The Courage to be Happy: Discover the Power of Positive Psychology and Choose Happiness Every Day

Rebuke and praise discount the cause of particular behaviors. If the individual scolds or rewards behaviors, they are failing to meet the individual where they are and to extend understanding and respect.

The philosopher and youth continue discussing rebuke and praise. The youth holds that both are necessary in the academic environment, but the philosopher maintains Adler’s stance that both should be avoided. He offers an example from his own childhood. When he was a boy, he used a magnifying glass to kill insects. He asserts that killing the insects wasn’t evidence of his innate cruelty because he didn’t understand what he was doing or why. Oftentimes, perceived misbehavior is attributable to ignorance. Educators, parents, and authority figures should thus encourage those in their care to examine the reason for the behavior before rebuking or praising it. These dynamics are explicable via Adler’s five stages of problem behavior, outlined in the following chapter.

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid rebuking others for perceived misbehavior or risk alienating them.
• Perceived misbehavior, irresponsibility, or cruelty can be attributed to ignorance; if a person doesn’t know what they are doing, they do not understand if it is right or wrong.
• Teach others a moral sense to encourage them to make good choices and exhibit goodness and care.
• Rebuking or praising others will only continue cycles of misbehavior and keep the individual from understanding their motivations.

Reflection Questions

• The philosopher offers a childhood story to explain why rebuke and praise are unhealthy. Identify a similar experience from your own childhood, where your behavior was caused by your ignorance. Were you rebuked or praised for the behavior? Did this response keep you from learning?
• Identify a relationship in your personal life that is defined by an unbalanced power dynamic. How would the elimination of praise or rebuke from this relationship engender more respect and growth?

Adler argues that a sense of community belonging is essential to healthy living. If the individual does not have a sense of belonging, they will act out. Attending to these “problem behaviors” in young children is paramount to fostering healthy, capable, self-empowered adults.

The philosopher offers the youth an overview of Adler’s concept of problem behavior, which he divided into five stages. Adler held that all problem behavior was caused by a desire for belonging. To find belonging, the “problem” individual will first demand admiration by being good. If behaving doesn’t win admiration, they will then try to draw attention to themselves by misbehaving to inspire a rebuke. If this doesn’t work, the individual will engage in power struggles. If resisting authority doesn’t work, the individual will seek revenge via cruel acts. If revenge doesn’t have the desired effect, the individual will then feign incompetence. The philosopher argues that the first stages are relatively typical of all developing children, but if they do not receive love and care when they are in the power struggle stage, it is difficult to help them grow in the future.

This chapter, like Adler’s broader theories about the motivations underlying so-called “problem behavior,” resonates with ongoing debates about childhood development. Particularly in educational settings, the late 20th and early 21st centuries saw renewed emphasis on understanding disruptive behavior as an expression of unmet needs, including (though not limited to) the desire to belong. 

Chapter Lessons

• A sense of belonging is important to a healthy sense of self; if you feel you belong in your community, you will feel more valuable as an individual.
• Without a sense of belonging, problematic behaviors can arise, including seeking admiration, acting out, engaging in power struggles, seeking revenge, and feigning incompetence.
• Addressing problem behaviors in young children can help individuals grow and develop into healthy adults.

Reflection Questions

• The chapter lays out Adler’s five stages of problem behavior. Which of these behaviors have you exhibited in the past? How did the authority figures in your life help you to overcome these behaviors, and how did this mentorship inspire personal growth?
• Identify two problem behaviors you exhibit in your current life. How do these behavioral tendencies relate to your longing for community? How might you seek guidance to overcome these behaviors?

The philosopher delves into the third stage of problem behavior, power struggles, to explore possibilities for personal evolution. He argues that engaging in such battles offers the individual the illusion of control. Acting out, disobeying, or rebelling against authority are means of drawing attention to oneself. He argues that if a student engages in a power struggle in the classroom, the teacher should just let them get angry. If the teacher gets angry in response, they will only be engaging in the student’s power struggle.

The philosopher then explores the fourth problem behavior: revenge. Individuals who seek revenge are looking for hatred. They feel starved for love and believe that they will never receive this love. They act aggressively to get attention. Finally, in the fifth stage—proof of incompetence—the individual will pretend that they are incapable of doing well or taking responsibility for themselves. They try to get people to pay attention to them by pitying and helping them. They start to believe that they are incompetent, too, and demand that others care for them even as they expect people to abandon them for being “incompetent.”

