79 pages 2 hours read

Becoming Nicole

Nonfiction | Biography | Adult | Published in 2015

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Chapters 6-13Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapter 6 Summary: “Things to Be Careful Of”

Wyatt and Jonas are competitive with each other, as many siblings are, but Wyatt sometimes lashes out at his brother. When he does this, he can’t explain why he’s so angry. According to Nutt, the answer probably has to do with cognitive dissonance. Both Wyatt and his brother look like boys, but only Wyatt feels like a girl. Jonas, on the other hand, gets to be who he is.

Kelly realizes that she must think about Wyatt’s safety because he could be an easy target for harassment, especially as he grows older. As a first step, she enrolls both boys in tae kwon do lessons. She also pays attention to news stories about transgender people, even the ones about violence, because she thinks it’s her responsibility to “know exactly what Wyatt might one day have to face” (43). Kelly also screens people who will likely spend time with her kids, from their teachers to the parents of friends whose houses they might visit. She wants to make sure the adults in particular understand Wyatt’s particular brand of behavior and can accept him for who he is. She also keeps a close watch on her kids in an effort to keep them safe. Wyatt creates a small book that also addresses the theme of safety. It’s titled Things to Be Careful Of, and its first words have to do with bullies, even though bullying hasn’t had a big impact on his life at this point.

Chapter 7 Summary: “The Pink Aisle”

Kelly watches Oprah Winfrey interview Jennifer Finney Boylan, an English professor at Maine’s Colby College, on television. She is surprised to learn that Boylan used to be a man. Boylan is unlike other transgender women Kelly has seen. As Kelly listens to Boylan discuss her experiences as a transgender person, she knows she has made the right choice in letting Wyatt wear girls’ clothing and drag Kelly down the “pink aisle” of the toy store. Boylan mentions how common being transgender might be, possibly as common as cleft palate or multiple sclerosis. In addition to being common, it is found around the world, but the people experiencing it are often shamed into silence. Kelly suspects there is a medical explanation for Wyatt’s feelings and behaviors, which seem to come from deep within. She also knows he is very unhappy being a boy and that her job as his mom is to provide what he needs to be happy. She feels terrible when she buys Wyatt a present he hates for his seventh birthday, thinking it’s something both he and his brother might enjoy and suspecting that it’s masculine enough to assuage Wayne’s anxiety. She vows that she will never again buy Wyatt something because it’s what Wayne thinks Wyatt should want.

Boylan’s story affirms Kelly and gives her confidence. Kelly reads Boylan’s memoir, She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, and decides to learn more about sex reassignment surgery, the medical protocol for addressing the cognitive dissonance transgender people feel. She also tells Wayne that Boylan would be a great role model for Wyatt, but Wayne doesn’t want to discuss the issue. He still thinks Wyatt will outgrow what he’s going through. Until Wyatt turned 7, Kelly thought this was a possibility, but she didn’t really care if this happened or not. More than anything, she just wants to do the right thing in her son’s eyes. She pays more attention to the phases other young boys go through, from painting their fingernails to wearing pieces of their sisters’ clothing. She is struck by the consistency of Wyatt’s attachment to feminine things. The other boys seem drawn to a feminine object or behavior for a short time, but then they move on to something else.

Chapter 8 Summary: “A Boy-Girl”

Kelly is diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer at age 43. The radioiodine treatment she must undergo requires her to be isolated in a room for several days because she will emit a significant amount of radioactivity. She also must go to lots of follow-up appointments at a Boston hospital 240 miles from home. Kelly tells herself that she needs to live ten more years to give Wyatt and Jonas a shot at a good life. She knows that Wayne loves both boys but thinks he’ll continue to have trouble understanding Wyatt and knowing what to do with him. She also feels compelled to remain calm in front of the twins, even when she feels anything but calm. The cancer eventually goes into remission, and Kelly feels more determined than ever to be the mother her family needs. She lets Wyatt wear pink shoes and a pink backpack to school. She also decides it’s time for him to start seeing a therapist, but she struggles to find one who is prepared to take his case. Meanwhile, Wyatt reveals that he knows at least a little bit about sex reassignment surgery.

