59 pages • 1-hour read
We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions
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Chapters 13-16Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of gender discrimination, sexual content, mental illness, ableism, antigay bias, substance use, and self-harm.
Chapter 13 Summary & Analysis: “Sex. Am I Doing This Right?”
Chapter 13 advocates for approaching sexuality with a “beginner’s mind,” free from societal expectations and choreographed behaviors. Through discussions with experts like Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski, and Vanessa Marin, the authors present sexuality as something much broader than the physical act of sex: It encompasses connection, pleasure, aliveness, curiosity, and playfulness.
The chapter challenges conventional metrics of sexual health, particularly the focus on frequency, and redirects attention toward pleasure as the primary barometer. This framing echoes an ongoing shift from historical approaches to women’s sexuality, which have traditionally ignored female pleasure. By centering pleasure rather than performance or obligation, the text aligns with feminist discourse on reclaiming women’s bodies and desires from patriarchal frameworks that have long commodified female sexuality.
The authors explain key concepts about sexual desire, distinguishing between spontaneous desire (which begins in the mind) and responsive desire (which begins in the body). This distinction provides context for why individuals may experience desire differently, which normalizes experiences that might otherwise cause feelings of inadequacy. The chapter also introduces the dual-control model of sexuality, which compares sexual desire to a car’s accelerator and brake system. “Accelerators” are factors that enhance sexual desire (such as feeling confident, experiencing non-demanding affection, or being in a relaxing environment), while “brakes” are factors that inhibit it (such as stress, body shame, distracting thoughts, or relationship conflicts). This model helps reframe common issues like stress-related libido reduction as normal physiological responses rather than personal shortcomings or indicators of relationship problems.
The chapter strongly emphasizes communication, self-exploration, and redefining sexuality beyond conventional expectations. The authors provide practical advice for improving sexual communication—such as creating “sex menus” that specify different types of intimacy. They also address challenging topics like sexual trauma, pain during intercourse, and the isolation that occurs when partners have mismatched levels of desire. For example, the chapter acknowledges that one-third of women experience pain during sex and that many people go years without sexual activity, normalizing experiences that are often treated as shameful secrets. By openly discussing these realities, the chapter creates space for individuals to explore their sexuality authentically rather than conforming to external expectations.
Chapter Lessons
- Sexuality requires lifelong curiosity and exploration; approaching it with a “beginner’s mind,” free from expectations, allows for more authentic and enjoyable experiences.
- Understanding the difference between spontaneous desire (beginning in the mind) and responsive desire (beginning in the body), as well as the dual control model of accelerators and brakes, helps normalize diverse experiences of sexual desire.
- Pleasure, rather than frequency, is the more meaningful metric for evaluating sexual health.
- Open communication about desires, boundaries, and experiences is essential for fulfilling sexual relationships; practical approaches include providing options for intimacy, scheduling quality time, and creating “menus” of activities.
Reflection Questions
- How has societal conditioning shaped your expectations about sex and pleasure? In what ways might you begin to approach your sexuality with more curiosity and less judgment?
- Consider your own experience of “accelerators” and “brakes.” What specific factors enhance your desire, and what factors inhibit it? How might understanding these patterns help you create more fulfilling intimate experiences?
Chapter 14 Summary & Analysis: “Parenting. Am I Doing This Right?”
Chapter 14 presents parenting as a profound journey of letting go rather than controlling; it emphasizes authenticity over perfection when it comes to raising children. The chapter’s central argument revolves around the metaphor of parents as gardeners rather than sculptors, nurturing what already exists within children instead of molding them according to external expectations.
The authors advocate for radical acceptance of children’s authentic selves, challenging approaches that prioritize societal approval. This philosophy emerges through various contributors’ experiences, from parenting children with ADHD to supporting LGBTQ+ children. Rather than changing children to fit a narrow social definition of acceptability, the chapter argues for changing one’s own perspective and, when necessary, advocating for systemic change. This approach reflects contemporary movements toward neurodiversity acceptance and LGBTQ+ affirmation, positioning the chapter within broader cultural shifts toward inclusivity that have gained momentum in the early 21st century.
