Redeeming 6

“‘It’s fairly obvious that the road I’ve been traveling down isn’t exactly aligning with the one Aoife’s on, lad.’

‘And that matters to you?’

‘She matters to me.’”

This exchange is between Joey and Podge when Joey tells his friend about why he broke up with Aoife. Joey takes this stance throughout much of the novel, showing that he doesn’t think he is good for Aoife. This assumption features in both his Addiction and the Road to Recovery, highlighting the connection to his trauma and lack of self-esteem.

“‘All I’m trying to do is protect you.’

‘No —’ Swinging around, she stalked back to me, looking mad as hell. ‘No […] This is not protecting me, Joey. Walking away is not protecting me. Leaving me is not protecting me, dammit!’ Furious, she blinked back her tears and glared up at me. ‘That is not how you treat the person you love, which goes to show that you never loved me the way I loved you.’”

This exchange between Joey and Aoife at the Tommen party shows how Aoife and Joey differ in the ways they think about the relationship. Joey doesn’t understand that Aoife wants to be with him regardless of his problems. His emphasis on protection as fundamental to love emphasizes Joey’s role in his family as caretaker of his younger siblings.

“Taking my hand in hers, she led me onto the dance floor and like the habit of a lifetime, I followed after her, knowing that this girl was by far my greatest addiction.”

Joey thinks this as he and Aoife reconcile at the Tommen party. His comparison of Aoife to an addiction highlights the way that they cannot control their love for one another. Though it is Joey who explicitly compares Aoife to an addiction, throughout the novel, Aoife shows how she too is addicted to Joey and unable to give up their relationship even when she knows it would be for the better.

“‘I’ll love you the right way this time,’ he whispered, and his breath fanned my cheek. ‘If you show me how.’”

Joey tells this to Aoife as they reconcile. Here, he highlights his openness to change in his commitment to finding “the right way.” With his second statement, he emphasizes a major shift in his thinking with his deference to her wishes, a contrast with his earlier actions, in which he broke up with her to protect her without asking what she wanted.

“Joey had somehow managed to survive his childhood and early teens by replacing the lack of his mother’s affection with the warm, enveloping embrace of ecstasy, and his father’s constant stream of mental gaslighting and physical abuse with the mind-numbing dexterity of opioids. It wasn’t right, the complete opposite, but I could understand it. I could understand him.”

Aoife considers Joey’s home life and why he ultimately turned to drugs. Though Aoife grew up in a loving family, she has seen enough of Joey’s life to have empathy for him. This is shown by the specificity of her connections between his parents’ particular forms of abuse and the particular drugs with which he replaces what is missing from them. Aoife’s comments also reflect her thoughtful empathetic nature, developing her character.

“‘Don’t be proud of me, Molloy,’ he bit out. ‘Don’t be. Because I’m not better. I’m not cured.’ He blew out an agitated breath. ‘I’m just…’

‘Trying?’

‘Yeah.’ Shoulders slumping, he nodded slowly. ‘Trying.’

‘That’s enough for me,’ I told him, voice thick with emotion. ‘You’re enough for me.’”

This exchange between Joey and Aoife comes as he struggles to remain sober, though Joey frequently suggests Aoife shouldn’t be proud of him throughout the novel. Aoife tells Joey that she primarily cares that he is trying. The differences in their reactions in this quote not only show Joey’s self-deprecation but also show a vital misunderstanding between the two of how they view and experience addiction.

“‘She’s worse than him,’ he snapped, running a hand through his hair. ‘Leaving those kids here on their own. She could pick up the phone and talk to the boys, but no, like always, she runs and buries her head in the sand.’ Yes, she was worse than him, but Joey didn’t really feel that way. He was anxious and frightened, and feeling cornered. He was reacting to his trauma by using his words as bullets. Same as always. But those bullets were made of buckshot that splintered and ricocheted through him, too.”

Joey tells this to Aoife when he learns that his mother abandoned his younger siblings. Aoife again shows her perspicacity, recognizing the full extent of his mother’s abuse before Joey does. Her understanding that he is only lashing out because that is what he knows, and the fact that he will regret saying this later, continues to show how well Aoife understands Joey.

“‘I’m not disappointed in you, sweetheart, I’m disappointed for you,’ she replied gently. ‘You’re eighteen years old, with a big, bright future laid out in front of you, and now it’s…going to be changing course. You’re going to have to grow up way too fast, and I hate that for you, but your father and I will be there every step of the way.’”

Trish tells this to Aoife when she learns her daughter is pregnant. This reaction surprises Aoife, as Trish draws a distinction between “disappointed in” and “disappointed for,” showing the logic behind Trish’s disappointment. This quote also reveals how Trish views parenting and how her form of motherhood differs significantly from other mother figures in the novel, like Marie.

