Broken Horses

Brandi Carlile was born the firstborn child on both sides of her family to young parents near Seattle. Her father came from a large, impoverished family and her mother from a more comfortable background; they married young when her mother became pregnant. Growing up in poverty near the Sea-Tac Airport in Burien, Washington, the family moved 14 times, driven by evictions and job changes. At age four, Carlile contracted meningococcal meningitis, a severe bacterial infection of the brain. Her heart stopped at the hospital, and she fell into a coma. When she woke, her perception had shifted: She saw her parents as vulnerable and her brother Jay, only 11 months younger, as a frightened child who loved her. The family attributed her survival to divine purpose. The experience left her with what she describes as debilitating empathy and an early awareness of mortality. One night, mysterious choral music on a cassette tape became her earliest proof that God was real, linking music and faith permanently.

Her maternal grandfather Vernon, a charismatic singer who could yodel, died at 51 of ALS, a progressive nerve disease, devastating Carlile's mother, who fought depression by forming bar bands. The family embraced country culture and moved to a run-down trailer in Ravensdale, Washington. After watching a nine-year-old perform at the Northwest Grand Ole Opry Show, Carlile realized children could pursue dreams immediately. She auditioned, won a spot, and performed at around age eight or nine. The applause became the defining force of her life. Using her brother's broken toy guitar, she wrote her first song, "Ride On Out." Carlile failed academically, developed a tough exterior, and experienced early, inarticulate feelings about gender identity.

In sixth grade, a book report on Ryan White, a teenager who contracted HIV through a blood transfusion and became an activist, challenged Carlile's earlier teachings that AIDS was divine punishment for homosexuality. Through White's story, she discovered Elton John and launched an obsessive musical journey beyond country, discovering Queen, the Beatles, and David Bowie. After being held back in seventh grade, Carlile met David, a quiet classmate who would later father her children. Ellen DeGeneres's televised coming out crystallized Carlile's understanding of her own sexuality. She gradually told her parents, and when she told her friend Amber Lee, Amber's father, an Elvis impersonator who employed Carlile as a backing vocalist, fired her. Losing a musical job over her sexuality was devastating.

Her father's alcoholism worsened, and the family was evicted from their trailer on Carlile's 16th birthday. She and Jay moved into a detached garage in a trailer park. Her school friend Blair Barnes died by suicide after the group excluded him on New Year's Eve, devastating Carlile with guilt. She and Jay dropped out of high school, and Carlile impulsively bought an Arab foal for 75 dollars at a livestock auction, naming him Sovereign. The 20-year responsibility of caring for the horse gave her the work ethic that sustained her career.

Drawn back to church after coming out, Carlile underwent spiritual training for baptism. On the day of the ceremony, her Baptist pastor asked if she practiced homosexuality. When she could not repent, he refused to baptize her. She fled in humiliation. Her family rallied in outrage, but Carlile herself still felt wrong rather than wronged. She resolved to find salvation through music.

After busking at Pike Place Market and playing restaurant residencies, Carlile met identical twins Tim and Phil Hanseroth at London Bridge Studios in Seattle. The three discovered their vocal harmony was extraordinary, and Carlile formed a permanent band with the twins. A gig at the Columbia River Gorge caught the attention of Dave Matthews, whose booking agent Chip Hooper became a crucial mentor. After showcasing for producer Rick Rubin and others, Carlile signed with Columbia Records. She bought a log cabin on a creek at 21, a house she still inhabits.

Carlile recorded The Story with producer T Bone Burnett in Vancouver, but his criticism of her vocal style damaged her confidence. On tour in Norway, the twins' lifelong best friend Jerry took his own life after relapsing; Carlile witnessed them cry for the first time. Elton John became a lasting friend during this period. Around age 28, Carlile was relying on steroids and Xanax and emotionally scattered. A vivid dream of her dead grandfather Vernon sent her back to prayer. She was baptized on Easter Sunday 2009, though the shadow of her teenage rejection lingered.

Catherine Shepherd, a British woman working as Paul McCartney's charity coordinator, read about Carlile's Fight the Fear self-defense campaign for at-risk women and reached out. After a year of correspondence, they met in New York. After Carlile's partner Kim moved out, Catherine emigrated from London. After Barack Obama became the first president to support marriage equality, Carlile proposed. They had three weddings in Boston, Seattle, and London. Their friend David agreed to be the biological father; Catherine carried the baby, and Evangeline was born on Father's Day 2014. During pregnancy, Carlile struggled with being cast in a "dad" role rather than recognized as a mother.

After the 2016 election, Carlile and Catherine produced Cover Stories, a charity re-release of The Story featuring Dolly Parton, Pearl Jam, Adele, and others, raising over one million dollars. Both of Carlile's grandmothers and her mentor Chip Hooper died in the same period. She discovered systemic gender disparity in live music and co-created Girls Just Wanna Weekend, an all-women's festival. The twins and Carlile recorded By the Way, I Forgive You with producer Dave Cobb. Cobb challenged Carlile by saying she had never matched the vocal intensity of "The Story," pushing her toward creative recklessness. Separately, inspired by Christopher Powell Jr., a 12-year-old boy being bullied, the refugee crisis, and the political climate, Carlile wrote "The Joke" in 30 minutes. Paul Buckmaster, the legendary orchestral arranger for Elton John's early records, conducted the album's string sessions, fulfilling a decades-old promise; it was the last music he touched before his death.

The album received six Grammy nominations. Before the ceremony, Carlile nearly swallowed six Xanax instead of steroids in a dark hotel room, permanently changing her view of accidental overdoses and leading her to leave the pills behind. She won three Grammys. During the televised performance of "The Joke," singer Janelle Monáe stood in the audience as the crowd rose, giving Carlile a focal point as she screamed the final note.

Carlile and fellow musician Amanda Shires formed the Highwomen, an all-female country supergroup. She convinced Dolly Parton to headline the Newport Folk Festival's first all-female set and co-produced Tanya Tucker's first album in 17 years. At intimate gatherings at Joni Mitchell's home, Joni sang for the first time since her 2015 aneurysm, starting with "Summertime." Carlile performed Mitchell's Blue album in its entirety at Disney Hall in Los Angeles, with Joni and Elton in attendance. Afterward, Elton played "Your Song" for Joni, a moment Carlile describes as the most profound musical experience of her life.

The Covid-19 pandemic ended touring abruptly. Carlile reflects on how the crisis stripped the illusion of celebrity. After George Floyd's murder, she reflects on the importance of amplifying others' voices rather than centering one's own. She now lives on a compound with the twins and their families, spending time on the San Juan Islands with Catherine and their daughters, accepting the continuum of life as it unfolds.