In addition to learning a bit about Kelly’s motivations, we learn about Wyatt’s through Nutt’s description of his favorite bedtime story, Garrison Keillor’s “Cat You Better Come Home.” It’s about a cat who leaves home when he feels underappreciated. He seeks fame and fortune and achieves it in many ways, but his life feels empty. He eventually returns home, and his owners welcome him, no questions asked. Wyatt also loves the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, whereas his brother prefers the Tin Man. Though Wyatt is no stranger to difficult feelings, he tends to remain positive. “Wyatt was an optimist,” Nut explains, “mainly because Kelly made a point to never instill doubt in him. She might have been holding him back, but she never discouraged or tried to dissuade him from becoming a girl if that’s what he really wanted” (54).

Chapter 9 Summary: “Wild in the Dark”

Around age 7, Wyatt’s moods start fluctuating often. His anger turns inward and he develops nervous tics, such as pulling on his eyebrows and eyelashes. Wayne and Kelly encourage both of their sons to discuss their feelings rather than acting out, but Wyatt struggles with this. He says he can’t stop pulling his brows and lashes, that he feels compelled to do it. He soon starts seeing Dr. Virginia Holmes, a child psychologist. After talking with him, she realizes that his most difficult-to-manage anxiety at the moment involves “an overwhelming automatic desire to choke himself,” rather than his desire to be a girl (58).

Chapter 10 Summary: “Girls with Magical Powers”

Dr. Holmes isn’t sure if Wyatt is gay or transgender and advises Kelly to go slow when it comes to letting him adopt feminine behaviors. She also recommends keeping these behaviors in check in public. Wayne also worries about allowing Wyatt to present as too feminine, fearing that the more feminine he acts, “the harder it would be for him to go back to being a boy” (59).

Wyatt finds ways to escape from some of his most difficult emotions. One is an animated TV show called Winx Club. It features witches who are both feminine and powerful. He most closely resembles Stormy, who is weaker than the other witches but always gets the revenge she seeks. He starts testing limits more often with his father, begging Wayne to buy him glittery clothes. Wayne tries to respond in a neutral way rather than overreacting. At the same time, Wyatt feels more pressure to fit in with the girls at school. He wants a two-piece bathing suit, which Kelly agrees to as long as it meets certain specifications. But a bathing suit doesn’t solve his problems. His teacher notices that his self-confidence is waning and that he becomes angry or moody quickly. Dr. Holmes explains to Wyatt what it means to be gay, and he tells her that he’s not a boy who loves other boys. He sees himself as a girl who will grow into a woman who will one day marry a man.

Chapter 11 Summary: “A Son and a Daughter”

As Wyatt tries to assert his femininity more boldly, he fights with Jonas more frequently. He tells Dr. Holmes that he is afraid his brother won’t accept him as a girl the more he tries to look like one. Wyatt is concerned that Jonas isn’t as interested in playing with him as he used to be. He wonders if he embarrasses Jonas. Dr. Holmes talks to Jonas, who says that he doesn’t mind the feminine way Wyatt acts and dresses. He wants to protect his brother but often isn’t sure how to do it. He doesn’t want to play as often because he’s not very interested in dolls anymore. He’d rather play outside with his friends.

Other activities also present problems for Wyatt and Jonas. Sports tend to take place after school and require the twins to change clothes in the boys’ locker room, which has no privacy. Wayne goes to the locker room in an effort to supervise and prevent problems. Wyatt doesn’t back down when an older boy insults him and gets in his face. Wayne reprimands Wyatt, warning him that he could get hurt by acting that way, but Wyatt insists that he can handle it. Despite the social problems that come with sports, Wyatt seems to have some natural talent at athletics. This frustrates Jonas, who spends hours trying to improve his baseball skills. Wyatt can just walk up to home plate and hit a line drive—in heels. Jonas soon realizes that sports aren’t going to bring him validation and self-confidence. He’s more likely to find this from imaginative pastimes like acting out stories.

