In order to understand others’ behavior, one first needs to assess what is motivating them to act this way. Motivations might be based on their social, financial, psychological, and/or biological situation. King explains psychologist Carl Jung’s theory of the “shadow” self, the aspect of the human subconscious that is hidden even from the thinker themselves but nevertheless influences their thoughts, speech, and actions. King likens the shadow to a “dark side,” as it can include people’s negative traits and impulses. It can take energy and restraint to repress one’s shadow self. For instance, an excellent student with strict parents might behave perfectly until adulthood, when they cannot repress their shadow anymore and go off the rails. While a person cannot fully know or heal anyone else’s shadow, they can show understanding and empathy to others who behave badly. It is also worth reflecting on how others’ shadow selves might impact one’s own behaviors.

Another aspect of human motivation is the inner child, which psychotherapist Margaret Paul defines as people’s innate personality or gut instinct. By recognizing that some people are more influenced by their inner child than others, people can gain insight into their behavior. King uses the example of a rebellious, lazy colleague who is aligned with their inner (misbehaving) child. By not scolding or bribing them, one can resist enabling the behavior and force them to engage as an adult in the workplace.

King cites Freud’s “pleasure principle,” which teaches that people tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain, working even harder to avoid discomfort than to chase pleasure. While discipline and self-control can lead to exceptions, this rule is generally helpful for understanding why people act the way they do. Another general rule is that emotion tends to trump logic and that survival instincts overtake all other motivations.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” teaches that people tend to prioritize their needs in a certain order: physiological fulfillment, then physical safety, love and belonging, and lastly self-esteem and self-actualization. King feels that this general order will help readers understand others’ most urgent motivations. For instance, someone who is escaping an abusive partner will mostly be motivated to gain shelter, safety, and food and will not be very interested in other goals. 

Lastly, people are strongly motivated to protect their own pride and ego. King laments that this instinct can lead to complete “reality bending.” He refers to Freud’s work on defense mechanisms to explain how people behave when they feel their ego is threatened. These mechanisms include denial, rationalization, repression, displacement, projection, regression, and sublimation.

King’s inclusion of theories by famous psychologists like Freud, Jung, and Maslow adds substance to his claims about human psychology and the role of the unconscious in people’s psyches and motivations, though it is worth noting that Freudian theory in particular is no longer commonly drawn on in clinical practice. Within these various psychological frameworks, King largely uses theoretical examples—for instance, a woman fleeing an abusive partner—to illustrate his claims rather than real-life anecdotes or studies. This reflects the work’s practical orientation, as King is mostly concerned with showing his audience how to apply his ideas, but may make it less persuasive to some readers.

Chapter Lessons

• Motivation can be conscious or subconscious.
• Most people are strongly motivated to avoid pain and pursue pleasure.
• Consider the person’s greater context and immediate needs to understand their motivation.

Reflection Questions

• King argues that a person’s shadow self or inner child can subconsciously influence their behavior. According to King, how should people react when confronted with negative behavior stemming from the subconscious? Why?
• King endorses Freud’s “pleasure principle,” arguing that most people pursue pleasure and avoid pain. Think of three people in your life and consider their current motivations. What are they trying to avoid? What do they want?
• Where would you position yourself on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? Now apply the same framework to someone you are trying to understand better. How might their current needs be different from yours? How can you use this understanding to improve your communication with them?