67 pages • 2-hour read
Say You'll Remember Me
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Themes
The Interplay of Memory, Identity, and Connection
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of cursing, child abuse, illness, and death.
In Say You’ll Remember Me, the threads of memory weave through the characters’ sense of self and their relationships with others. Lisa’s dementia, Xavier’s traumatic past, and Samantha’s role as memory keeper illustrate how remembering and forgetting shape identity and human connection.
Lisa’s deteriorating memory fundamentally alters her identity and relationships. When Samantha returns home after living in Minnesota, her mother fails to recognize her, asking, “Who are you?” (73). This painful moment shows how memory loss erases not just facts but essential connections. As her condition worsens, Lisa repeatedly inquires about her deceased mother, unable to retain the information of her death. The accomplished CEO and fashionable mother Samantha remembers gradually transforms into someone requiring assistance with basic functions. This metamorphosis reveals how our memories constitute our fundamental sense of self.
Xavier’s relationship with his painful past offers a contrasting perspective. While Lisa involuntarily loses her memories, Xavier wishes he could forget his abusive childhood but finds these experiences an inescapable part of his identity. When sharing his history with Samantha, he explains that his parents’ abuse shaped his emotional control: “I think that’s why my emotions don’t get away from me […] Because when I showed how I felt, that’s how they knew how to hurt me” (63). His ability to share painful memories with Samantha marks significant growth in their relationship, suggesting that sharing difficult memories can strengthen connection rather than damage it.
The novel emphasizes being a “witness” to another person’s life through shared memories. Samantha articulates this when she tells Xavier that “there is nothing more beautiful than being a witness to someone’s life. To know them inside and out and be with them through everything, share the same memories” (135). This captures what Lisa loses through dementia and what Samantha and Xavier hope to build together. The tragedy extends beyond forgetting facts to losing the shared history that connects one to loved ones. Samantha mourns not only her mother’s inability to remember her but also her own inability to create new shared memories with her mother.
Physical objects serve as memory repositories throughout the story. The family’s search for meaningful jewelry and Xavier’s gift of a seashell necklace to Samantha become crucial anchors when memories cannot be trusted or preserved. When Xavier discovers the missing family jewelry in the car, it represents recovering pieces of their shared past that seemed permanently lost.
Similarly, the song “Come On Eileen” functions as a memory marker for Samantha and Xavier. Initially a coincidental song during their escape room experience, it evolves into a private reference point connecting them across distance. The song exemplifies how shared experiences create a private language between people who love each other, persisting even when physically separated.
The novel’s treatment of memory culminates in the powerful realization that some memories transcend cognitive recognition. In the Epilogue, even though Lisa doesn’t consciously remember her family, she smiles during the car ride, responding emotionally to a meaningful past experience. This suggests that emotional memory persists even when factual memory fails. As Samantha reflects, perhaps love is “the last thing we forget. Or we never forget it at all. Not really. We lose the words to say it. We lose the ability to show it. But we never lose the ability to feel it or recognize it when we see it” (347).
Through these explorations, Jimenez suggests our identities exist not just in our own memories but in the memories others hold of us and the connections these shared experiences create. While memory loss represents a profound tragedy, the novel offers consolation that the emotional essence of connection might persist even when specific memories fade.
Navigating the Burdens and Sacrifices of Caregiving
Through parallel narratives, caregiving emerges as both a profound act of love and an overwhelming burden: Samantha’s family caring for Lisa and Xavier’s dedication to animal welfare reveal caregiving’s complex physical, emotional, and relational dimensions.
The harsh daily realities of caregiving appear without sentimentality. Lisa’s dementia requires increasingly intensive family assistance, and Samantha describes her duties matter-of-factly: “I washed her, dressed her, changed her diapers when she had an accident. I fed her with a spoon and wiped her mouth” (308). Beyond physical assistance, caregivers must manage emotional crises, as when Lisa destroys the kitchen after becoming agitated about Dan’s absence. These incidents illustrate how caregiving demands not just physical help but constant emotional regulation and crisis management, highlighting the complex demands of the role.
The psychological weight of caregiving receives particular attention in the narrative. Dan articulates this burden when he describes his life as a “permanent, intolerable unhappiness” caring for “someone who barely knows [his] name” (298). This brutal honesty acknowledges the toll of providing care, especially when the recipient no longer recognizes the caregiver. Samantha experiences similar strain when taking over Lisa’s daily care, noting she “couldn’t even pee with the door closed when it was just the two of [them]” (310). The constant vigilance erodes her spirit, leading to depression and isolation. Through its straightforward and authentic portrayal of Lisa’s dementia, the novel validates the complex emotions caregivers often feel but hesitate to express: exhaustion, resentment, and grief.
