Chapter 6 argues that men who partner with women who “love too much” are drawn to partners who promise to compensate for their personal deficiencies or life circumstances. Through six detailed case studies, Norwood demonstrates that these men typically seek women who provide safety, rescue, and emotional management during periods of crisis or dysfunction.

The chapter presents a recurring pattern in which men initially feel rescued and elevated by their partners’ devoted attention, particularly during times of addiction, emotional distress, or major life transitions. Tom’s addiction to alcohol was enabled by Elaine’s consistent covering and protection, while Charles found an escape from marital dissatisfaction through Helen’s intense devotion and sexual validation. Russell discovered in Monica a patient, nurturing presence as he was repeatedly imprisoned for various crimes, and Tyler was drawn to Nancy’s caretaking during his painful recovery from divorce.

Norwood’s analysis reveals a crucial paradox: These relationships often deteriorate when the man begins to recover or when external circumstances that created the initial crisis resolve. This pattern emerges clearly in multiple cases in which the man’s emotional healing, life stabilization, or recovery from addiction coincided with the breakdown of the relationship. In these cases, the woman’s capacity to love appeared to be contingent upon the man’s dysfunction or unavailability; the man’s allure diminished once he no longer required constant rescue.

In this chapter, Norwood draws from Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon frameworks that emphasize personal responsibility and recovery through structured programs. This context is significant because it positions these relationship patterns within a disease model of addiction and codependency that was revolutionary for its time.

The author’s analysis suggests that both partners in these relationships possess limited capacity for genuine intimacy, despite appearances to the contrary. Men who seem incapable of deep emotional connection are matched with women whose apparent capacity for profound love actually masks an inability to tolerate sustained closeness. This insight challenges surface-level interpretations of these dynamics and reveals deeper psychological structures at work.

The chapter also explores how external validation and ego gratification play crucial roles in maintaining these relationships. Charles acknowledged his own denial about Helen’s emotional limitations because her attention fed his need to feel irresistible and special. This suggests that men in these relationships are active participants in maintaining mutually destructive illusions.

Chapter Lessons

• Men who choose women who love too much are typically seeking partners who will compensate for personal deficiencies, provide emotional safety during crises, or manage the consequences of their dysfunctional behaviors, particularly during periods of addiction or major life transitions.
• These relationships often follow a predictable pattern where the initial rescue and devoted attention create powerful attraction, but the relationship deteriorates when the man’s circumstances improve or when he begins genuine recovery from his problems.
• Though surface appearances might suggest that women in such partnerships love deeply while the men cannot, in reality, both individuals struggle with sustaining genuine emotional closeness and partnership.

Reflection Questions

• Have there been times in your relationships when the other person’s problems or need for help became the primary foundation for connection? How did the dynamic change when those circumstances improved or resolved?
• In what ways might personal crises or difficult periods make certain types of partners more appealing, and what does this reveal about one’s own relationship patterns and capacity for healthy partnership?