Chapter 9 presents the case study of Margo, a woman who married and divorced four times before the age of 35. Norwood uses Margo’s story to illustrate the progression of what she terms “relationship addiction” as a disease process. The author argues that women who love too much follow a predictable pattern of deterioration that parallels alcohol addiction in its stages and symptoms.

Margo’s first husband was unfaithful, her second husband sexually abused her daughter, her third husband was a drug dealer who married her to prevent her from testifying against him, and her fourth husband gave her inheritance to a religious commune before abandoning her. Each relationship followed a similar pattern: Margo entered the relationship hoping to rescue or change her partner, became increasingly obsessed with fixing him, and experienced progressive emotional and physical deterioration while denying the severity of her situation.

Norwood’s central thesis positions relationship addiction as a legitimate disease requiring specific treatment rather than simply poor relationship choices. She draws extensive parallels between alcohol addiction and loving too much, arguing that both conditions involve obsession, denial, repeated failed attempts at control, mood swings, irrational behavior, and progressive physical deterioration. This framework reflects the influence of the disease model of addiction that gained prominence in the 1980s, when Alcoholics Anonymous principles were being applied to various behavioral patterns beyond substance use.

The author’s analysis includes a discussion of depression’s role in relationship addiction, distinguishing between exogenous depression (caused by external events) and endogenous depression (resulting from biochemical dysfunction). Norwood suggests that women with underlying depression may unconsciously seek dramatic, difficult relationships to stimulate adrenaline production, essentially using relationship chaos as a form of self-medication. This biochemical explanation aligns with 1980s trends toward medicalizing behavioral patterns.

Norwood outlines three progressive phases of relationship addiction. The early phase involves denial and rationalization of the partner’s problems while becoming emotionally dependent on him. The crucial phase features rapid deterioration with possible development of eating disorders, substance use, and stress-related physical symptoms. The chronic phase involves severely impaired thinking, complete loss of objectivity, and potential life-threatening consequences including suicide attempts, accidents, or stress-related illnesses.

Norwood’s disease model approach was groundbreaking for its time in validating women’s struggles in destructive relationships. The framework remains valuable for its emphasis on personal agency and the need for structured recovery approaches, though modern therapeutic approaches would likely incorporate trauma-informed care and address broader contextual factors (economic, cultural, etc.) influencing relationship patterns.

Chapter Lessons

• Relationship addiction follows a predictable disease progression, from initial denial and obsession to physical and mental health crises, and requires recognition and specific treatment rather than willpower alone.
• Women with underlying depression may unconsciously seek chaotic relationships to stimulate adrenaline production, using relationship drama as a form of self-medication to temporarily mask deeper emotional pain.
• The fundamental shift from trying to fix or find the right man to examining one’s own patterns and learning self-nurturing represents a crucial turning point toward healing.
• Healthcare providers and therapists must understand the specific symptoms and progression of “loving too much” to provide appropriate treatment rather than merely addressing surface-level physical or emotional symptoms.

Reflection Questions

• Norwood suggests that relationship addiction is a “progressive” condition. Looking back on your relationships, can you identify any patterns of escalation?
• Norwood describes how relationship addiction can manifest in physical symptoms like high blood pressure, insomnia, and digestive problems due to chronic stress. Have you noticed connections between relationship stress and physical health issues in your own life?