We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions

Chapter 2 grapples with how individuals construct, deconstruct, and reclaim their authentic selves in a world obsessed with categorization and labeling. Wambach reflects on her transition from being defined as an athlete to seeking her core identity beyond that role, highlighting the natural human tendency to find safety in labels while simultaneously yearning to break free from their limitations.

The chapter argues that beneath external labels exists an innate, authentic self that remains constant despite society’s influence. Sonya Renee Taylor, author of works such as The Body Is Not an Apology, presents a metaphor of humans as acorns: They already contain everything needed to become oak trees, suggesting that self-discovery involves removing societal barriers rather than adding new skills or qualities. This perspective challenges the consumer-oriented self-improvement industry—for instance, the growth of the supplement market, fueled by social media influencers and celebrity endorsements—by positioning authenticity as a process of excavation. By contrast, products and services associated with contemporary wellness culture frequently promote self-improvement through addition rather than rediscovery of what already exists.

The authors present multiple frameworks for understanding the internal self, including psychotherapist Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems theory, which conceptualizes identity as a community of parts led by a wise, untraumatized “Self.” The chapter also emphasizes the distinction between thoughts and essential being, with Glennon Doyle noting that becoming aware of one’s thoughts creates separation from them, as one cannot simultaneously be both the observer and the observed. This distinction offers a tool for those struggling with negative self-talk, as it creates space between intrusive thoughts and one’s core self and is in keeping with many of the approaches utilized therapeutically in cognitive-behavioral therapy—particularly those that incorporate elements of mindfulness. In addition, the text explores spirituality’s role in identity formation, suggesting that beneath individual differences lies a universal connectedness. This spiritual dimension, though common in personal development texts, may limit the book’s relevance for those who adhere to a more strictly materialist perspective.

The chapter concludes by examining how identity evolves yet remains fundamentally consistent throughout life. The concept that one’s consciousness or “true self” remains the same from childhood through old age provides a comforting continuity amid life’s changes. The authors frame personal growth as a homecoming journey—returning to an authentic self that was always present but perhaps obscured by societal expectations or trauma.

Chapter Lessons

• Identity exists beyond societal labels and roles; authentic selfhood involves excavating one’s inherent qualities rather than acquiring new ones through external products or skills.
• A distinction exists between thoughts and the observer of those thoughts; recognizing this separation creates freedom from harmful self-talk and limiting beliefs.
• Multiple perspectives can coexist within one person, but a wise, untraumatized core self can learn to lead these different aspects of themselves with compassion.
• The feeling of connection to others and to a universal consciousness provides a spiritual framework for understanding identity that transcends individual differences.

Reflection Questions

• What labels have provided you with a sense of safety, and in what ways might they be limiting your understanding of your complete self?
• How might your relationship with yourself change if you approached personal growth as a process of excavation and rediscovery rather than addition and improvement?

Chapter 3 explores the various indicators that signal when individuals have disconnected from their authentic selves. The three authors and various “wayfinders” share personal experiences of self-disconnection, examining how societal pressures and internalized expectations contribute to this phenomenon. The authors describe how people often respond with the automatic reassurance that they’re “fine” even when they’re struggling—a conditioned response learned in childhood when adults dismissed children’s emotions with similar platitudes.

The chapter illuminates several manifestations of self-disconnection: when daily life becomes a monotonous checklist with no joy, when productivity becomes the primary source of satisfaction, and when achievement replaces genuine well-being. This list resonates with critiques of hustle culture found in books like Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, though this chapter takes a more personal rather than systemic approach. The authors explain how this kind of dissociation serves as a protective mechanism but ultimately inhibits authentic living.

The chapter also explores how people lose themselves through the externalization of emotions—projecting unwanted feelings onto others, using loved ones to regulate their anxiety, and struggling with resentment when others exhibit behaviors they themselves desire but deny. This analysis of projection shares conceptual territory with Jungian psychology but uses accessible, modern language that incorporates personal anecdotes. The wayfinders emphasize how self-abandonment often leads to self-sabotage, creating cycles of harmful behavior, including addiction and numbing. As a whole, the chapter emphasizes that finding oneself is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing practice of awareness and realignment. It thus offers a realistic approach compared to the many self-help texts that promise permanent transformation; for instance, Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now describes the author’s spiritual awakening as an almost instantaneous rebirth, implying that the same could be true for readers.

Chapter Lessons

• Emotional disconnection manifests in numerous ways: constant busyness, diminished joy, resentment toward others, projection of unwanted feelings, and self-sabotage through numbing behaviors.
• Self-regulation is an individual responsibility; using others (including children, partners, or friends) to manage one’s emotions constitutes using people inappropriately.
• Body awareness serves as a crucial tool for reconnection; noticing physical sensations and needs before dissociation occurs can prevent harmful behaviors.
• Self-recovery is not a one-time achievement but rather an ongoing cycle of losing and finding oneself, requiring consistent attention to internal signals.

Reflection Questions

• What specific indicators mentioned in this chapter resonate with your own experiences of disconnection, and what coping mechanisms have you developed that might actually be perpetuating this disconnection?
• How might practicing body awareness and honoring your physical needs change your relationship with yourself, and what small steps could you take toward greater embodiment in your daily life?