59 pages • 1-hour read
We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions
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Chapters 5-8Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of gender discrimination and addiction.
Chapter 5 Summary & Analysis: “How Do I Figure Out What I Want?”
Chapter 5 explores the fundamental challenge of identifying personal desires in a world that often disconnects individuals from their authentic needs. The authors examine how societal expectations and conditioning—particularly for women—create barriers to accessing genuine wants and needs. The chapter presents intuition as a reliable internal compass, describing it not as mystical but as a scientifically studied process that “operates through the entire right side of the brain and through [the] gut” (115). While this simplified neurological explanation doesn’t fully align with current neuroscience (which shows decision-making involves complex networks across both brain hemispheres), the authors’ emphasis on bodily sensations connects with research on embodied cognition, a field that emerged in the late 20th century that examines how physical states influence thought processes.
The authors offer multiple practical approaches to reconnecting with personal desires. These include experimenting with new possibilities, listening to bodily sensations, paying attention to negative emotions as data points, using imagination as a guide, and creating physical distance from distractions. Their discussion of experimentation acknowledges the continuous nature of self-discovery, positioning authenticity not as a fixed destination but as an ongoing orientation. This perspective reflects contemporary psychological understandings of identity as fluid rather than static.
A significant cultural critique emerges in the chapter’s exploration of gendered socialization patterns. The authors note how women are often trained to look outward for permission and consensus rather than inward for desire. This sociological observation connects to broader feminist discourse about the impact of gender conditioning on autonomy and self-awareness. The chapter also implicitly challenges the capitalist commodification of human needs, noting how marketing often exploits genuine desires for rest, joy, and peace by offering commercial substitutes, which resonates with critical consumer culture scholarship.
Chapter Lessons
- Intuition, when properly accessed, is a reliable internal guidance system that can help individuals identify their authentic wants and needs.
- Negative emotions such as resentment, jealousy, and anxiety serve as valuable data points that can reveal underlying unmet needs and genuine desires when examined thoughtfully.
- Societal conditioning, particularly for women, trains individuals to seek external validation rather than internal guidance, making conscious effort necessary when one is reconnecting with personal desires.
- Practical approaches to discovering authentic wants include experimenting with new possibilities, listening to bodily sensations, paying attention to negative emotions, using one’s imagination, and creating space for reflection away from distractions.
Reflection Questions
- When have you experienced a situation where your intuition or “gut feeling” guided you toward a decision that later proved significant in your life? How might you strengthen your connection to this inner guidance system?
- Which of the chapter’s practical approaches to discovering desires (experimenting, body awareness, attention to negative emotions, imagination, or creating space) resonates most with you, and how might you implement it to uncover what you truly want in an area of current uncertainty?
Chapter 6 Summary & Analysis: “How Do I Know What to Do?”
Chapter 6 discusses the challenge of decision-making and finding one’s authentic path amid external pressures and expectations. The authors address the anxiety many feel when facing life’s countless choices—from career paths to relationships—by emphasizing the importance of inner wisdom over external validation.
The chapter outlines several approaches to reconnecting with personal intuition. The authors suggest that true wisdom comes from quieting external voices and tuning into bodily sensations, which often manifest as feelings of warmth, peace, or alignment when one is on the right path. This perspective aligns with mindfulness movements that prioritize somatic awareness over purely rational decision-making processes. The authors contextualize this approach within the particular challenges women face, noting the “double bind” where societal expectations create no-win situations: For instance, as Wharton School faculty member Mori Taheripour points out, a mother who returns to work quickly after childbirth may be labeled irresponsible, while one who takes extended leave might face career penalties.
