The Courage to be Happy: Discover the Power of Positive Psychology and Choose Happiness Every Day

The youth settles back into the philosopher’s study three years after their last conversation. He explains why he was so excited about Adler in the past and why he is so disappointed with his principles. He can’t decide if Adler’s teachings are scientific or religious. The philosopher challenges the youth to consider notions of truth, beauty, and goodness rather than providing a direct answer. He suggests that philosophy is more mutable than religion because it encourages people to find truth based on their internal voice. Unlike organized religions, Adler never claimed to know everything. Rather, like Socrates, Adler was transparent about his deficits, a standpoint that compelled his followers to seek truth on their own terms. Therefore, the individual should look inside themselves to find truth and accept external uncertainty.

The chapter’s focus on whether Adler’s theories are scientific or religious reflects the timing of the book’s publication. Many countries, including Japan, witnessed a decline in organized religion in the early 21st century, with many people turning to secular institutions and philosophies to fill the spiritual role that religion once played. The characters’ debate positions Adlerian psychology as a candidate for this role, reassuring readers who may be skeptical of religion. 

Chapter Lessons

• Truth and peace of mind can be found in a resolved sense of self.
• You don’t have to have all the answers to find beauty and goodness in life.
• Asking questions about yourself and the world around you can be frustrating but promotes personal growth.

Reflection Questions

• The youth is frustrated that the philosopher won’t give him direct answers. What unknowns do you face in your own life? How would accepting uncertainty make you stronger and more assured?
• The philosopher argues that truth is found inside yourself. Upon self-reflection, which truths can you find inside your own heart, mind, and psyche? How might identifying these truths assuage your fears of the unknown?

The authors use the philosopher and youth’s conversation to explore the relationship between self-reliance and community obligations. The youth has trouble upholding his place in the classroom because he does not know how to rely on himself.

The philosopher lays out Adler’s principle of the “separation of tasks” for the youth. Adler taught that the individual shouldn’t live to please others and that others do not live to please the individual. The individual should follow their internal compass, never intervening in others’ personal expectations or “tasks.”

The youth takes issue with this idea, offering examples from his own classroom. He argues that if he never intervened when his students weren’t doing their work, they wouldn’t learn anything. The philosopher reminds him that the most important part of education—according to Adler—is self-reliance. Any teacher or instructor should encourage the student to rely on themselves. Adler also held that self-reliance is essential to participating effectively in any community. The youth scoffs at this idea but continues the conversation with the philosopher.

The chapter’s emphasis on balancing self-reliance with communal engagement, while true to Adler’s philosophy, also reflects the authors’ efforts to translate Adler’s ideas to a Japanese context. Adler developed his ideas in early 20th-century Western Europe—a broadly individualist culture—whereas Japanese society has traditionally prioritized collectivism and social harmony. The authors thus stress that Adler’s approach actually facilitates communal participation, even if it appears individualist at first glance.

Chapter Lessons

• You can find truth, confidence, and strength by following your own path.
• Avoid living according to others’ expectations of you and remember that others aren’t living according to your expectations of them.
• Instructors of any kind should encourage their students to rely on themselves.
• The best way to learn and to contribute to society is to rely on yourself, take initiative, and live according to your personal truth.

Reflection Questions

• According to Adler, life isn’t about meeting others’ expectations. How do others’ expectations of you impact how you see yourself? How might discarding these expectations and living by your own map help you to grow?
• Adler teaches that self-reliance is essential to a harmonious community. How might being more self-reliant help you to contribute more effectively to your vocational, familial, or social spheres?

This chapter argues that the best way to instill self-reliance in others is to respect them. The youth doesn’t understand why he should respect his students, especially when they are childish. The philosopher argues that even children deserve respect and that this is the best way to instill healthy values in them. Like love, respect is essential to cultivating self-reliance and self-pride. Children won’t respect someone who doesn’t respect them, and cultivating this dynamic requires the teacher to meet their students where they are. The youth takes issue with this mindset, particularly the idea that all people deserve respect.

The characters’ exchange acts as an example of the student-teacher relationship. The philosopher shows the youth love and respect in hopes that the youth will learn to rely on himself.

Chapter Lessons

• Respect is an essential element of any healthy relationship.
• If you want others to respect you, you must be understanding of where and who they are.
• Receiving respect from others can help you feel more self-assured and self-motivated.

