While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence

Over the next few years, Holmer and his wife lived a life of excess and accumulated massive debt. When Holmer called Meg, frantic over his uncontrolled spending, his wife would interrupt, and Meg never was able to talk to her father properly. Holmer’s wife accused Meg of having romantic feelings for her father and told Meg to keep her distance. She donated the family’s photos to a yard sale, and Meg’s relationship with Holmer suffered. At one point, Meg attempted to see a therapist, but after a single session, she found it too rattling and unproductive to analyze her past in such detail.

When Holmer and his wife could no longer afford to support Jake, Jake was forced to move into a group home for people with mental illness. After seeing the unsafe conditions and talking to local case managers, Meg discovered problems ranging from faulty plumbing to infestations and safety hazards. The more Meg saw, the more she knew something had to be done to improve the situation. One day, Meg was leaving a group home that she considered the worst she had ever seen and met an outspoken woman about Nancy’s age. As it turned out, the woman, Georgia, grew up in the same suburb as Meg, and they became fast friends. Georgia always reminded Meg of Nancy, and when Georgia died several years later, Meg was there to say her goodbyes.

At work, Meg wrote articles about the conditions at group homes and shelters, as well as a story about Georgia’s experiences of living in these places. The continuous attention eventually persuaded the mayor and county executive to build 1,000 new housing units. Around the same time, Meg had a routine mammogram and was informed that she likely had breast cancer but would need a biopsy. She considered the possibility of death and knew she was nowhere near ready, as she still had so much to live for.

While Meg underwent chemotherapy for her breast cancer, she felt weak and sullen. However, she was invigorated by a story she covered with a woman named Susanne on the harms of BPA chemicals and the political deals that fueled this problem. At the same time, Holmer borrowed Jake’s credit card, which Meg fumed about but had no control over. Meg’s breast cancer was cured, but she knew there was always a possibility it would return. When a report was released detailing the sexual abuse of patients in the Milwaukee County Mental Health Complex, it renewed Meg’s sense of urgency to expose and improve the conditions that people with serious mental illnesses live with.

Holmer was diagnosed with melanoma, which he fought for two years before dying. Holmer’s wife reluctantly called Meg and her other siblings to visit Holmer when he was nearing death. They all met at the hospital at the same time. Holmer looked fragile and could barely speak, a stark contrast to his usual boisterous personality. Meg and her siblings sang for their father and said their goodbyes, and he died shortly after. Some ashes were given to Holmer’s wife, and some were buried in the plot next to Jean. Meg and her siblings realized that both their parents were now gone. Jake, however, experienced severe loneliness afterward.

Jake’s mental health was in decline, and his caseworker told Meg that he was asking to live with family. She considered it, but complications around his disability benefits and his personal ties to Chicago prevented it from being a logical solution. Meg didn’t want to ignore Jake, however, so she was relieved when a trip to Mexico with Meg’s and Molly’s families lifted his spirits. Meg recalled a man named Jim, whose mental illness made it difficult for him to leave home. He died from an untreated bladder infection, and while Meg writing his story did inform others, she realized that it wasn’t enough to inspire compassion and understanding. After Holmer’s second wife died and sold off almost all the family possessions, Meg felt broken but grateful to still have her siblings. She realized that to heal from her past, she would need to dissect and write about her own life instead of just telling the stories of others.