Dulness is the daughter of Chaos and eternal Night. She wishes to restore her ancient empire over the earth by utilizing the least scrupulous members of society. Her primary goal involves halting the progress of wisdom across the world. She commands an army of hack writers and publishers who spread ignorance on her behalf.

Colley Cibber is an actor and playwright whom Dulness crowns as the new King of Dunces. He serves as the Poet Laureate of England and represents the intermarriage of poetry and politics. He spends most of his time being inactive, watching games played in his honor or sleeping in the lap of the goddess.

Alexander Pope is both the narrator of the poem and a real-world author defending his craft. He operates as a Catholic writer marginalized by traditional London society due to discriminatory laws. He uses this mock-epic to retaliate against the publishers and critics who plagiarize his work, fighting back with heroic couplets.

Martin Scriblerus is a fictional persona who authors many of the introductory notes. He assumes an innocent tone while systematically undermining the credibility of the poem's critics. He cleverly uses the contradictory words of the hack writers against them, providing ironic defense for Pope.

Elkanah Settle is the deceased poet to the City of London and the former King of the Dunces. He earns his place in the ranks of Dulness by lowering himself to write occasional poems for pay. As a spirit, he provides Cibber with visions of Great Britain under the goddess's control, guiding the new king through the underworld.

Edmund Curll is a bookseller who prints pirated copies of books and personal letters. He possesses a ruthless command over hack authors, making them write whatever he pleases while ignoring artistic merit. He navigates literal sewage with ease during the goddess's games, thriving on the refuse of the publishing industry.

Bernard Lintot is a London bookseller participating in the games honoring the King of Dunces. He briefly gains the upper hand when his rival slips in excrement but ultimately loses the race. He represents the cutthroat nature of the publishing industry.

Eliza Haywood is an eminent literary figure, actor, and publisher. The narrative conjures her as a phantom prize in the games to mock her for producing salacious material.

Thomas Osborne is a bookseller known for publishing pirated copies of texts. He fails spectacularly during the goddess's games, splashing himself in the face and receiving a chamber pot as his prize.

Richard Blackmore is a writer known for producing excessively long epic poems. He is heralded during the critic games for generating tremendous literary noise without offering actual substance.

John Henley is an eccentric preacher who gives regular public speeches. His work is considered so incredibly boring that the judges fall asleep while attempting to evaluate it.

Cloacina is the goddess of the Roman sewer system. She intervenes during the bookseller footrace to grant Curll renewed strength from the excrement he fell into, ensuring his victory over Lintot.

Daniel Defoe is an illustrious writer, pamphleteer, and political hitman. He uses hundreds of pen names to write for various sides of a given issue, making him a prime example of mercenary literature.

Laurence Eusden is the former Poet Laureate of England. He is characterized as a poet who is barely read and holds high office despite lacking talent.

John Dennis is a noted critic and playwright. He is a long-time enemy of Pope whose own critical words are used against him in the poem's preface materials.

John Oldmixon is a critic known for writing negative commentaries. He eagerly participates in flinging muck and diving into the city's main sewer outlet.

Jonathan Smedley is an author and publisher of scurrilous pieces. He dives into the muddy sewer and disappears entirely.

William Arnal is a political hack who specializes in starting trouble. He wins the competition for flinging the most muck during the games.