Family relationships strain under caregiving pressures as differing perspectives create conflict. After Grandma’s death, tensions arise between Dan, Tristan, and Jeneva regarding Lisa’s care. Their disagreements reveal conflicting priorities: honoring their promise to keep Lisa at home versus acknowledging practical limitations. Tristan’s anger at Dan’s suggestion of a memory care facility stems from idealistic commitment, while Dan’s proposal reflects realistic assessment of their capacity. Without effective communication about these viewpoints, the family nearly fractures until Samantha intervenes.
Xavier’s commitment to animal rescue offers a complementary perspective on caregiving. His willingness to break a car window to save an overheating dog parallels the sacrifices made for Lisa, showing how caregiving often prioritizes others’ needs above one’s own. However, Xavier’s eventual collapse from overwork demonstrates caregiving’s unsustainability without proper support. This parallel narrative reinforces that while caregiving involves sacrifice, self-destruction benefits neither caregiver nor recipient.
The novel presents a nuanced approach to institutional versus home care. While the family initially rejects a memory care facility as betrayal, they must continually reassess as Lisa’s condition worsens. Samantha acknowledges they “might get to a point where it’s no longer the right thing for her or [them] to keep her here” (336). This evolving perspective recognizes that what constitutes “good care” may change over time and that professional facilities might sometimes better serve everyone’s needs.
Ultimately, the novel suggests effective caregiving requires balance and teamwork. Samantha’s family meeting leads to more equitable distribution of responsibilities. Similarly, Xavier’s clinic benefits from Hank’s assistance, allowing Xavier to maintain his practice without sacrificing his health. Through these explorations, Jimenez suggests that while caregiving inevitably involves sacrifice, it need not require complete self-abnegation. The novel advocates for sustainable models that preserve the caregiver’s well-being alongside the recipient’s dignity, acknowledging the need for honesty, teamwork, and appropriate boundaries.
Reconciling Idealism With the Complexities of Reality
Xavier’s and Samantha’s opposing philosophical perspectives create initial friction in their relationship but also attract them to each other. Xavier believes “[p]eople are inherently assholes” (8), while Samantha maintains “[p]eople are inherently good” (8). Xavier’s cynicism functions as emotional armor after an abusive childhood and professional experiences witnessing animal neglect. Samantha’s optimism manifests in her belief that strangers will fund Pooter’s surgery, which Xavier dismisses as unrealistic. The novel traces their respective journeys toward middle ground, as they teach each other navigating life’s complexities.
Samantha and Xavier’s first meeting illustrates their differing views, and her GoFundMe campaign for Pooter’s surgery immediately puts them in conflict, testing these competing worldviews. When Samantha successfully raises nearly $10,000, exceeding her goal, it challenges Xavier’s pessimistic outlook. His donation acknowledges this shift, marking the beginning of his gradual openness to seeing good in humanity. The overwhelming support from strangers demonstrates how idealistic actions can sometimes succeed despite cynical expectations, validating Samantha’s hopeful perspective.
However, the novel doesn’t simply champion optimism. Samantha’s idealism confronts harsh reality when she loses her job after a corporate acquisition, her grandmother dies unexpectedly, and her long-distance relationship proves nearly impossible to maintain. Her declaration to Xavier that “this sucks for you and I don’t know why you’d want it” reflects her growing recognition that positive thinking alone cannot overcome certain practical obstacles (322). Similarly, Xavier’s declining health demonstrates the physical consequences of ignoring reality in pursuit of an ideal.
The family’s caregiving situation also highlights how idealism must confront reality. Their promise to keep Lisa at home represents an idealistic commitment that clashes with the practical difficulties of providing constant care. Dan’s suggestion of a memory care facility isn’t portrayed as betrayal but as recognition of the family’s limits. Samantha eventually acknowledges, “We might get to a point where it’s no longer the right thing for her or us to keep her here” (336). This nuanced approach suggests that it is necessary to adapt ideals to changing circumstances.
Xavier’s transformation provides the most dramatic reconciliation of idealism and reality. His decision to leave his practice represents both idealistic sacrifice for love and realistic acceptance that distance makes their relationship unsustainable. When explaining his choice to Samantha, he acknowledges the real consequences of his actions when he says, “I’m about to be several hundred thousand dollars in debt” (346-47), but he also admits that “being without [her] is the hardest thing [he has] ever done” (346). His ultimate decision demonstrates how idealism can motivate difficult changes while still accounting for practical realities.
The novel suggests that to effectively navigate the challenges of life, one must have a balanced approach of hope and practicality. This balance appears in the family’s final caregiving arrangement, which preserves their desire to keep Lisa at home while dividing responsibilities to make it sustainable. It also manifests in Xavier’s new California practice, which satisfies his desire to be with Samantha and his practical need to rebuild his professional life. As Samantha and Xavier’s relationship evolves, they both develop a more balanced perspective, allowing them to build a life together that honors their deepest values while acknowledging real-world constraints.
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