While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence

Jean Kissinger was Kissinger’s mother and Holmer’s wife. She came from a wealthy family, unlike Holmer. Although she and Holmer appeared to be opposites, illustrated by Holmer’s extravagant moods and Jean’s more reserved nature, they both experienced loss growing up and relied on alcohol to self-medicate. Jean’s life was circumscribed by the Catholic church, which promoted women as wives and mothers above all. Jean had eight children, and Kissinger believes that Jean’s depression became more severe with each subsequent child that was born, causing her to abdicate some parenting responsibilities. This neglect was exacerbated by her occasional absences from the family home, the cause of which was never explained to Kissinger and her siblings. Jean’s story illustrates the dangers of concealing pain, a habit taught to her children as well, who learned not to discuss their feelings through her example.

Jean had anxiety and depression and was heavily medicated much of the time. Later in life, Kissinger realized that because Jean had combined this medication with alcohol misuse, she forgot most of her parenting experiences when she got older. Jean did most of the parenting on her own while Holmer was away at work and was exhausted much of the time. In the narrative, Kissinger explores Jean’s relationship with her children, feeling that though she loved them, she viewed them as more of a burden and a liability than anything else. She even states her belief that if Jean “had gotten her way, [Kissinger’s] siblings and [she] would have never been born” (17). Through Jean, Kissinger explores the way that mental illness resonates beyond the person who has it to the various people in their life. 

Kissinger wrestled with resentment toward her mother over the years, particularly with regard to Jean’s drinking: “In a battle between the well-being of her family and her precious alcohol, my mother chose to drink” (125). Over the course of her journey to understand mental illness, Kissinger came to terms with her relationship with Jean, forgiving her for her shortcomings as a mother, as well as for leaving Nancy with Molly on the day she died.

Bill (known as Holmer to his children) Kissinger was Kissinger’s father and Jean’s wife. Holmer had undiagnosed bipolar disorder, alcohol use disorder, and a tendency toward physical and verbal abuse. His mood was either extremely giddy and sociable or angry, and he was known as Wild Bill growing up. He impulsively hit his children for small errors but also always showed up to their sporting events and performances. Kissinger reflects on Holmer’s dualistic nature, noting, “I don’t think he meant to hurt us. He just didn’t know how not to” (15). When Holmer was young, his brother died while training to become a pilot for the war, and Kissinger theorizes that Holmer likely never processed this loss. He came from an impoverished family, and Kissinger believes this was the reason behind his desire to spend money and own extravagant things in adulthood.

During Kissinger’s childhood, Holmer sold advertising space for pharmaceutical companies and made a great deal of money: “The Holmer of that era seemed to all the world like he held the keys to the kingdom in his back pocket, and, if you were lucky, he’d let you in, too. His go-go can-do spirit intoxicated nearly everyone he met, particularly his customers” (45). Kissinger points out the irony in his selling the same drugs that were prescribed for Jean. When Holmer got older, he joined AA and, true to his personality, accepted his recovery wholeheartedly and exuberantly. While he remained emotional and moody at times, overall Holmer became more stable and predictable. He had a dark sense of humor; for instance, he called his wife Lazarus after she attempted to die by suicide “because, he said, just like the Biblical character, she had come back from the dead” (162). Holmer, like Jean, illustrates both the personal challenges of a mental health condition and the way it resonates through his loved ones’ lives.

Mary Kay was the eldest child in the Kissinger family. Like her siblings, she was rebellious growing up but was also expected to take care of her siblings. Kissinger looked up to Mary Kay because she was artsy, elegant, and beautiful. When Mary Kay was a teenager and still a new driver, she flipped the family convertible and was injured, one of many incidents caused by a lack of parental supervision and concern. Kissinger always saw Mary Kay as strong and together, but in adulthood, she told Meg about a period in college when she considered dying by suicide. Mary Kay had an abortion when she was young and, because of her connection to the Catholic Church, continued to feel guilt and shame about that decision. Kissinger did not know any of this growing up, illustrating the dangers of concealing pain and the distance it creates between family members. As an adult, Mary Kay works as an artist, true to her love of all things aesthetic.

