Wild Side

“Crying won’t see me through this job. Since we got the call last night, everyone around me has been crying. I can’t start too. If I start, I worry I won’t know how to stop. Then shit won’t get done. And that’s my job right now.”

Tabitha uses short, declarative sentences to present a steely exterior. She refuses to let herself cry over her sister’s death because she’s accustomed to being strong for others. She feels responsible for her family and assumes the role of the unemotional caretaker both for her parents’ and nephew’s sake and for her own self-preservation. The passage shows Tabitha’s particular way of Navigating Grief and Loss at the novel’s start.

“I love my sister, and having to stand here and endure you implying otherwise is, quite frankly, almost worse than the pain of her death. Especially when it’s your fault. She wouldn’t have been out on the street getting back into that shit if you hadn’t evicted her.”

Tabitha’s tone conveys her anger toward Rhys and heightens the tension between the two love interests. Despite Tabitha’s physical attraction to Rhys, her frustration with him about Erika’s death trumps her sexual desire. Blaming Rhys also allows Tabitha to avoid admitting her own role in Erika’s death and confronting her sadness and guilt. Tabitha’s lines of dialogue establish her as a self-possessed, defensive, and fiery character.

“Because those stories Erika told me made me so sure that Milo needed me. Those stories tapped into a place deep inside me that I’m not sure I ever recognized—or I just didn’t want to. All I know is that I spent my childhood in the system, passed from foster home to foster home, and I won’t be letting the same thing happen to Milo. Over my dead body.”

This passage touches on Developing Family and Community Relationships. Rhys’s investment in Milo’s future is inspired by his own traumatic past. His first-person narrative provides insight into the complex facets of his interiority. He isn’t ready to admit the connection he feels to Milo to Tabitha, but he is privately acknowledging the similarities he sees between himself and Erika’s son. Investing in Milo offers Rhys the chance to build his own family.

“I wish she were here. I wish she were here so that I could ream her out and then hug her so fucking hard that it might even hurt a bit. What kind of person does that make me? I avoid thinking about it all too much because it makes me so damn anxious, and truthfully, it’s all just a little too painful for me to face head-on right now.”

Tabitha’s internal monologue reiterates the complicated emotions she feels while grieving. Tabitha feels anger, longing, and anxiety over her sister’s death. This is underscored by the repetition of “I wish.” However, she isn’t ready “to face” these emotions “head-on” at this juncture of the novel. The passage reveals Tabitha’s emotionally avoidant tendencies; she isn’t used to confiding in others about what she feels and how she experiences the world.

“I don’t respond. I don’t owe her an explanation. Years of learning to hide things and keep shit to myself in the foster system have become a way of life for me even as an adult. It’s a tough habit to break, and I’m not even sure I want to. Sharing too much always backfires. People always end up wanting something. Namely money.”

This passage explores Identity and Trust in Intimate Relationships. Rhys’s reflections on his past and relationship with Tabitha heighten the narrative tension. Rhys has secrets about himself he’s afraid of sharing, even after he and Tabitha become involved in each other’s lives. His hesitancy to share prevents him and Tabitha from investing in each other. Rhys is withholding because he’s afraid of intimacy and abandonment. Once Rhys learns to trust Tabitha with his true self, they establish a healthy connection.

“It strikes me that she appears gaunt, leaner than I remember her from that first day she sauntered into my house. Having grieved my fair share in this life, I know this is anger. Grieving something that never was and never will be is a special sort of hell. Tabitha is angry. Deep down, she’s even angry with herself—which is a hard fucking pill to swallow. I can empathize.”

Rhys’s attunement to Tabitha illustrates his caring, empathetic, and insightful nature. He notices that Tabitha has lost weight and understands that her anger masks grief over Erika’s death. He uses clear, concise language while observing Tabitha, which is reflective of his voice and how he relates to her emotional experience. His internal monologue proves that Rhys is a good person, and reveals some of the challenges associated with navigating grief and loss.

“It’s the way he carries himself. There’s something…I don’t know, ominous about him? I blame the fact that I’ve been too busy to have sex for some time now for the way my core clenches. How fucked up do I have to be to get all horny over a man who is here to make my life miserable and looks at me like he wants to kill me?”

Tabitha’s response to Rhys heightens the tension of their enemies-to-lovers dynamic. Tabitha is intrigued by Rhys’s “ominous” figure and has a physiological response to being around him—her “core clenches” and she “gets all horny.” These responses show that Tabitha is attracted to Rhys in spite of her frustrations with him. The passage foreshadows how their enmity will develop into love.

“This woman. She never backs down. Every time she pushes me, I just want to push back. Too much pushing and we’re going to break something. I drop one hand to her hip, meeting her challenge as I tug her closer.”

