The Courage to be Happy: Discover the Power of Positive Psychology and Choose Happiness Every Day

The philosopher expands on Adler’s critique of praise and rebuke, arguing that both serve as forms of control that foster dependency and competition rather than genuine self-reliance. Adler suggests that when people seek approval or avoid punishment, they become trapped in hierarchical relationships that hinder cooperation, personal growth, and effective communication. Instead, he advocates for democratic, horizontal relationships based on mutual respect and encouragement, rather than reward and punishment.

Chapter Lessons

• If authority figures use praise to control their inferiors, they inhibit productive community relations.
• Avoid praising others, as praise only breeds unhealthy competition.
• Avoid seeking praise as a reward for your good behavior; doing so keeps you from constructing your own moral code and developing healthy relationships with others.

Reflection Questions

• According to Adler, praise should be avoided at all costs. Do you agree or disagree with this principle, and why? In the context of your familial or social spheres, what are the positive and negative effects of using praise?
• Identify an arena in your life where you seek out praise. If you stopped seeking praise, how might you find worth inside of yourself instead?

The philosopher’s continued musings on the dangers of competition convey how rivalry can endanger essential forms of human connection. He argues that rivalries do not inspire effective goal-setting. If the individual only seeks to defeat another person in a competition, they are not motivated by a desire to grow or by their own personal values.

According to Adler, the only way to foster a democratic community is to avoid competition and promote cooperation. If the individual regards others as their comrades instead of their rivals, they will be able to communicate more effectively.

Like other chapters on self-reliance and community, this chapter blends elements of Western individualism with a more collectivist ethos. The framing of competition as incompatible with democratic practice is particularly pointed, as it challenges the meritocratic ideology underpinning many modern Western democracies.

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid seeking self-worth via competition, as engaging in rivalries can keep you from developing healthy forms of communication.
• For any society to function, its participants must care for each other and work together.
• Prioritize cooperating with others over competing with them to pursue healthy vocational, familial, and social dynamics.

Reflection Questions

• According to Adler’s teachings, competition endangers community. Do you agree or disagree with this notion, and why? Identify spheres in your own life where competition has had negative or positive outcomes.
• Identify a rivalry you’ve engaged in in your own life. What did this competition teach you about yourself and about others? How might cooperating with your rival have created a more effective communication pattern?

After a lengthy debate, the philosopher and the youth conclude that community is essential to survival. They begin by discussing the use of approval in the classroom. The youth holds that giving his students approval is essential to attending to each individual student’s needs. He doesn’t care about the classroom as a whole; he is more concerned with each student. He agrees that the individual shouldn’t let their pursuit for approval control them but still believes that approval is important. 

The philosopher challenges this point by analyzing childhood development. All children, he holds, have feelings of inferiority. Children aren’t incomplete as people, but they do experience profound powerlessness. It is therefore natural for children to seek attention to gain a sense of power. Community originates from this dynamic. No one could exist without connection to others. Indeed, Adler’s notion of “community feeling” argues that connection to others is essential to human survival. 

Chapter Lessons

• Each individual is a member of a community; contributing to this community promotes healthy self-regard.
• Avoid isolating yourself from others, as interpersonal connections are essential for survival.
• It is not a sign of weakness to need others; seeking community is a way to ensure personal health and well-being.

Reflection Questions

• Adler defines “community feeling” as the innate human instinct toward connection with others. How does community feeling manifest in your own experience? How do you pursue connection with others, and how do you understand the motivation behind your desire for connection?
• Identify a realm in your own life where making connections feels difficult—be it social, familial, vocational, or otherwise. How might reaching out to others in this realm change your regard for yourself and your coworkers, family members, or fellow citizens?

The authors argue via the philosopher and the youth that self-reliance is essential to being an effective member of society. The philosopher and youth explore the connection between feelings of inferiority and community feeling, which the youth struggles to understand. The philosopher turns his attention back to the five stages of problem behavior, reminding him that these behaviors all originate with a desire to belong. However, if an individual member of a community is only driven by a desire for praise, they inhibit their own self-reliance and sense of self-worth. If the individual is only interested in praise and rewards for their behaviors, they are not thinking about the communal whole. Individuals should stop trying to distinguish themselves as special in the community and should find value in their ordinariness instead.