The chapter extensively explores emotional resilience, advocating for allowing children to experience difficult feelings rather than rushing to fix them. Dr. Becky Kennedy’s “bench” metaphor illustrates how parents should sit alongside children during hard moments rather than immediately trying to drag them over to a “happier bench.” This approach challenges helicopter parenting trends that emerged in the early 2000s, offering a more emotionally intelligent alternative that builds resilience rather than avoidance patterns.
A significant portion of the chapter addresses the concept of “repair”—the practice of parents returning to apologize and take accountability after mistakes. This represents a departure from the authoritarian parenting models that many cultures have traditionally practiced, in which parents rarely admitted fault. The chapter presents repair not as weakness but as essential relationship-building that teaches children about healthy conflict resolution and self-worth. This emphasis on repair aligns with trauma-informed parenting approaches that emerged in the 2010s.
The chapter also tackles complex topics like co-parenting, blended families, and expressions of maternal energy beyond biological motherhood. These discussions reflect evolving family structures and challenge the nuclear family model that has dominated Western societies throughout the last few centuries.
Throughout, the chapter emphasizes the balance between boundaries and empathy—validating children’s experiences while maintaining necessary limits. Dr. Becky Kennedy provides the metaphor of an airplane pilot, saying that parents can acknowledge “turbulence” while remaining steady leaders for their children: “Embodying your authority while also validating their experience is what makes that pilot feel so sturdy and safe” (336). This approach offers practical guidance for parents navigating the tension between support and structure, providing a framework that honors both children’s autonomy and parental responsibility.
Chapter Lessons
- Imperfection is a teaching tool: Children learn to embrace their humanity by witnessing parents make mistakes, apologize, and repair relationships, not by observing impossible perfection that creates shame when children inevitably fall short.
- Parents should practice radical acceptance of children’s authentic selves. Effective parenting involves seeing and nurturing children as they actually are, rather than molding them according to societal expectations or parental projections.
- Supporting children through difficult emotions means sitting alongside them during hard moments rather than immediately trying to fix or minimize their experiences. Presence, not problem-solving, helps children to develop emotional resilience.
- Parents can validate children’s feelings while still holding firm to their decisions, demonstrating that empathy doesn’t require abandoning necessary limits or structure.
Reflection Questions
- How do your own childhood experiences with parental expectations influence the way you currently interact with children in your life, and what patterns might you want to consciously shift?
- In what areas of your relationships—whether with children, partners, or friends—could you apply the principle of “repair” to strengthen connection and model healthy accountability?
Chapter 15 Summary & Analysis: “Why Can’t I Be Happy?”
Chapter 15 explores the paradox of seeking happiness in a culture that promotes perpetual dissatisfaction and endless striving. The authors argue that true contentment comes not from avoiding discomfort or pursuing external achievements but from embracing present-moment awareness and redefining one’s relationship with “enough.”
The chapter begins with Glennon Doyle’s insight about the numbing mechanisms, particularly alcohol, that many people use to “take the edge off” daily stress (356). This practice prevents individuals from receiving crucial information about necessary life changes because discomfort serves as an internal guidance system, signaling when relationships need attention, careers require shifts, or personal boundaries need establishment. By avoiding discomfort, people lose their capacity for meaningful transformation and remain stuck in unsatisfying circumstances. This perspective aligns with contemporary research in psychology and neuroscience, popularized in works like Ethan Kross’s Shift, that emphasizes the adaptive function of negative emotions. Rather than viewing discomfort as something to eliminate, the authors position it as essential data for personal growth. This advice may be less applicable in cases where mental health or other neuropsychiatric conditions alter the typical discomfort response, rendering it less valuable as a signal.
The chapter then addresses the cultural conditioning toward perpetual striving, particularly within capitalist frameworks that profit from consumer dissatisfaction. Several contributors discuss the concept of being “satisfiable” as fundamentally anti-capitalist since economic systems depend on individuals believing they need more possessions, achievements, or improvements to reach fulfillment. The authors suggest that recognizing what truly satisfies oneself—often simple, non-purchasable experiences—represents a form of resistance against consumer culture. Writer and activist Adrienne Maree Brown’s contribution about documenting joy through journaling exemplifies this practical approach to satisfaction. By actively noticing and recording moments of genuine happiness—a child’s excitement, friends’ laughter, or other simple daily pleasures—individuals can recognize that joy already exists in their lives without additional purchases or achievements. This practice shifts attention from future-oriented acquisition to present-moment appreciation.