“Maybe I had taken too many blows to the head at the hands of our father, or maybe it was Molloy getting inside my head, but keeping my mouth shut was starting to look, in my mind, less like protecting my siblings, and more like enabling my parents. Still, the memory of Darren’s abuse continued to imprison me, keeping the fear alive just enough to keep my tongue at bay.”

Joey debates whether to go to the police station and tell the authorities about his father’s abuse. Though he is catalyzed to do this by Teddy’s assault on Aoife, he has often considered doing this before to protect his siblings. Joey’s thoughts reflect The Impact of Childhood Trauma, as his parents’ abuse involves manipulations that leave him uncertain as to whether he is helping or hurting the situation.

“Your father already broke her, and you gave him the access, the demon hissed, do you want to sit with the visual of him spreading her legs open like a brood fucking mare, or do you want to forget everything bad you’ve ever seen, felt, and experienced? Because your conscience won’t do that for you. You know what will work, though. You can make it all go away. You don’t have to suffer like this.”

This excerpt adopts the voice of what Joey refers to as “the demon” inside his head, a voice that tells him to act on impulse and use drugs to block out his thoughts. Joey discusses this demon frequently, yet this is one of only a few instances where the demon’s voice is spelled out on the page in italics. The distinction Joey makes between the demon and himself is important, as, to him, it distances the real Joey from the version of himself that struggles with addiction.

“Because I was there tonight for you. Looking after your brothers for you. And because every horrible situation that I’ve found myself in this past year and a half has been for you. I keep getting hurt because I love you!”

Aoife yells this at Joey after Teddy assaults her, and in her anger, she seems to confirm Joey’s worst fears. Though later she admits it was mainly her anger talking, Joey has been waiting for Aoife to say something like this for a while to confirm his belief that she is too good for him. This highlights Joey’s fears about the relationship as well as Aoife’s.

“‘Loving your son is effortless,’ I cut her off by saying, pushing my damp hair out of my eyes. ‘It’s getting him to love himself that’s the hard part.’”

Aoife tells this to Marie when she tries to apologize for Teddy’s assault. Several people tell Aoife something similar about Joey being hard to love throughout the novel, as they ask her not to give up on him, and Aoife’s response is always the same as the sentiment here. Aoife’s point about Joey needing to love himself shows how interconnected they are in the relationship and how Joey’s pain causes Aoife’s pain.

“‘You hurt yourself and that’s the same thing,’ I choked out. ‘Because when you hurt, I hurt. When you burn, I go down in flames with you. We’re entwined, Joe. We’re mirrors. Don’t you get that by now?’”

This statement by Aoife shows how closely she believes them to be connected. She elevates their connection to an almost supernatural level, at which they literally experience each other’s pain. However, her point is that their lives are intertwined, and everything that affects one of them affects the other. Throughout the novel, Aoife consistently reminds Joey that this connection won’t be severed just because he decides to end it.

“‘Congratulations, sister,’ he continued to sneer. ‘You just let that asshole turn you into another teenage pregnancy statistic. Well done. You can kiss your future goodbye now that you’ve joined the long list of hopeless girls from our school that were thick enough to open their legs to fellas like that.’”

Kevin’s reaction to Aoife’s pregnancy is scorn, which is deepened by the fact that Joey is the baby’s father. However, this anger is more the result of jealousy of Joey, who has a good relationship with Tony, Kevin and Aoife’s father. This is one of Kevin’s first appearances in the novel, and his perspective as a relative outsider here also shows Aoife how others will react to news of the pregnancy.

“‘Good looks aside, you’re a fucking trainwreck to deal with,’ he argued. ‘And I should know. I’ve spent the last fourteen years watching you derail, but I’ve stuck around for the same reason she has. Because she sees the same thing I do; a good fucking person underneath all of the bullshit. But you’re blurring those lines, Joe. You crossed a line today and you need to make it right,’ he said, holding a finger up. ‘I love you like a brother, I always have, but one of these days you’re going to slip so far off the tracks that none of us will be able to reach you.’”

Podge tells this to Joey after he and Aoife escort him home from school when he is too high to remember she told him she is pregnant. Podge’s sentiments here echo what Aoife has been telling Joey throughout the novel, which comes as a surprise to Joey, as he is not used to feeling unconditional love from others. Podge’s comment illustrates The Power of Unconditional Love, which has sustained their relationship through the years, but it also shows that love might actually have limits.

“‘I’m sorry, okay. I was trying to protect you,’ she shouted back hoarsely. ‘That’s all I was trying to do.’

‘That wasn’t your call to make,’ I shot back, trembling. ‘I had a right to know what was going on.’

‘Yeah, well, I thought that I was doing the right thing,’ she bit out stubbornly. ‘Besides, it’s my body this is happening to.’”

