Brooks describes his experience meeting and falling in love with his wife, Ester. In the summer of 1988, he was performing with his brass quintet in Burgundy, France, when he saw a beautiful Catalan woman in the audience. They had no common language, but through an interpreter, he asked her out. After dinner, he returned to New York feeling like Don Quixote pursuing Dulcinea from Miguel de Cervantes’s novel Don Quixote. Months after meeting Ester, a friend offered Brooks a Barcelona symphony job. He accepted, moved to Spain, learned Spanish and Catalan, and proposed to Ester, who accepted. Although Brooks and Ester still struggled to communicate , their connection transcended language. Thirty-four years later, with children and grandchildren, their communication is on a soul level—Brooks holds that Ester completes him. In a foreign setting, he says, his right hemisphere was unguarded, and Ester’s soul entered his.

Many strivers believe that finding love is unsolvable because they approach it as technical rather than complex. Brooks asserts that a fundamental issue with this is the English language’s deficiencies: English has one word for love, while Spanish has two and ancient Greek has seven, including eros (romantic), philia (brotherly), agape (unconditional), storge (family), ludus (playful), pragma (practical), and philautia (self-love). Brooks believes that his marriage encompasses all seven.

In Plato’s Symposium, Socrates recounts the prophetess Diotima of Mantinea’s “Ladder of Love” (115); here, physical attraction leads from the appreciation of beauty in general to the appreciation of beautiful souls, good society, beautiful ideas, and finally to life’s meaningful aspects. Romantic love provides an entry point to this journey.

Brooks examines the biology of attraction, which involves testosterone and estrogen. Physical contact between people triggers norepinephrine and dopamine, creating euphoria. When individuals part ways, they might experience lower serotonin, leading to rumination. Brain scans of people in love show that lovers exhibit neurological activity similar to drug addiction. Over time, oxytocin and vasopressin create pair bonds. Lovers’ right-hemisphere brain activity can synchronize. Brooks evidences this phenomenon by referencing how religions treat romantic love as supernatural; for example, Genesis describes Adam and Eve’s divine union. 

Despite the importance of love to a sense of meaning, Brooks holds that millions struggle to find satisfying intimate relationships. Marriage rates fell from 79% of households in 1949 to under half by 2022. Singledom increased between 1990 and 2019. Sexual frequency dropped from almost 50% weekly in 1988 to 33% in 2021—or what Brooks deems “a love depression” (118).

Brooks asserts that dating apps, the most common method of finding partners by 2010, pose problems for finding intimate partnerships. Women feel overwhelmed by male overtures, while men get few responses—an evolutionary asymmetry. Apps rely on compatibility preferences, but according to sociologist Robert Francis Winch’s research, love between happy couples often depends on complementarity instead of sameness. A 1995 Swiss experiment confirmed this notion, showing that women preferred the scent of genetically dissimilar men to men with scents more similar to their own.

The author advises using traditional matchmaking alongside apps and prioritizing real-life interaction. Eye contact and touch produce bonding oxytocin, essential to forming close connections.

Brooks holds that pornography is a dangerous simulation of sex and love. Over 80% of young men and nearly 30% of young women view it weekly. It isolates sex from love, creating a drug-like addiction and reinforcing depression and loneliness cycles. It destroys meaning by eliminating love’s complexity.

Brooks suggests that fear of rejection deters people from pursuing one another in person. Individuals seeking romantic partners are deterred by potential emotional pain, which resembles physical pain; however, the author believes that avoiding this discomfort creates worse problems. Heartbreak averages 3 on a 1-7 scale of emotional pain and decreases 0.07 weekly, halving in six months. People typically find love again within months of experiencing heartbreak—suggesting that this emotional discomfort isn’t ultimately untenable. Brooks suggests that there are many healing strategies for heartbreak, including contemplating an ex’s negatives, doing enjoyable activities, and listening to sad music. By way of contrast, following an ex on social media blocks recovery.

Brooks poses the risk of rejection as part of a meaning-discovery loop: risk followed by failure, suffering, learning, and success. One danger amid the search for real love is the “Dark Triad,” or a person who has narcissistic, Machiavellian, and anti-social tendencies. Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman found that about one in 14 people fit this profile. Dark Triads prey on vulnerable people, prefer short-term relationships, and use “DARVO” (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) manipulation. The opposite, the “Light Triad” (faith in humanity, dignity, belief, respect), characterizes about half the population. Proximity to Light Triads causes moral elevation.

While not everyone may find romantic love, Brooks holds that platonic friendships can be as important to mental health. The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that close platonic friendships also bring meaning. Emerson wrote that friendship’s glory is spiritual inspiration. Saint Teresa of Avila taught that close relationships enable metaphysical experiences. A study found that middle schoolers identified friends as most helpful for meaning. Many adults, especially those of Generation Z, lack real friends; nearly 70% say that no one truly knows them. The ultimate romantic goal begins with close friendship and leads to companionate love, where spouses are best friends.

