We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions

Chapter 13 advocates for approaching sexuality with a “beginner’s mind,” free from societal expectations and choreographed behaviors. Through discussions with experts like Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski, and Vanessa Marin, the authors present sexuality as something much broader than the physical act of sex: It encompasses connection, pleasure, aliveness, curiosity, and playfulness.

The chapter challenges conventional metrics of sexual health, particularly the focus on frequency, and redirects attention toward pleasure as the primary barometer. This framing echoes an ongoing shift from historical approaches to women’s sexuality, which have traditionally ignored female pleasure. By centering pleasure rather than performance or obligation, the text aligns with feminist discourse on reclaiming women’s bodies and desires from patriarchal frameworks that have long commodified female sexuality.

The authors explain key concepts about sexual desire, distinguishing between spontaneous desire (which begins in the mind) and responsive desire (which begins in the body). This distinction provides context for why individuals may experience desire differently, which normalizes experiences that might otherwise cause feelings of inadequacy. The chapter also introduces the dual-control model of sexuality, which compares sexual desire to a car’s accelerator and brake system. “Accelerators” are factors that enhance sexual desire (such as feeling confident, experiencing non-demanding affection, or being in a relaxing environment), while “brakes” are factors that inhibit it (such as stress, body shame, distracting thoughts, or relationship conflicts).