This exchange between Aoife and Joey occurs just after Joey learns she is pregnant. Ironically, Aoife’s assertion that she was trying to protect Joey echoes what Joey said about their breakup early in the novel. This desire to protect each other recurs throughout the novel, but their true growth happens when they finally change their approach and ask for each other’s support.

“‘I get it.’ He nodded slowly. ‘Why you didn’t tell me. What you were trying to do. I don’t like it, but I get it.’ He exhaled a shaky breath. ‘I’m just so fucking sorry for being the kind of person that you felt you needed to protect, when it should have been the other way around.’”

Joey tells this to Aoife a little after he finds out she is pregnant, having overcome the initial shock of the revelation. The fact that Aoife felt she needed to protect Joey from this information shows how precarious his mental state was, especially when Aoife thought he had not yet relapsed. However, Joey’s measured reaction and understanding show maturity, as he accepts accountability for his part in her decision.

“I would never back down to this man. Because he didn’t beat me that night and he never would. This was a battle of wills and he would never win. Never. Call it pluckiness, or just plain pig-headedness, but I refused to give that man a second more of air-time in my thoughts. Teddy Lynch was irrelevant to me, and by standing there facing him, I was letting him know that.”

Aoife thinks this when she comes face to face with Teddy for the first time since he assaulted her. This highlights the strength and stubbornness of Aoife’s character, traits that define her and that draw Joey to her. This quote also shows how Aoife understands Teddy and his petty reasons for abusing others, rightfully pinning it on his failings rather than anyone else’s.

“He’s the best damn thing that came out of your marriage and you’re too stupid to see it. He’s not your bodyguard. He’s not your bank account. He’s not your babysitter. He’s not your fucking husband. He’s your child. He’s your son!”

Aoife tells this to Marie while Joey is in the hospital after she waited hours by his side, and Marie doesn’t do so much as call to check on him. Thus far in the novel, Aoife has hidden her distaste for Marie, but Aoife can no longer do so after learning about the severity of Joey’s abuse. This quote highlights just how much Joey’s youth and childhood have been taken from him because of the abuse he suffered.

“‘You fucked my head up worse than he ever did. He used his fists, but you? You got in my head,’ I admitted, on a roll now, as pain and poison spilled from my lips. ‘You broke my mind.’ I slammed the heel of my hand against my temple, desperately trying to emphasis to this woman just how badly she had damaged me. ‘I don’t work right anymore and it’s because your voice is stuck in my head! The sound of you crying and begging me to help you is all I can hear!’”

Here Joey finally recognizes the extent of Marie’s abuse and tells her how she has impacted him. Joey comes to terms with the harm Marie has caused him slowly throughout the novel, as her manipulations are more subtle and insidious than Teddy’s beatings. Even after Marie’s death, Joey still believes it is his job to protect and help her, leading to much of his trauma in the immediate aftermath of the fire.

“‘I should have been here,’ I heard myself say—to who, I wasn’t sure. But I said it. ‘It’s my job to keep them safe.’

‘They are safe.’ […]

‘It was my job to keep her safe.’”

Joey says this to himself as he tries to come to terms with seeing both of his parents wheeled out of their house in body bags. Even when he knows all his siblings are safe, he can’t help but return to his old feeling that it was his job to protect his mother, highlighting the impact of trauma on youth. This quote also shows Joey’s disoriented mental state right after the fire, which later leads him to sign himself into rehab and try to keep Aoife away from him.

“It’s not fair. I’ve been here the whole time. I didn’t run away. I didn’t check out on Joey. Six years, Mam. For six years, I’ve stayed, and I’ve helped him. I’ve pulled him out of drug dens. I’ve taken needles out of his arm. I’ve begged and borrowed to pay his dealers and keep him safe, and now, because I’m pregnant Darren’s making it out like I’ve caused Joey’s entire downfall.”

Aoife says this to Trish, who is trying to convince her to stay away from Joey. This is the first time Aoife reveals the severity of Joey’s addiction to her parents, highlighting how isolated she has been from her family. This also portrays Darren in the same light that Joey has put him in the whole novel, depicting him as an outsider who has no knowledge and thus no care for his family.

“I didn’t have the strength to be strong or put on a brave face in this moment. I didn’t have anything left in the tank. I had spent so long being the brave one. The strong one. Now, all I wanted to do was fold into him. Because I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed someone to lean on. ‘I can’t do this on my own,’ I admitted, fisting his hoodie as he carefully cradled me in his arms. ‘I’m so tired, Joe.’”

Aoife tells this to Joey as she is struggling to take care of AJ while he returns to school. Throughout the novel, Aoife remains strong and insists she can do anything on her own, even though she wants Joey to be there. However, this is the first instance of Aoife needing Joey at the moment, showing how desperate she is for them to be together and for him to stay in recovery.