To cultivate friendships, Brooks urges his readers to reconnect and maintain communication with old friends. He has found that cultivating his own friendship with his wife has helped their relationship. Both participate in Proyecto Amor Conyugal (Marital Love Project), a Spanish movement helping couples see marriage as divine connection through prayer and conversation, ascending the Ladder of Love together. This self-transcendence extends beyond romance.

In April 2013, Brooks traveled to Dharamshala, India, to meet the Dalai Lama (Tenzin Gyatso), the 14th “Ocean of Wisdom.” After a hazardous journey, he nervously prepared, but the Dalai Lama immediately put him at ease. Buddhists consider Dalai Lamas living bodhisattvas who achieved enlightenment but continue to help others; Tenzin Gyatso embodies Chenrezig, or compassion. Their friendship deepened through subsequent collaborations. The Dalai Lama taught Brooks that transcendence requires two methods: lifting attention toward the divine and serving others with compassion. 

One summer, Brooks made a Catholic pilgrimage to Siena, Italy, to venerate Saint Catherine of Siena’s finger. This 14th-century mystic advised Stefano Maconi to conform to divine will, echoing Tolstoy’s view that life’s meaning is serving the force that sent you.

Brooks holds that even nonreligious people benefit from opening to metaphysical dimensions. He references Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard’s three life stages by way of example: aesthetic (earthly pleasures), ethical (commitments), and religious (transcendent purpose). The religious stage requires a “leap of faith” (141). Humans have innate religious tendencies, visible in modern activism’s rituals. Neuroscientist Lisa Miller’s research shows that spiritual experiences can lower brain activity, controlling sensory processing and enabling transcendence.

In Brooks’s own experience, venerating Catherine’s relic connected him to believers across centuries, while his scientific knowledge increases his hunger to know God. His daily practice of attending Mass and praying the rosary with his wife also enables his own transcendence.

Brooks holds that faith has three components: feeling, belief, and practice. Religious feeling includes states like samadhi and the Prophet Muhammad’s instruction to love Allah. However, religious feelings can fluctuate. Saint Ignatius of Loyola observed that sensing God’s presence varies; therefore, belief involves accepting truths that Thomas Aquinas called “midway between science and opinion” (145).

Therefore, Brooks holds that believing in the unseen is not unscientific. For example, Russian cosmonaut Gherman Titov argued against God based on not seeing him in space, but science accepts unseeable realities, including quarks, higher-dimensional mathematics, and other species’ senses like sharks’ electroreception. Brooks further evidences the connection between faith and science via the Bible’s definition of faith, Aristotle’s arguments for God as the unseen “first mover,” and a 2009 Pew Research Center survey reporting that scientists believe in a higher power.

Brooks identifies the second form of transcendence as looking outward. According to the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie, people spend 95% of their time self-focused. Philosopher William James distinguished the “I-self” (where the individual observes the world) from the “me-self” (where the individual observes themselves). Brooks holds that meaning comes from the I-self.

Brooks references his own experience of looking outward. Early in his career studying charitable giving, he learned that giving to others can change one’s mindset from a “person with problems” to a “problem solver.” Further, Brooks states that giving substantially to one person is more empowering than giving a little bit to many people, reflecting the Talmud’s teaching that saving one soul can save the world. Brooks discovered the truth of this notion when he and Ester adopted a baby from Jinjiang, China, abandoned in a park. Twenty-three years later, she’s a college graduate and a Marine Corps officer. This experience transformed him as much as his marriage.

The author references research showing that prosocial behavior also increases well-being, even in toddlers. In one study, when children were asked to share with a puppet, they experienced joy and delight. Anonymous donorship produces similar results: Anonymous kidney donors report significantly higher happiness. This is, Brooks holds, a form of love—reinforcing Aquinas’s definition of love as willing another’s good.

While showing kindness is vital to a meaningful life, Brooks argues that accepting kindness is equally important. He references an elderly relative of his own who was endlessly generous to others but could never accept favors; such behavior, Brooks holds, is selfish, as it prevents mutual caring. Further, the author argues that people are more willing to help than expected and feel valuable when asked for assistance or advice. He thus advises his readers to accept and reciprocate offers of kindness.

Brooks closes the chapter returning to his experience with the Dalai Lama. He told the author that the 1968 “Earthrise” photograph impacted him deeply because it reminded him of his smallness. Brooks echoes this sentiment, asserting that contemplating our universal insignificance can inspire us to help and make peace with others. Even in loving one person, Brooks believes that we show love for all.

Brooks opens his discussion of finding a calling with a Zen story. In the story, a novice monk asks for his work assignment, hopeful that he will gain favor, recognition, and status. However, both before and after his enlightenment, he has to chop wood and carry water; his ultimate job is to find meaning in these tasks.