Though still rooted in Adler’s theories, this emphasis on embracing one’s ordinariness is likely to be one of the book’s more countercultural claims for Western readers. In keeping with their broader ethos of individualism, modern Western societies have tended to encourage the pursuit of both excellence and uniqueness. This informs the Western self-help genre, where messages of self-acceptance are often paired with an assumption that being “special” is desirable (as in Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection). By contrast, The Courage to Be Happy encourages self-acceptance—but a form of self-acceptance based on acceptance of one’s collective role.

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid seeking approval for your actions, as doing so can inhibit your ability to contribute effectively to your community.
• Societies function well when each individual is self-reliant, confident in their own abilities, and uninterested in distinguishing themselves from the whole.
• Find your personal value in your ordinary traits and skills.

Reflection Questions

• Identify an area of your life where you constantly strive to distinguish yourself from the communal whole. How do you understand the motivations behind this drive? If you stopped trying to distinguish yourself, how would your self-regard and your relations with others in this setting change?
• According to Adler, the pursuit of approval is a danger to community functioning. Do you agree or disagree, and why?

Applying Adler’s psychology, the authors explore the relationship between an individual’s character and their role in the community. The youth admits his frustrations with the educational sphere and his fears that academia has limitations. He explains that while educators have important roles in their students’ lives, they have little chance of teaching them anything real in light of how little time they really have together. He holds that it is the family’s responsibility to cultivate strong personalities in their children. If a student is behaving inappropriately, therefore, the youth believes it is the fault of the home environment. 

By contrast, the philosopher argues that if a student is acting out, they are doing so because of the teacher. The teacher must reflect on their own behavior to steer the student away from this problem behavior. The educational and the familial realms are intertwined, yet distinct. The way a person acts in one social context is not necessarily the same in other contexts. If a student is being problematic, it is therefore the responsibility of the teacher to examine their effect on the student.

Chapter Lessons

• Pay attention to how others act in your company; if they are engaging in problem behaviors, consider what they might be trying to communicate to you.
• Avoid blaming others for their home environments or upbringings; these social contexts do not determine an individual’s character.
• Be aware of your impact on others and maintain an open mind about how you can change to help others grow.

Reflection Questions

• Identify a dynamic in your home or work sphere where another party has been engaging in problem behaviors. Reflect on what this individual might be telling you about your own behavior. How could you reach the individual where they are to show them respect and love?
• Do you find that you engage in more “problem behaviors” in certain contexts? What might contribute to that?

Via the philosopher and the youth’s ongoing dialogue, the authors hold that happiness is a personal choice. The philosopher argues that anyone who is exposed to Adler will be intrigued by his teachings, which represent happiness as a voluntary state. The youth agrees that Adler is compelling and reviews all of his principles that he and the philosopher have discussed. While he agrees with many of these notions, he is still unsure about Adler’s stance on praise and rebuke. The philosopher suggests that the youth is unwilling to accept Adler’s standpoint because he is unhappy with himself. If he were more self-assured, he would feel more confident in his relationships with others. If the individual believes in themselves and follows their own moral compass, they will not need to use rebukes and praise to control others.

Chapter Lessons

• Adler’s philosophies offer practical guidelines for daily living and human relationships.
• Prioritize self-reliance and self-confidence to foster more sustainable relationships with others.
• Avoid relying on rebuke and praise in your interpersonal relationships, as doing so originates from insecurity and a lack of self-confidence.

Reflection Questions

• Do you agree with the philosopher’s notion that Adler’s psychological principles are compelling and unforgettable? Why or why not? Which aspects of Adler’s psychology are least and most resonant with your personal philosophy?
• Identify an area in your life where you need more self-confidence. How could believing in yourself fuel your pursuit of happiness?