The Courage to be Happy: Discover the Power of Positive Psychology and Choose Happiness Every Day

After analyzing the difference between work and personal relationships, the authors hold that the healthiest friendships revolve around trust and confidence. The philosopher argues that while working relationships have conditions and might arise out of duty, personal relationships are built upon love. Individuals must invest hard work in their connection to foster a meaningful connection and to engender trust and understanding. Some relationships might be deeper than others, but all interpersonal connections require care and devotion. To build any relationship, the individual must strive toward trust and demonstrate love.

Chapter Lessons

• Love and trust are essential to healthy relationships.
• Be patient in your relationships and extend understanding, as true interpersonal connections don’t arise without hard work.
• Be confident in yourself to feel confident in your relationships; if you love yourself, you will not seek proof of your friends’ love.

Reflection Questions

• Identify a relationship you have trouble feeling confident in. Where does your fear or doubt originate? How might trusting yourself allow you to trust your friend more authentically?
• Identify a relationship you have not invested much time or work in. How might you apply more effort or care to this relationship, and what changes do you imagine will result?

In light of the innate human pursuit of meaning, the authors uphold Adler’s notion that work is essential to survival and well-being. The philosopher reminds the youth of the centrality of work to Adler. Work is a way to engage with one’s community. Adler referred to work as the “division of labor,” arguing that if the individual upholds their “work tasks,” they might be a healthy member of society.

Each person has something to contribute to their society. Work is a way to promote effective interpersonal relationships, too. If the individual contributes their part to the group, they will be regarded as valuable; in turn, the individual must rely on the members of their community. This exchange can create a sense of purpose and meaning.

The chapter’s framing of work challenges the perception, particularly common in individualistic societies, that certain kinds of labor deserve more respect or prestige than others. By shifting the focus to societal functioning, the authors imply that a service worker (for example) has a role as important as that of a white-collar professional. However, while it advocates for a shift in attitudes, the chapter does not address the structural factors (e.g., low pay, lack of autonomy, etc.) that may make some jobs feel less rewarding or meaningful.

Chapter Lessons

• Mutual trust between community members allows a society to function effectively.
• Use your distinct skills to contribute to your community and find pride in yourself.
• Trust the members of your community to fulfill their work tasks, while upholding your own; this exchange breeds connection and confidence in interpersonal relationships.

Reflection Questions

• In your family or home life, what is your primary role, and what are your work tasks? How does completing your tasks offer you fulfillment? How do you feel when you shirk these tasks? Conversely, how do you feel when others in your home fulfill or shirk their responsibilities?
• In your work life, how might you take more responsibility for your duties? How would accepting your tasks with pride and joy offer you more personal fulfillment?

The authors explore philosopher Adam Smith and Adler’s ideas of self-interest to convey how taking responsibility for oneself is essential to healthy relationships. The youth takes issue with the philosopher’s ideas about the individual and the community, which echo Smith and Adler. The philosopher explains that no matter the role the individual plays in their society, it is essential. If the individual takes pride in their work and puts their work first, they will have healthier relationships with the members of their community. The individual must value themselves to find belonging in their community.

Like much of the book, this chapter sits at the intersection of individualism and collectivism. Smith’s political and economic philosophy played a central role in shaping Western democracies, including these societies’ traditional emphasis on individual rights and the free market. Writing in the more collectivist context of Japan, the authors balance this idea of self-reliance with one of communal responsibility. As in the previous chapter, however, the task of finding fulfillment in one’s work is fundamentally a personal one for Koga and Kishimi. In this sense, the book reflects the mainstream Western self-help genre, which tends to emphasize personal responsibility over societal interventions. 

Chapter Lessons

• No member of society is without worth; value everyone in your community to foster trust.
• Avoid regarding yourself as inferior or superior to others in your community, as your level of experience at your work is unrelated to your character.
• Take pride in your responsibilities and complete your work tasks to earn respect from others.

Reflection Questions

• In which realm of your life do you feel most valued? How does others’ regard for your work in this setting contribute to your sense of self-worth?
• How might focusing more on yourself and your tasks in your familial or social spheres promote a healthier environment?

Labor must be divided among the members of a group to create a more harmonious society. In any group, the members must also seek friendly connections. The youth takes issue with this notion, remaining resistant to befriending his students. The philosopher reminds him that Adler prioritized showing respect and concern for everyone; this applies within hierarchical relationships, too. No person is superior to another. No one skill is more useful than another. The philosopher draws on Adler to argue that what is most important is what one does with one’s skills.