Rhys and Tabitha’s relationship is defined by sexual tension. Rhys’s references to “backing down,” “pushing,” “pushing back,” and “breaking something” evoke notions of a physical battle. This language captures the intense heat between Rhys and Tabitha, which in turn heightens the narrative tension.

“The idea of being alone with my thoughts, with my guilt, with my grief—it’s just too much. And there’s something about the word forever that sparks an idea in my head. […] Which is why I blurt out my totally absurd idea before I can think it through with my usual level of care. ‘Marry me.’”

Tabitha’s decision to ask Rhys to marry her marks a turning point in the narrative, as well as in her character. In a rare moment of impulsivity, Tabitha changes the course of her life. She is acting out of her desire and need, rather than obsessively calculating her next steps. Doing so ultimately brings the couple closer together, and helps them to build a deeper intimate relationship and develop a new family structure.

“Still, the dishonesty of the day sits heavy in my stomach. The deception of it all has kept me up the last few nights, along with the knowledge that my husband-to-be is sleeping down in a dank concrete basement. He’s never once complained. And yet, it bothers me more than it ever has. At first, I felt as though Rhys belonged down there, but now…now I’m not so sure.”

Tabitha’s reflections on her and Rhys’s living situation convey the evolution of their relationship. The image of the “dank concrete basement” conjures notions of punishment and exile, which Tabitha admits she once believed Rhys deserved. In the narrative present, however, Tabitha is “not so sure” she wants Rhys to keep staying in the basement, as she realizes Rhys isn’t the evil, selfish person she once thought he was. The passage shows how Tabitha’s regard for Rhys is changing and foreshadows developments in their dynamic.

“I’m not sure what’s got him looking so surly. Maybe he just realized he’s officially stuck with me, and a three-year-old, and a cat I adopted mostly just to piss him off. Still, I can’t help but wonder if he’s as confused by this ceremony as I am. Because yes, I’ve kissed plenty of men. But none of them have felt like that.”

Tabitha’s internal monologue during her wedding ceremony reveals how she and Rhys are changing as individuals and as a couple. Tabitha may not be able to read Rhys’s “surly” expression, but she is able to feel the passion behind Rhys’s kiss. The moment suggests that physical intimacy is as deep and revealing as emotional intimacy.

“His soul—it’s a good one. And I don’t want to be another leech. I can’t promise him that I won’t crack some jokes about this, but…I lift my pinky finger between us as I stare back at him. ‘I pinky promise that no matter what happens, I will never take anything that’s yours.’”

Tabitha and Rhys’s “pinky promise” shows how the characters are building trust in their relationship. The first line of the passage marks one of Tabitha’s most significant internal revelations: she is realizing that Rhys is a good person. This makes her want to trust Rhys and Rhys to trust her. The image of their entwined pinkies recurs throughout the novel and conveys their work to rely on and remain loyal to each other.

“It’s one of the most vulnerable moments we’ve ever shared. One of the most honest things she’s ever told me. The truth is, I don’t know how to act around her either. She makes me nervous in unfamiliar ways. Still, I feel the need to reassure her. To lay it all out in black and white. To wipe the strained expression off my face.”

Rhys reflects on identity and trust in intimate relationships. Now that the couple is sharing “honest things” about themselves and their lives, Rhys begins to reassess who they are to each other. Their dynamic is “unfamiliar,” but this newness is welcome, exciting, and renewing.

“When the tone sounds, I leave Rhys behind and become Wild Side. It’s part of what I love about this job. I get to be someone else for a brief time. Someone tough, strong, and commanding—not an insecurity or worry as far as the eye can see.”

Rhys’s job as Wild Side provides insight into his complex character. Rhys has always felt like two different people. As Wild Side, he’s “tough, strong, and commanding.” As Rhys, he feels more vulnerable and reserved. At this juncture of the novel, Rhys is still unsure if he wants to reconcile the competing facets of himself. The passage reveals the internal work Rhys still has to do as he pursues self-actualization.

“All my wishing I could make her happy, and here she is. Looking at me. Happy. Here she is, getting up and heading straight for me. Here she is, greeting me with a bashful, ‘Hi,’ before pushing up on her tiptoes and pulling my face down to hers. […] And fuck, it feels good.”

Rhys uses short, declarative sentences and conversational language to convey his contented state of being. This aims to affect a bald and honest narrative tone, which aligns with how Rhys feels. The moment marks a shift in his storyline and shows how Tabitha is positively influencing his character.