One problem behavior begets another. If the power struggle problem behavior isn’t addressed, the individual will engage in increasingly harmful problem behaviors, including rebellion, violence, revenge, and self-loathing. These behaviors fuel negative core beliefs and are forms of emotional manipulation. If an individual is insecure in themselves, they will act in ways that inhibit personal growth and alienate them from others.

Chapter Lessons

• Power struggles, revenge, and feigned incompetence are rooted in a desperation for love and acceptance.
• If you act in violent ways toward others, you risk alienating yourself from others and believing negative things about yourself.
• Individuals who lack a sense of belonging may try to manipulate others into giving them attention, causing unbalanced relationships.
• If you don’t address your own insecurities, you risk jeopardizing your own agency and community participation.

Reflection Questions

• Identify a power struggle you have engaged in in your own life. How did responding with anger impact the conflict? How would remaining calm have altered what played out in this relationship?
• Identify an area in your life where you feign incompetence to engender sympathy or attention from others. Consider how exercising your agency and owning your competence might alter your sense of self and others’ regard for you.

The philosopher and the youth again debate whether or not rebuke changes an individual’s problem behavior. Like Alder, the philosopher holds that rebuke only engenders fear and does not actually correct the originating behavior. Individuals may even seek out rebuke as a way to earn attention. He suggests that he and the youth explore this phenomenon within the context of the classroom. However, the underlying principles have broad societal implications, evoking such 21st-century debates as the relative efficacy of retributive and restorative justice.

Chapter Lessons

• Problem behavior cannot be resolved by aggressive scolding.
• Avoid rebuking children, students, and even your peers, lest you create more interpersonal problems.
• Because problem behaviors originate from a longing for acceptance, addressing these behaviors with a rebuke will only intensify the individual’s sense of alienation.

Reflection Questions

• Consider the function of rebuke in your own family structure. Identify moments where you have been rebuked or you’ve rebuked another to stop a problem behavior. Did these rebukes do away with the behavior in the long term? Why or why not?
• How do you respond when you are rebuked? Do you seek out rebuke to earn attention? Do you correct your behavior out of fear? Absent the rebuke, how would you respond differently?

The authors posit that the teacher can act as a tutor for change in the classroom. Giving space for students’ disagreements and upset will facilitate an air of respect. Encouraging students to think ahead instead of ruminating on the past will help them overcome aggressive problem behaviors and foster peaceful relations.

The philosopher and the youth discuss how to deal effectively with conflict in the classroom without rebuking students. If two students are fighting, the philosopher suggests that the youth might ask them what happened, hear both of their sides, and ask each of them what they can do now. According to Adler, it does not matter why the fight actually ensued but how the students can change going forward. If the teacher responds violently, they risk creating more violence.

Elements of the discussion in this chapter echo a growing interest in conflict as a potentially constructive force (for example, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen’s Difficult Conversations, first published in 1999). Much as the philosopher advises the youth to allow students space to disagree, such works frame conflict as something to approach thoughtfully rather than to avoid at all costs. However, this idea may be harder to implement in certain settings, including cultural contexts that prioritize cohesion and harmony.

Chapter Lessons

• Rebuke is a form of violence that risks creating more aggression and tension in interpersonal relationships.
• Amid interpersonal conflicts, focus on the future and your own agency to overcome disagreements and move forward.
• When addressing problem behavior, avoid responding with anger or upset; doing so will only fuel the conflict and inhibit learning.

Reflection Questions

• Identify an interpersonal conflict in your present life. How might asking yourself, “What can I do now?” ameliorate this conflict?
• Identify a time you were recently rebuked for an interpersonal conflict. How did you respond? What do you wish the rebuker had asked you instead, and why?

The philosopher continues discussing anger and rebuke with the youth. He argues that according to Adler, anger is a form of violence. Rebuke is also an iteration of anger. Adler believed that when people are angry with each other, distance grows between them. Avoiding anger and focusing on how to change behavior in the future are thus the best ways to engender closeness in interpersonal relationships. While this advice has broad relevance, it may oversimplify the dynamics of anger, particularly as a response to unequal or abusive relationships. 

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid rebuking others, as this approach to problem behavior only worsens interpersonal dynamics.
• Anger is divisive; avoid getting upset lest you push people away.
• Remaining calm amid interpersonal conflicts can breed self-assurance, confidence in others, and peaceful relationships.

Reflection Questions

• According to Adler, rebuke and anger are synonymous. Do you agree or disagree? How has anger resolved or intensified your interpersonal conflicts?
• Identify a moment you recently acted out in anger toward another person. How did the other party respond? How do you think acting calmly would have changed the outcome of this interaction, and why?