We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions

Chapter 9 discusses grief and the process of continuing life after significant loss. The chapter’s central argument revolves around the seemingly impossible yet inevitable human capacity to bear the unbearable. Through multiple personal accounts of loss—including sibling death, parental death, paralysis, and fertility struggles—the authors collectively demonstrate that moving forward does not mean eliminating grief but rather learning to carry it.

The chapter consistently rejects prescriptive approaches to grief. Various contributors emphasize that grief manifests uniquely for each individual, appearing as fiery anger for some, vibrant aliveness for others, or waves of varying intensity. This perspective aligns with contemporary psychological understanding, which has moved away from the “stages of grief” model first developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross toward recognizing grief’s deeply personal and nonlinear nature. The authors’ emphasis on permission to grieve in one’s own way also represents a broader cultural shift toward more compassionate and individualized approaches to emotional processing.

The chapter also explores the transformative potential within grief, suggesting that profound loss can serve as a portal to deeper self-understanding and reprioritization. This framing of grief offers a balanced perspective that neither minimizes suffering nor strips it of meaning. Several contributors describe finding ways to maintain ongoing relationships with deceased loved ones, reflecting contemporary grief theory’s movement away from the concept of “moving on” toward models of “continuing bonds” with the deceased.