The author references his own employment history across time and describes what each job gave him. He held various jobs—making pizzas, playing French horn, and running a nonprofit—but only his current work of writing about happiness feels like a calling. Brooks holds that feeling called to something is a form of self-transcendence. According to Abraham Maslow’s 1943 “Hierarchy of Needs,” self-actualization and self-transcendence are at the top of the pyramid, suggesting that they’re less important than physiological needs, but Brooks argues that transcendence is fundamental.

Drawing on various philosophical teachings, Brooks presents his own work-meaning hierarchy: necessary evil, duty, craft, service, calling. His model leans on religious texts like the Genesis story and Hinduism’s Bhagavad Gita. Thus, understanding one’s calling correlates with life’s meaning.

Brooks references Saint Teresa of Calcutta, Mother Teresa’s work as an example of the intersection of work and purpose. At 36, Mother Teresa had a vision to serve the poorest of the poor. She founded the Missionaries of Charity, gained attention through journalist Malcolm Muggeridge, won the 1979 Nobel Prize, and devoted her life to the service of others. Even if a job is unglamorous, Brooks argues, an individual might still do it well and find meaning in it.

Brooks considers how the pursuit of societal success conflicts with the pursuit of a meaningful life. Psychologists distinguish “objective careers” (driven by money, power, and prestige) from “subjective careers” (driven by earned success and service). If success is earned, individuals feel that their merit is recognized and meaningful. This contrasts with learned helplessness, where effort does not affect how an employee is seen or treated. Serving others, Brooks holds, can help prevent feelings of superfluousness. For example, when Brooks’s father fell ill, he was anxious to leave the hospital and return to the college campus where he taught because he believed that his students needed him: His work gave him purpose because he felt essential to others.

Brooks argues that instead of spending one’s life trying to “have fun” or “save the world,” research shows that seeking a values-driven life leads to more passion and lower turnover than enjoyment seekers. The author holds that this notion is supported by how economists divide rewards: into extrinsic and intrinsic values, or values based on wages and prestige or those based on the belief that work matters. Calling comes from intrinsic motivation.

For example, individuals might use proxy goals to pursue complex callings. One example is the story of the Three Wise Men following a star to bring gifts to Bethlehem and ultimately see their savior. Another way to use proxy goals is to deliver coffee to a coworker in an unsatisfying work setting to create connections and ultimately add meaning to one’s daily life. Good proxies are non-zero-sum goals, or goals motivated by an approach instead of avoidance. In short, Brooks urges his readers to focus on making connections with other people and growing as an individual, rather than attaining material things or controlling others’ perceptions of you; he reinforces the adage that life is about the journey, not the destination.

One of the first ways to add more meaning to life is to pursue work that aligns with the individual's values. To do so, Brooks urges readers who are dissatisfied with their jobs to quit. Leaving a soul-sucking vocation can improve a person’s sense of purpose (despite the associated stress) and can improve mental health. The notion of the “work-life balance” is a fallacy to Brooks because it treats work and life as opposites; instead, the two go hand in hand. When jobs are unsatisfying or an individual is determined to prove themselves through even an unsatisfying job, “workaholism” can emerge—effectively crowding out relationships. Psychiatrist Anna Lembke noted that workaholism can also lead to secondary addictions. Brooks admits that he was a workaholic at his last job, perpetually trying to prove his worth via his job rather than choosing happiness. Working 80-hour weeks when his children were young did not bring joy. Therefore, a life of all work is meaningless.

Similarly, Brooks holds, a life of empty pleasure is meaningless. He references German philosopher Josef Pieper’s ideas by way of example. Pieper reconceived leisure as contemplation, not mere relaxation. Pieper’s definition of leisure emphasizes “philosophical contemplation and artistic experiences, learning new ideas or skills, spending time in nature, and deepening relationships” (184), as well as religious worship. Brooks suggests that an individual might incorporate Archbishop Fulton Sheen’s daily “holy hour” into their routine, spending time alone in quiet thought, and set goals instead of being engaged in passive entertainment.

Outside the work realm, an individual’s well-being depends on whether or not healthy leisure is chosen or forced. Brooks references the Jack Nicholson movie About Schmidt by way of example. Nicholson plays a dismayed forced retiree who finds his new joblessness boring and lonely. In periods of unexpected unemployment, Brooks suggests pursuing new productive activities, like family time, service, teaching, and charity. During COVID-19, Brooks used grounded travel time to write a career-changing book.

Brooks references more of his personal experiences in closing his discussion on finding one’s calling. As a young person, he knew that his childhood calling was music, practicing obsessively for French horn mastery. He quit college to pursue his musical career and later performed with the City Orchestra of Barcelona. However, this path featured extrinsic, “me-self” goals. He left music at 31 for a social science PhD. Over time, he reintroduced music into his life with a new “I-self” appreciation for beauty. Listening to Johann Sebastian Bach is now central to his sense of transcendence. Ultimately, Brooks believes that he had to leave a beautiful career to find his professional calling; still, he has brought beauty back into his life for a deeper sense of meaning.