Cub Scouts is a gauntlet of parents’ awkward questions about Wyatt’s gender and cruel behavior by the other kids. Kelly knows she has to be the person to explain Wyatt to others, “to be the go-between for Wyatt and those who didn’t, or couldn’t, understand what he was all about” (65-66). The Maineses soon drop out of Scouting, feeling that this activity is more hurtful than helpful for their sons. It’s also a constant reminder to Wayne that his family is different from others. Wayne isn’t convinced that Wyatt is transgender, or, alternately, Wayne isn’t ready to accept it. Jonas, on the other hand, knows that Wyatt is a girl and urges his dad to accept that he has a son and a daughter. 

Chapter 12 Summary: “Transitions”

Wyatt readily tells the other kids at school that he is a “boy-girl,” and they proceed to see him this way. The parents who aren’t sure what to make of him tend to stay quiet. Wyatt’s self-esteem begins to grow again, but he still acts out and struggles when his nervous tics flare up. Kelly lets him wear feminine clothes at home and at school, despite what Dr. Holmes has recommended, but she draws the line at skirts and dresses. Those are only for home, at least for now.

The fourth-grade teacher asks each of the students to draw a self-portrait to hang in the school’s hallway. Wyatt draws a girl with long, curly hair and purple eyeshadow. The teacher takes this picture to Lisa Erhardt, the school counselor. Erhardt knows every kid at the school and has a talent for making children feel relaxed enough to open up to her. She likes listening to them and believes in making school accessible for all students, no matter what they may be struggling with. She often describes herself as a conflict resolution specialist. Erhardt is young, but Wyatt isn’t the first boy with a pink backpack she has seen at the school. After all, Orono is a liberal college town where parents encourage their kids to be independent and express themselves.

When Kelly and Erhardt meet for the first time, they read the DSM’s description of Gender Identity Disorder together. There are two components necessary for diagnosis: “a strong and persistent cross-gender identification” and “persistent discomfort about one’s assigned sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex” (72). Erhardt realizes she needs to learn more about this disorder. She also realizes she did the wrong thing by grabbing this diagnosis manual rather than discussing Wyatt with Kelly. Erhardt goes to the local university’s LGBT center to learn more about transgender issues. The students there load her up with resources and phone numbers, and she feels touched by their generosity and friendliness. In the weeks that follow, she and Kelly build a relationship that revolves around respect, solving problems, and sharing resources. Erhardt also helps resolve the self-portrait dilemma. Kelly learns that the assignment was for Wyatt to draw what he saw in the mirror, so she asks him to do it again and draw what he truly sees. He comes up with something that looks more like himself: “That person, the person he felt himself to be, wasn’t quite ready for public display” (74).

Nutt goes on to explain how the brain discards more visual information than it absorbs. As a result, perception is always changing:

There is no simple act of perception. What there is, is expectation. […] Everything in our environment influences who we are and how we see ourselves—even our own bodies […] [t]he body tells a story, but the story can change what a body sees. And a body can change a person’s mind” (75).

Nutt also details an incident in New York involving Eric Buffong, a 27-year-old transgender man who filed a $3 million lawsuit claiming that he was dismissed from his restaurant job due to gender-identity discrimination, not job performance. Someone found a high school photo of Buffong, who presented as female at the time, and shared it in his workplace. Soon, his name was changed to Erica on the schedule, his hours were reduced, and he was eventually let go. The court ruled in favor of Buffong, saying that that the law’s prohibition of discrimination based on sex protected him from this type of treatment at work.

Nutt argues that despite this win, many people continue to misunderstand the plight of transgender people. She cites a law blogger who described Buffong as someone who “chose to dress in a way that was not consistent with her gender,” a decision he compared to “if one chose to wear a clown suit at all times” (77). Nutt also notes how most states require transgender people to provide proof of sex reassignment surgery when requesting a new birth certificate, and that the U.S. Department of State requires so for passports. No one even knows how many people in the U.S. are transgender, she argues, because talking about the topic has been stigmatized for so long. Plus, when Wyatt was in elementary school, few states had nondiscrimination laws that applied to transgender people. This was a time when several states outlawed gay marriage, and transgender issues rarely made their way into the public forum.