The text challenges conventional notions of “right” and “wrong” decisions, suggesting that these concepts are contextual rather than objective and often serve as tools to maintain social conformity. Instead of consensus-seeking, which the authors frame as surrendering personal agency, they advocate for what feels personally authentic. This perspective reflects contemporary self-help literature’s emphasis on individual authenticity over collective approval, though it lacks discussion of potential tensions between personal desires and responsibilities to others. The authors present several practical approaches to reconnecting with intuition, including making lists to clarify one’s values, practicing small decisions to build self-trust, and using visualization techniques to distinguish between fear of difficulty (which might be worth overcoming) and genuine aversion (which signals a poor fit). Glennon Doyle and Abbi Jacobson draw advice from improv theater: They suggest that overthinking hinders authentic action and that one should embrace discomfort as a catalyst for necessary life changes, rather than seeking to numb it.
Chapter Lessons
- Authentic decision-making requires distinguishing between internal wisdom and external pressure; bodily sensations like warmth, peace, and alignment signal one’s true path.
- When longing and fear conflict, prioritizing longing leads to more fulfilling choices. The “edge” of discomfort contains valuable instructions for necessary life changes.
- Building self-trust begins with small decisions; practicing choice-making in low-stakes situations develops the confidence needed for larger life decisions.
- Every choice represents “quitting” something—either the current situation or the alternative path. Decision-making means choosing which option one is willing to release.
Reflection Questions
- In what areas of life do you typically seek external validation before making decisions? As sociologist Martha Beck puts it, how might practicing “coming to your senses” rather than “coming to consensus” change your decision-making process? (137)
- Consider a recent difficult decision: How did your body respond to different options? What physical sensations of warmth, peace, or alignment did you notice, and how might you better attune to these signals in future decisions?
Chapter 7 Summary & Analysis: “How Do I Do the Hard Thing?”
Chapter 7 explores the paradox of why individuals often choose long-term suffering over short-term pain when facing difficult decisions. The authors examine the psychological barriers that prevent people from taking necessary but challenging actions in their lives. Through conversations with various contributors including Sonya Renee Taylor, Cheryl Strayed (author of Wild), author Jen Hatmaker, social worker Nedra Glover Tawwab (author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace), social worker Brené Brown (author of The Gifts of Imperfection), and others, the chapter illuminates several pathways to overcoming these barriers.
The chapter establishes that most suffering begins because individuals avoid confronting a single difficult truth or action that requires attention. This avoidance manifests in remaining in unfulfilling relationships, unsatisfying careers, or toxic friendships to escape the temporary discomfort of change. Sonya Renee Taylor identifies the “right kind of hard” by asking, “[A]m I closer toward my own revelation of my divinity than I was before I started?” (150). Through this, she identifies difficulty that moves her toward liberation rather than stagnation.
Truth-telling emerges as the first essential component of doing hard things. The authors challenge the cultural narrative that truth is dangerous, arguing instead that lies inevitably lead to harm. This perspective is consistent with broader social movements promoting authenticity and transparency in personal expression; for instance, both the LGBTQ+ rights movement and the neurodiversity movement stress the damage that comes of having to hide a part of one’s identity. The chapter suggests that psychological misalignment—when one’s external life differs from one’s internal truth—creates the deepest suffering. This observation recalls the well-documented psychological phenomenon of cognitive dissonance, lending credence to the text’s claims.
Boundary-setting represents another crucial aspect of doing hard things. The chapter frames boundaries as expressed needs rather than barriers. The authors acknowledge that the most challenging aspect of boundary-setting is not the initial communication but withstanding the discomfort of others’ reactions. This insight reflects contemporary psychological understanding of interpersonal dynamics and emotional regulation. The discussion includes concrete examples and scripts for expressing boundaries effectively, making this section particularly actionable for readers. The chapter also offers practical strategies for managing the guilt that often follows boundary-setting, such as keeping a log of boundaries and associated feelings to recognize patterns over time.
The authors also address the misconception that “right” decisions eliminate pain, suggesting that even the best choices involve grief and loss. This nuanced approach to decision-making challenges simplistic narratives about personal growth found in many self-help texts. The chapter discusses the grieving process inherent in change, normalizing the experience of pain within transformation rather than treating it as evidence of poor decision-making.