Reflection Questions

• According to Adler, respect is a key ingredient in any relationship. How might you show others more respect in order to receive more respect? How do you imagine altering your behavior would change your relationships?
• The youth argues that not all people deserve respect. Do you agree or disagree, and why? Are there people in your work or home spheres whom you have trouble respecting? How might extending more grace alter your engagement in these contexts?

The authors use the philosopher’s stance toward the youth to convey how regarding others with respect and patience can promote harmony and trust. The philosopher lays out Adler’s notion of “social feeling” to address the youth’s questions about respect. The term means caring for everyone in one’s society or showing others concern. Showing concern for those around one means respecting where they are now and allowing room for them to grow. 

The philosopher offers an example of this dynamic. If a parent wants to show respect or concern for their child, they shouldn’t disregard their interests as foolish. Instead, the parent can sit with their child, engage in their games, and express curiosity about their interests. The youth argues that this dynamic is impossible and that many children and students are foolish. The philosopher maintains his standpoint, suggesting that he believes strongly in Adler’s ideas. He himself thus shows the youth respect by meeting him where he is.

Chapter Lessons

• Showing care for others fosters harmony within your social, vocational, and home spheres.
• Meeting others where they are is the best way to show respect to others.
• Avoid letting your personal biases color your perception of others’ interests, beliefs, and needs.

Reflection Questions

• The philosopher explains the notion of “social feeling” to the youth as holding concern for those around you. How might you apply this principle to your own life? What sorts of personal and interpersonal changes would result?
• The philosopher and the youth are representations of the parent and the child. What can you learn about your own familial sphere from the philosopher’s patience with the youth and the youth’s frustrations with the philosopher? How might you apply these relational dynamics to your relationships with your children or parents? What changes might result?

The philosopher and youth discuss the idea of empathy. The philosopher explains the difference between sympathy and empathy, holding that it is essential to see the world through others’ eyes to have healthy relationships that foster respect and love. He suggests that empathy is a skill the individual can learn with care and intention. To live with empathy, the individual has to accept the challenge of imagining another person’s experience and mindset. This framing of empathy aligns with contemporary scientific consensus, though it is important to note that certain psychiatric or developmental conditions may make empathy a more difficult “skill” to train.

Chapter Lessons

• Showing empathy to others is an essential aspect of fostering healthy, reciprocal relationships.
• Being empathetic toward others requires care, intention, and patience.
• If you are empathetic toward others, others will be empathetic toward you; this reciprocity fosters harmonious communities.

Reflection Questions

• The authors underscore Adler’s principles of empathy. How might you show more empathy to the people in your life? How might having empathy for the people in your home, work, and family create peace and harmony?
• In which spheres do you feel you aren’t shown empathy? How and why would receiving empathy from others help you feel more respected, loved, and self-assured?

Via the philosopher and youth, the authors reiterate the importance of reciprocal empathy, love, and respect. Gentleness is a more effective avenue to connection than rebuke.

The philosopher and youth continue discussing empathy and respect. The philosopher encourages the youth to demonstrate these values to his students. If he is empathetic toward and respectful of his students, his students will be more likely to follow his teachings. The youth again takes issue with these notions, arguing instead that rebuking his students and enforcing strict rules is the only way for them to learn. The philosopher asserts that the youth’s example is a perfect throughway into further discussing Adler.

Chapter Lessons

• Remaining open to others’ experiences is essential to fostering respect, love, and peace.
• Avoid rebuking others, as this model can risk creating compliance out of fear.
• Student-teacher relationships are an example of power dynamics where empathy, love, and respect are required for learning.
• Empathy is contagious; show others kindness, and they will show you kindness and grace.

Reflection Questions

• The philosopher reiterates the importance of empathy to all human relationships, arguing that the ability to understand others creates harmony. If you were to show others more empathy, how do you imagine others would treat you differently? How might your relationships become more effective or peaceful?
• The youth argues that rebuking his students is the only way to make them behave the way he wants. How do you imagine rebuking your children, students, coworkers, or friends would impact these relationships? How does receiving rebuke from others make you feel, and why?

The authors lean on Adler’s teachings to suggest that the individual has more autonomy over their life and outlook than they might believe, though past negative experiences can inhibit the individual’s ability to move forward and pursue a new way of being.