Wyatt soon starts telling his classmates to refer to him as “she,” rather than “he.” His teacher calls Kelly, who says this is fine as long as the other kids are comfortable with it. The school’s acceptance of Wyatt’s femininity helps Wayne realizes that his child’s beliefs and behavior aren’t going to disappear, and that perhaps he needs to try harder to understand. He sees that Wyatt’s transition into a feminine identity needs nurturing. An opportunity for this transition occurs in December, in the lead-up to a school Christmas concert. The girls were to wear skirts and stand on one side of the stage, while the boys were to wear pants and stand on the other side. Wyatt begs to wear a skirt, and Erhardt suggests a compromise: culottes. He wears them to the concert and stands on the border between the boys and the girls. Wayne presents a bouquet of roses to Wyatt, whose “transition had begun and no one even seemed to notice” (78).

Chapter 13 Summary: “Getting the Anger Out”

Wyatt joins Kelly and Wayne to watch Barbara Walters’ 20/20 television special about transgender children. It centers on a child named Jazz, who is about Wyatt’s age. Jazz was also male at birth but identified as female early on. She wanted others to know her as a girl, but her parents feared the repercussions and encouraged her to adopt a gender-neutral look, especially in preschool. She could wear a feminine top, but only if she wore it with pants. The turning point occurred at a ballet recital, where she wasn’t allowed to wear a tutu. Jazz felt devastated and out of place, and her parents felt terrible about it. They decided to throw Jazz a “coming out” pool party, where she got to wear a one-piece bathing suit and start going by “she,” rather than “he.” Wayne tries to suppress his tears. He tells Kelly this story is like looking in a mirror.

Wyatt tells Dr. Holmes that he has been sticking his fingers down his throat. As with pulling his eyebrows, he’s not sure why he’s doing it. He isn’t trying to vomit; it’s something else. He is prone to feeling misunderstood. One day, Kelly separates Wyatt and Jonas while they are fighting. Wyatt writes her a letter expressing how he feels like he is always treated like the bad guy when something goes wrong. He’s also more conscious than he used to be of what others think of him at school. When he undergoes a full psychological evaluation in May of 2007, he tells the evaluating psychologist that he often feels nervous because he’s a boy who wants to be a girl “and sometimes people don’t understand” (82). He also expresses a fondness for violent things, like explosions and shotguns. He tells the psychologist that he enjoys imagining that he’s destroying people he doesn’t like. His biggest fear doesn’t seem to involve these people, though. It has to do with puberty and looking masculine in high school. Kelly knows it is time to start looking into sex-reassignment surgery and ways to prevent Wyatt from going through puberty as a boy.

Chapters 6-13 Analysis

Kelly makes a concerted effort to learn more about what Wyatt is experiencing, and how she can help him be happy and healthy. Nutt hints that this dedication to learning and facing uncomfortable truths is an important reason Kelly can give Wyatt the love, support, and understanding he needs. Kelly starts discovering what it means to be transgender by plugging phrases that describe Wyatt’s behavior into a search engine. She then begins seeking out news stories about transgender people, forcing herself to pay attention, even when the content is disturbing.

In addition to consuming difficult-to-swallow information, Kelly allows her assumptions to be shattered. This happens when she sees Jennifer Finney Boylan on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Instead of adopting the common narrative that transgender people tend to be strange or maladjusted, she finds hope in Boylan’s normalcy. Kelly uses her optimism to her family’s advantage again when watching Barbara Walters’ 20/20 special about Jazz Jennings and other transgender children. Instead of lamenting how hard life is for transgender kids and their parents, she sees the story as an affirmation of her own parenting experience. She also teases out lessons from Jazz’s parents and applies them to the way she interacts with Wyatt and encourages him to slowly try on parts of the female identity that appeal to him.

In Chapter 8, Nutt explains how Kelly’s optimism and tenacity help her survive thyroid cancer. Nutt also notes how Kelly instills her optimism in Wyatt and suggests that it serves as a coping mechanism:

Wyatt was an optimist, mainly because Kelly made a point to never instill doubt in him. She might have been holding him back, but she never discouraged or tried to dissuade him from becoming a girl if that’s what he really wanted (54).
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