Finally, the chapter explores recovery as a metaphor for all difficult transitions, whether from addiction or dysfunctional relationships. This section emphasizes that recovery requires faith in a future self who can live differently, despite current limitations. The transformation process includes painful “withdrawal” periods followed by the emergence of a new identity. This recovery framework provides readers with a roadmap for navigating any significant life change, emphasizing both the difficulty and the reward of personal evolution.
Chapter Lessons
- Truth-telling serves as the foundation for facing difficult challenges, as maintaining lies does more harm than the temporary discomfort of honesty, even when cultural conditioning suggests otherwise.
- Setting and maintaining boundaries requires both clear communication of needs and the emotional resilience to withstand others’ responses without capitulating or over-explaining.
- Pain accompanying significant life decisions does not necessarily indicate regret or wrong choices; grief and loss are natural components of change rather than signs of error.
- Recovery from any unhealthy pattern requires faith in a future self not yet formed, followed by withdrawal and the gradual emergence of a new identity worthy of the difficult transition.
Reflection Questions
- Think about a situation where you might be choosing long-term suffering over short-term pain. What specific truth needs to be acknowledged, and what boundary needs to be established to move toward your own liberation?
- The chapter discusses the concept of becoming a “new self” through difficult transitions. What aspects of your current identity might need to evolve or transform to help you navigate a challenging situation in your life, and how might you begin cultivating that future self today?
Chapter 8 Summary & Analysis: “How Do I Let Go?”
Glennon Doyle opens this chapter with a candid admission about her difficulty with releasing past hurts, setting the stage for an examination of surrender as a path to freedom. The chapter presents letting go not as a single act but as a continuous practice manifested in different areas: releasing perfectionism, abandoning the illusion of control, ending relationships, accepting ambiguity, and facing mortality.
A recurring idea is the relationship between control and love. Glennon Doyle suggests that individuals cannot simultaneously love and control others, positioning these impulses as fundamentally incompatible. Like other works that examine control in the context of relationships (for example, Yung Pueblo’s How to Love Better) this one suggests that control often stems from fear—particularly fear of death and loss—rather than genuine care. This insight contextualizes controlling behaviors within a broader human tendency to resist impermanence, reflecting contemporary Western societal patterns of avoiding frank discussions about mortality.
The chapter challenges conventional perspectives on endings, framing them not as failures but as essential components of a creative life. By repositioning endings as potentially wise and brave decisions, the authors counter cultural narratives that exclusively celebrate beginnings and frame “quitting” negatively. Through personal examples, including Abby Wambach’s experience leaving professional soccer, the chapter illustrates how endings can paradoxically create space for new beginnings.
The authors’ approach to letting go balances psychological depth with practical application. While acknowledging the difficulty of surrender, they provide concrete strategies such as creating personal to-do lists that separate controllable concerns from uncontrollable ones. This pragmatic element strengthens the chapter’s relevance, transforming philosophical concepts, particularly from traditions like Buddhism, into actionable practices.
Chapter Lessons
- Surrender involves grieving what cannot be controlled—accepting reality, oneself, and others as they are rather than as one wishes them to be, which paradoxically leads to greater peace and freedom.
- The compulsion to control often manifests as perfectionism and performance, creating a barrier to genuine connection and presence with loved ones.
- Effective letting go requires distinguishing between what belongs to oneself and what belongs to others—whether emotions, responsibilities, or life paths—allowing for boundaries that honor autonomy.
- Endings, including life transitions and the end of relationships, deserve celebration rather than shame; endings can be necessary and wise choices rather than failures.
Reflection Questions
- In what areas of life might excessive control be preventing you from experiencing genuine connection? Consider how letting go of perfectionism or performance in these areas might create space for more authentic presence.
- Which items would appear on your “uncontrollable concerns” list versus your “personal responsibilities” list? How might distinguishing between these two categories affect your daily stress levels and sense of peace?
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