We Can Do Hard Things: Answers to Life's 20 Questions

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of substance use and gender discrimination.

The authors challenge the self-help industry’s focus on acquisition by positioning authenticity as a process of removing societal barriers rather than adding new skills or qualities. They argue that individuals should stop trying to improve themselves and start uncovering who they already are. Behavioral patterns develop through childhood experiences, family roles, and cultural conditioning, but these scripts aren’t one’s true identity. To uncover the latter, people can begin by identifying which family role they adopted (hero, scapegoat, peacekeeper, etc.) and noticing how it still influences their behavior today. For example, someone who became “the achiever” to earn love might question whether their current career ambitions reflect genuine desires or old programming. Across the board, people can practice saying no to commitments that feel obligatory but meaningless while creating space in their schedules for activities that bring natural joy without external validation. A good rule of thumb when making decisions is to ask whether this aligns with who you are becoming rather than whether this will make you better. This shift from self-improvement to self-discovery leads to sustainable fulfillment because one is working with one’s inherent nature rather than against it.