Other practical strategies for cultivating happiness include creating space for joy through intentional choices, such as saying no to unfulfilling commitments to make room for genuinely enjoyable activities. The authors emphasize that fun and delight can be integrated into mundane activities rather than requiring separate, elaborate experiences.
The chapter concludes with discussions about joy as both personal nourishment and social contribution, arguing that individual happiness benefits not only the person experiencing it but also their family members and community. This perspective reframes happiness as a responsibility rather than a luxury, particularly for parents modeling life satisfaction for their children.
Chapter Lessons
- Rather than numbing uncomfortable feelings, individuals can investigate them to identify necessary changes in relationships, careers, or personal boundaries.
- Recognizing that consumer culture profits from individuals believing they need more possessions or achievements can help people identify what truly satisfies them.
- Happiness often comes from noticing and appreciating simple experiences already available in daily life, rather than pursuing future achievements or acquisitions.
- Cultivating individual happiness serves as a form of service to family members and communities, making the cultivation of joy both personally fulfilling and socially responsible.
Reflection Questions
- What daily discomforts, or “edges,” might be providing information about changes needed in your life, and how could you investigate these feelings rather than avoiding them?
- When you imagine having “enough,” what specific experiences or circumstances come to mind, and how many of these depend on external achievements versus internal shifts in perspective?
Chapter 16 Summary & Analysis: “Why Am I So Angry?”
Chapter 16 frames anger as a vital emotional signal rather than a character flaw, challenging cultural narratives that shame individuals—particularly women—for experiencing this fundamental human emotion. The chapter presents anger through multiple lenses: as self-protection, as a messenger revealing unmet needs, as the foundation for healthy boundaries, and as fuel for necessary change.
The authors establish that anger serves as an internal alarm system, alerting individuals to situations that require attention or action. One contributor describes how suppressing anger for decades led to internal destruction while their external circumstances remained unchanged, illustrating the hidden costs of emotional repression. This perspective aligns with contemporary therapeutic approaches that view emotions as information rather than inherently good or bad states.
Several contributors reframe anger as a protective mechanism, particularly for those who have experienced trauma or neglect. The chapter draws on attachment theory through psychiatrist John Bowlby’s observations of children in institutional care, demonstrating how anger can emerge when vulnerable expressions of need go consistently unmet. This psychological framework helps contextualize aggressive behavior as adaptive rather than purely destructive.
The text particularly emphasizes how cultural conditioning teaches women to fear their anger, arguing that this serves to maintain existing power structures. Contributors suggest that if women learned to interpret anger as guidance toward their needs and acted accordingly, societal arrangements would fundamentally shift. This analysis reflects broader feminist discourse about emotional labor and the gendered expectations surrounding emotional expression.
The chapter also addresses anger in the context of grief and family relationships, normalizing the experience of feeling angry toward loved ones, including those who have died. This perspective challenges idealized notions of unconditional love and suggests that the closest relationships often require the most forgiveness, presenting anger and love as compatible rather than opposing forces.
Chapter Lessons
- Rather than being a character defect, anger serves as an internal guidance system that alerts individuals to unmet needs, boundary violations, and situations requiring change or protection.
- Society systematically teaches women to fear their anger because recognizing and acting on legitimate needs would fundamentally challenge current social arrangements and distributions of power.
- Suppressing anger to maintain relationships or social acceptance often leads to self-harm, depression, and resentment while failing to address the underlying issues that triggered the anger.
- Learning to recognize anger as physical sensations and information allows individuals to respond constructively rather than reactively, using anger as fuel for positive change rather than destruction.
Reflection Questions
- When you experience anger, do you typically view it as a problem to eliminate or as information to explore? How might shifting your perspective change your relationship with your own emotional experiences?
- The chapter suggests that anger often emerges when individuals have difficulty expressing more vulnerable emotions like fear, sadness, or need. Can you identify situations in your life where anger might be masking these feelings, and how might acknowledging the underlying emotions change your responses?
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