We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions

Chapter 10 explores how individuals can develop a healthier relationship with their bodies by examining societal messages about beauty standards and recognizing the power of embodiment. The chapter features multiple voices sharing personal experiences of body shame, disconnection, and their journeys toward body peace. The overall message is that body dissatisfaction stems not from inherent flaws but from cultural conditioning designed to maintain systems of control and profit.

The narratives reveal how body shame often begins in childhood as comments from family members, teachers, or peers create lasting disconnection. For many wayfinders, this disconnection manifests as dissociation—a protective mechanism that allows individuals to survive difficult experiences by separating consciousness from physical sensations. While this dissociation serves as a survival mechanism during trauma, healing involves reconnecting with bodily sensations and needs.

The chapter critically examines beauty standards through historical and economic contexts. For instance, it deconstructs the Body Mass Index (BMI) as a flawed metric originally developed using data from white European men in the 1800s and later appropriated by insurance companies as a pricing tool rather than as a valid health measure. This contextual analysis highlights how beauty standards are not universal truths but rather constructed norms that serve economic and political interests. Furthermore, the chapter draws connections between body control and larger systems of oppression, noting how religious messages about distrusting one’s body have historically served to control populations, particularly enslaved people.

The personal narratives throughout the chapter demonstrate the emotional and psychological toll of pursuing unattainable beauty standards, especially for those whose bodies are further marginalized by race, disability, or sexuality. This contextualization of beauty standards as tools of oppression reframes bodily self-acceptance as resistance against systems designed to profit from insecurity and self-hatred. Though the chapter does not focus exclusively on women, this central idea borrows significantly from feminist discourse, including works like Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth. 

Chapter Lessons

• Body shame is not innate but learned through cultural conditioning designed to maintain systems of control and profit, which means individuals can unlearn harmful messages through conscious effort.
• Making peace with one’s body involves developing self-trust and embodiment rather than replacing one set of rigid beauty rules with another set of equally strict anti-beauty rules.
• Shifting focus from “What do I look like?” to “What do I like?” allows individuals to experience their bodies as instruments for living rather than projects requiring constant improvement (243).
• Cultivating a regular practice of embodiment—paying attention to physical sensations, needs, and responses—builds the capacity to recognize and honor one’s authentic self rather than external expectations.

Reflection Questions

• What messages about your body did you internalize during childhood, and how might recognizing the source of these messages help you challenge their validity today?
• In what specific ways do you control rather than trust your body, and what might change if you approached these areas with curiosity and compassion instead?

Chapter 11 explores authentic friendship, offering practical guidance on both forming and maintaining meaningful connections. The chapter centers on the fundamental idea that genuine friendships require vulnerability, intentional effort, and openness to being seen fully by others. Through multiple personal anecdotes and expert perspectives, the text illuminates how individuals often avoid deep connections due to fear of rejection or the discomfort of showing imperfection.

The authors present friendship not as a luxury for those with excess time and energy, but rather as an essential source of vitality, support, and joy. This perspective challenges the narrative, common in contemporary Western cultures, that portrays independence and self-sufficiency as aspirational states. Instead, the chapter positions interdependence and connection as foundational to human flourishing, aligning with contemporary psychological research on the necessity of social bonds for mental health and resilience. Author and speaker Luvvie Ajayi Jones’s discussion of friendship as a “lifeline” for Black women contextualizes how societal factors can shape the significance of friendship across different communities, highlighting that for marginalized groups, strong social bonds have historically been not just emotionally fulfilling but essential for survival.

The chapter directly confronts the fear many people have about initiating friendships, encouraging them to take the first step despite the risk of rejection. This advice is particularly relevant in a 21st-century context, when many people substitute digital interactions for in-person connections. According to the authors, reaching out actively to potential friends helps combat the growing problem of social isolation, which the COVID-19 pandemic accelerated but did not create. They distinguish between “packaged vulnerability” (sharing only past problems that have already been solved) and genuine openness (revealing current struggles). This distinction highlights how social media often promotes surface-level sharing that creates a false sense of connection. By contrast, meaningful friendships require sharing real-time difficulties and imperfections.

Throughout the chapter, practical strategies for friendship maintenance are interwoven with philosophical reflections on human connection. Dr. Marisa Franco, referencing the terminology of psychoanalyst Virginia Goldner, introduces the concepts of “dynamic safety” and “flaccid safety” in friendships. “Flaccid safety” refers to relationships in which people avoid addressing problems to maintain a false sense of harmony. In contrast, “dynamic safety” develops when friends are willing to have difficult conversations about issues between them. The authors explain that avoiding conflicts prevents deep connection, while respectfully addressing problems (which one of Amanda Doyle’s friends refers to as “carefrontations”) builds stronger, more authentic relationships over time. The idea that conflict can be useful is not new to the self-help genre but often appears in connection with romantic or professional relationships, as in Kim Scott’s Radical Candor. By emphasizing both the effort required to maintain friendships and the tremendous value they provide, the chapter presents a case for prioritizing these relationships despite the challenges of modern life.

Chapter Lessons

• Authentic friendship requires vulnerability and a willingness to share current struggles rather than only presenting “packaged vulnerability” of past, resolved difficulties.
• Friendship is not a luxury for those with excess time and energy but rather an essential source of vitality that provides the energy needed to navigate life’s challenges.
• Taking the initiative to show interest in others and being brave enough to risk rejection are fundamental to forming new connections, as people are naturally drawn to those who show genuine interest in them.
• Maintaining meaningful friendships requires addressing difficulties directly through “carefrontations” rather than avoiding conflict, as working through ruptures builds deeper trust and intimacy.

Reflection Questions

• Think about your current approach to vulnerability in friendships. Do you primarily share “packaged vulnerability” (past resolved issues), or do you allow friends to see your current struggles? How might sharing more authentically affect the depth of your connections?
• Consider a time when you felt left out or disconnected from others. How did you respond to those feelings, and what different approaches from this chapter might help you navigate similar situations in the future?