Chapter Lessons

• Each individual must uphold their position in a society to allow that society to function.
• Whatever skills you may have, value them and use them well.
• Embrace humility and self-pride in your relationships, remembering never to see yourself as inferior or superior to others.

Reflection Questions

• Identify an area of your life where you feel superior to others. What drives that feeling? How might seeing others as your equals change your place in the community?
• Identify three skills that you have and reflect on their purpose. How might you use these skills to engender self-pride and interpersonal connection?

Via the philosopher and youth’s dialogue, the authors hold that intimate relationships require honesty, openness, and trust. When the philosopher poses this claim, the youth disagrees. He holds that he is only his true self when he is with his best friend. The philosopher reminds him that he and his friend weren’t always close and urges him to consider how this relationship developed. He goes on to say that any relationship needs trust and honesty, just like his relationship with the youth. Friendship is possible in any context and with anyone as long as the participating individuals are authentic with each other.

Chapter Lessons

• Avoid hiding behind a mask if you desire true connection.
• No matter the interpersonal context, all relationships require honesty and openness.
• Connection comes about through hard work, patience, and realness, no matter who the participating individuals are to each other.

Reflection Questions

• Reflect on one of your close friendships. How did it develop over time? What roles have honesty and openness played in this relationship, and how would the dynamic be different without these elements?
• Identify a relationship where you are less willing to be honest. How might embracing authenticity alter this relationship in unexpected ways?

The authors hold that believing in others is a way to actively participate in intimate relationships. If the individual believes in others, they can show love unconditionally. The philosopher asserts that he has believed in the youth the entire time they’ve known each other. Although the youth does not always trust him, the philosopher hasn’t lost his confidence in the youth and his capacity to change. Believing in others promotes personal and interpersonal growth.

Chapter Lessons

• Meet others where they are while believing in their ability to change; doing so will encourage growth and connection.
• When you believe in others, you are creating space for newness in your community.
• Belief in others is a form of love that transcends interpersonal conflict.

Reflection Questions

• Identify a relationship where you have a hard time believing in the other person. Where does this doubt originate from? How might believing in the person change foster connection and love?
• Identify a relationship where you do not feel others believe in you. How would their belief in you change how you see yourself as an individual and a member of your community?

The authors hold that self-love is essential to loving others. The philosopher upholds Adler’s notion that if the individual cares about and values themselves, they are better able to invest in their relationships. In the context of the classroom, the teacher must believe in themselves before they can believe in their students. The teacher should also be self-reliant before they can instill self-reliance in their students. The youth challenges these notions, but the philosopher maintains that believing in and loving others is a way of embracing the unknown. If the individual is confident in themselves, they do not fear the unknowns in their relationships or reality.

Chapter Lessons

• If you value yourself, you can value others in a more authentic way.
• Be confident in yourself to feel confident in your relationships.
• Having faith in others is a way to accept the unknown; doing so is easier if you first have faith in yourself.

Reflection Questions

• Identify three things you have trouble valuing in yourself. How might having more confidence in these traits help you achieve better self-worth?
• Reflect on a time someone valued you before you could value yourself. How did this person’s regard for you engender faith in yourself and spur you toward personal growth?

The authors maintain that to promote peace on a global level, the individual must begin by loving those closest to them. The philosopher and the youth discuss how serving in World War I directly affected Adler’s society. Because Adler could not change the conflict or its outcome, Adler argued for the importance of close interpersonal relationships. Taking small steps to show love in daily life can promote large-scale change.

This chapter’s arguments come amid rising rates of anxiety around complex, global issues; for instance, one study found that “climate anxiety” (anxiety about climate change) was negatively impacting mental health in nearly every country surveyed (McKinley, Kyle and Britt Wray. “Climate Anxiety Is on the Rise—Here’s What We Do About It.” World Economic Forum, 2024). While the authors’ emphasis on small, day-to-day actions could be seen as encouraging political disengagement, it also resonates with a renewed emphasis on community building and local action that emerged in the early 21st century.

Chapter Lessons

• World peace is only possible through small acts of authentic love and concern.
• Treat everyone with love to foster peace and harmony in your community.
• Focus on how you can grow in your relationships to promote change on a larger social scale.

Reflection Questions

• Reflect on how your frustrations with global conflict have affected your interpersonal relationships. How might embracing love and empathy in these relationships affect you as a person and the people around you?
• Does the idea of focusing on small-scale positive change feel sufficient to you? Why or why not?