“He’s built an entire career on keeping a front of complete anonymity. Of becoming another person when that camera turns on. And yet, here he is blurring all those lines. With me. In his own quiet way, it feels like Rhys has given me a gift. Given me a peek behind the mask. Given me his trust.”

When Rhys lets Tabitha in and tells her about his career, she cherishes his honesty. She understands that Rhys’s vulnerability is a sign that he trusts her and is thus “a gift.” This passage furthers the novel’s exploration of identity and trust in intimate relationships, and shows how opening up to one’s loved ones provides opportunities for deep connection.

“I feel like I’ve swallowed something sharp as my throat works to digest her words. This is what I get for reading her journals—the knowledge that she both admired and appreciated me while simultaneously begrudging and envying me. And what’s more hilarious is that I don’t think anyone would accuse me of being sunshine. I’m matter-of-fact, and I get shit done. But I never considered that she may have felt as though I was marching in some superiority parade by helping her.”

Tabitha’s use of descriptive language conveys her emotion. Tabitha likens her experience of reading Erika’s journals to the experience of “swallowing something sharp.” This is a simile, where something is compared to something else using “like” or “as.” It implies that Tabitha’s emotional pain is manifesting physically. The passage also shows how Erika’s journals are compelling Tabitha to reflect on her relationship with her sister and on her own character for the first time since Erika’s death. The journals are a transformative force in Tabitha’s storyline and inform her grieving process.

“I knew I missed him. I just didn’t realize until now that I needed him. […] He kept the truth from me. He came back for me. He’s sacrificed for me repeatedly, and I can’t for the life of me see what I’ve done to deserve that loyalty from him.”

Tabitha uses short, declarative sentences and repetition: “He […] me.” This creates an urgent and revelatory tone. She is acknowledging all that Rhys has done for her for the first time and trying to make sense of why he cares about her. The insistent, searching cadence reflects Tabitha’s effort to understand Rhys, herself, and their relationship.

“I see now that my fumbled attempt at shielding her from the truth could have backfired spectacularly. But it didn’t because she’s her. All fight and no quit when it comes to the people she loves. Love. I glance down at her and wonder if that’s what this is. This warm, cheerful feeling when I lay eyes on her that turns to cold, despondent dread when I have to leave.”

Rhys’s internal monologue after having sex with Tabitha marks a turning point in his storyline and the couple’s relationship. Rhys is not only reflecting on all he and Tabitha have been through already; he is trying to find language to articulate his feelings for her. His use of words like “fumbled,” “shielding,” “spectacularly,” “warm,” and “cheerful” convey the protective nature and depth of his and Tabitha’s connection.

“My newest secret is that I’m happy. Being married to Rhys makes me happy. Really, truly happy. So when we get home and he turns like he’s going to go to the basement, I stop him. I take him by the hand and lead him up to my room instead.”

Tabitha has transformed from an isolated, self-reliant person to someone who has deeply connected to someone else. She repeats the word “happy” three times, conveying her buoyancy and renewed outlook on life. The image of her leading Rhys away from the basement and upstairs to her room implies that the couple’s relationship is advancing.

“They are a gift. And Erika, in her own complicated way, gave them to me. And I love her for it. In all her complex glory, I love her. I will forever be grateful to her. In fact, I think I understand her better than ever. And my parents too. Things with them have been a tangled mess, but I think I’ve found my way. I’ve made peace with their choices.”

Tabitha reflects on her relationship with her sister for the first time since her death. Instead of feeling bitter toward Erika, Tabitha attributes her happiness in the narrative present to her sister. She is both remembering and honoring her sister—something she wasn’t able to do in the immediate aftermath of losing her. The passage shows how Tabitha has grown and changed.

“‘You have a life, Tabby. Milo. Your restaurant. Your family. You should go be with them. You don’t need to see me like this.’ I attempt to pull my hand away, but she grips me harder. ‘I am with my family, Rhys. If I didn’t want to be here with you, I wouldn’t be.’”

Rhys tries to push Tabitha away when she visits him in the hospital because he’s still afraid of intimacy. Tabitha talks back to Rhys with an equally determined tone, as she’s afraid of losing him. This scene acts as the climax of the novel: it encompasses one last conflict they must overcome before solidifying their happy ending.

“I cruise down the highway, feeling happier than I can ever remember. I’m headed home. To a house where a woman I love lives. Where a little boy I love lives. Some days, I pinch myself with how fortunate I am. Every day I spend married to Tabitha Garrison, I feel more whole and settle into this being real, and not some fever dream.”

The image of Rhys driving home is a symbol of transformation and contentment. The drive evokes freedom, while the house evokes safety. By the end of the novel, Rhys has found both in his relationship with Tabitha and the family life they’re building together.