The philosopher and youth discuss the notion of teleology, which they define as assigning an ultimate purpose to a phenomenon instead of accepting its cause. For example, a person might use their childhood trauma as an excuse for their miserable personality; instead of accepting that they are miserable because they are severing their relationships in an effort to protect themselves, they use their past as an excuse. The philosopher and the youth argue over whether or not the past exists and how it actually impacts the individual’s sense of self. Their debate centers on how a person makes choices every day to be happy or unhappy.

The authors’ framing of trauma, in both this work and The Courage to Be Disliked, contrasts with the approach taken by much self-help literature. Books like Bessel van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score (2014) and Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry’s What Happened to You? (2021) explore the biology and neurobiology of trauma, explaining how adverse experiences rewire the body in ways that become hard to override. In this context, Kishimi and Koga’s claim that one can simply choose to engage with one’s past more productively risks oversimplifying the realities of recovery. 

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid using your past hurts as an excuse for present behaviors.
• If you accept that the past doesn’t exist, you can accept that your experiences do not have to dictate who you are now and who you can become.
• Make healthy goals surrounding who you want to be and the life you want to live; healthy goals can promote a healthier mindset.
• Take control of your life and your identity by choosing forgiveness, hope, and happiness.

Reflection Questions

• What potentially negative “goals” do you have for your own life? How has pursuing these negative goals inhibited your growth or kept you stuck in your past hurt?
• What new positive goals can you set for yourself and your life? How would orienting yourself toward positive self-talk and healthy relationships alter your self-regard and your relationships with others?

The philosopher reiterates that the past does not exist. He argues that the past is only a story that the individual tells themselves about their life. This story directly reflects how the person sees themselves in the present and what they are moving toward for the future. He offers an example from his own counseling experience. A client believed that the world was dangerous and that everyone was against him because of a childhood experience. His mother had taught him to stand still if he ever saw a stray dog; he did so when he encountered a stray and was bitten. The philosopher encouraged him to retell and reconsider the story in their sessions. Eventually, the client remembered that after he was attacked, a stranger helped him to the hospital. He was ultimately able to accept that the world wasn’t as scary or cruel as he’d let himself believe.

The chapter’s core premise is that the stories the individual tells themselves determine their reality. Thus, if the individual reframes their own personal narrative, they might see the world differently and lead a different life. The emphasis on narrative’s power to shape reality resonates with several 20th and 21st-century philosophical and psychological movements, including postmodernism, narrative therapy (which challenges the individual to craft new stories about themselves), and logotherapy (which emphasizes the centrality of meaning-making to human existence). In the Japanese context, the authors’ claims evoke the concept of ikigai, which loosely corresponds to an individual’s purpose in life, as they define it.

Chapter Lessons

• The past is a story you construct about yourself to validate who you are in the present, and why.
• If you reframe the stories you have written about your past experiences, you might discover an alternate outlook on the world and yourself.
• Avoid letting your past experiences inhibit you in the present; use your past as a roadmap to the present by closely examining each experience you’ve had.

Reflection Questions

• What stories have you been telling yourself about who you are and why? How might you reframe this personal narrative to achieve a new outlook on yourself and your life?
• The philosopher tells the youth a story about a client whose perception of his past distorted his perception of reality in the present. Have you ever told yourself a story about your life that you later realized was false? How did discovering a new perspective on this story give you a new perspective on your reality?

According to Adler, blaming others for one’s problems can keep one from personal growth. If the individual attributes every aspect of their life to slights committed against them, they are only creating drama and avoiding self-reflection.

The philosopher argues that if the individual defines themselves according to their past hurts, they risk living in melodrama. He references Adler’s triangular column by way of example. Some individuals try to engender sympathy by blaming all of their troubles on what others have done to them. There is only one way to escape this dangerous way of thinking, which the philosopher waits to reveal.

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid letting your past hurts dictate your entire sense of self.
• Blaming others for your pain, hurt, misery, or entrapment limits your ability to take accountability for your actions.
• Avoid blaming others, as doing so can create enmity in your relationships and bitterness in your psyche.

Reflection Questions

• Are there times when you’ve blamed others to engender sympathy? How did avoiding personal accountability negatively impact your sense of self and your relationships with others?
• Which past hurts might you let go of to forgive others and reflect on your own shortcomings? How do you imagine letting go of the past will change your reality?