powerful or alive, the author adds to her theme of women’s empowerment through sobriety, suggesting that women should see sobriety as a better form of rebellion than heavy drinking.

“If sobriety is anything to me, it’s a badge of survival, a symbol of what I used to do, what I no longer do, and telling people I don’t drink is one of my favorite pastimes. I went through so much in such a short time; wanting to date, hiding my sobriety, shoving it in their faces. Struggling with my worth, considering myself a liability, discovering that my perceived weaknesses were actually sources of power.”

As the author became accustomed to her new sober life, she became more comfortable and open about sharing her past and her continued commitment to sobriety. Her newfound confidence in her lifestyle changed her approach to dating, as she no longer hid or apologized for her sobriety but instead felt proud of it. This passage inspires the reader to also wear their sobriety as a badge of honor in their romantic relationships.

“It’s not just the way women have been sold whiskey as our power suit, or how the citizens of Low- to Middle-Income countries are targeted by Big Alcohol and ritually sacrificed for profit. It’s so much more. It’s the relationship between the alcohol industry and the government.”

The author argues that social norms around alcohol allow corporations and governments to profit from its sale, even though it has proven to be a harmful substance. This passage invites the reader to consider the big picture of our culture’s legal and ethical relationship with alcohol, and how corporations profit from it while their consumers pay the health consequences associated with drinking.