Kissinger’s older sister Nancy was beautiful, sneaky, and often vengeful. Kissinger calls her “the scamp” of the family because she was always messing with her siblings. Although Nancy was antagonistic, Kissinger still looked up to her because she was intelligent, witty, and unabashedly herself. When Nancy’s mental illness became more severe, she became increasingly volatile and attempted to die by suicide several times. At the time, Kissinger resented Nancy for how her actions affected the family and never offered her the support that now, looking back, she wishes she had. When Nancy awoke after her first suicide attempt, Kissinger says that “she started to cry, not because she nearly died but because she didn’t” (79). With the clarity and wisdom of age and experience, Kissinger looks back on these moments as signs of the need for intervention. In the book, Kissinger uses Nancy’s example to illustrate why humanizing mental illness and improving care for people with severe mental illnesses is such a necessary step toward the betterment of American society. The first time that Kissinger wrote about mental illness, was inspired by Nancy, who “was beautiful and horrible and hilarious and vicious as hell. She was [Kissinger’s] sister, and [Kissinger] loved her” (155). Writing about Nancy was Kissinger’s first step in her journalistic journey to create awareness about mental health.

Patty Kissinger is closest in age to Kissinger and her closest sibling growing up. Kissinger considered Patty her “wingman” and was always jealous of Patty’s beautiful curly hair. She remembers childhood Patty as adventurous and eager to please and reflects that they became even closer when they were sent to live with a cousin, which Kissinger later learned was due to Jean’s mental illness. As Kissinger and Patty grew up, they became distant for a time but reunited in adulthood and are now very close. Patty believes that “[t]he less stigma there is in talking about [suicide], the healthier we will be” (288). After traveling the world, Patty began a career in medicine, hopeful about a brighter future for mental health.

Jake is the eldest boy in the Kissinger family. Kissinger describes him as highly particular, efficient, and fair, although he was bullied often. Expectations for Jake’s future were high: His parents wanted him to become a doctor, while his grandmother wanted him to be a priest. In university, however, Jake floundered and was exhausted by the stress of trying to keep up. Through his challenges, Kissinger highlights the progress of mental health accommodation, as Jake needed extra writing support, but no such thing existed at the time. His story also highlights the dangers of concealing pain, as he hid his depression from the family.

Jake found Danny in the basement after he died, and later, was forced to move into the same basement. Characteristically, he rarely spoke about that day, but Kissinger believes he had post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result. Today, Jake continues to rely on family support, as his depression often saps him of the energy to complete basic tasks. With Jake’s story, Kissinger highlights the importance of support. Her search for a group home for him also led her to discover and expose, through her articles, the horrific living conditions in supportive housing in Milwaukee.

Billy Kissinger is the third youngest child in the Kissinger family and, according to Kissinger, the most headstrong and mischievous. As a child, Billy was wild and unpredictable like his father, whom he was named after. He was known to wander off and get lost frequently as a child, another way that Kissinger highlights the neglect the Kissinger children faced. Billy was also a strong athlete, and Danny, his younger brother, always felt as if he was in competition. Billy is mentioned little in Kissinger’s memoir in comparison to her other siblings, but she admired her brother’s strength and vigor. In adulthood, Billy found healing through music and continued to keep in close touch with his siblings.

Danny Kissinger was the youngest boy in the family, with a crooked smile, a mischievous personality, and a strong desire to please others. Danny lived in his older brother Billy’s shadow and felt inadequate and unwanted. However, he didn’t share these feelings and serves as another example of the dangers of concealing pain. As an adult, Danny made a series of poor choices that cost him his dignity and affected his mental health. He harassed people, including his customers and a Jewish man who worked on his car, and media coverage led to embarrassment and paranoia. 

Despite Danny’s mistakes, Kissinger’s love for her brother is clear in how much of her memoir is spent discussing his life and the series of events that led to his death by suicide. However, her depiction of their relationship also shows how she wasn’t always available to him—she couldn’t bring herself to discuss his dark thoughts and was unsure what to say. Kissinger uses her relationship with Danny to illustrate how she didn’t always have the resources to support her family members. When Danny was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he was heavily medicated but died by suicide a few weeks later. Danny’s death was a major inspiration for Kissinger’s decision to spend her professional career writing about humanizing mental illness and improving care because she will always wonder if more could have been done to help Danny.

Molly Kissinger is the youngest daughter in the Kissinger family. By the time Molly was born, Kissinger’s parents were exhausted and little fanfare surrounded Molly’s birth. When Molly was 13, Jean made her responsible for watching Nancy after the latter attempted to die by suicide. Nancy escaped Molly’s care and died by suicide that day. Although Molly isn’t a major character, her struggle to move on from the guilt and shame the incident created illustrates the complex and painful repercussions that mental illness created in the family. Thankfully, Molly was able to reflect on that day with a healthy perspective, realizing that she should not have been left to care for Nancy. Molly doesn’t appear often in the memoir because she grew up and left for the mountains and ocean, using nature as a source of calm and healing after a difficult childhood.