Excuse Me While I Ugly Cry

Quinn Jackson, a Black senior at Hayworth Private School, a predominantly white institution near Austin, Texas, keeps a red spiral journal filled with deeply personal lists: boys she wants to kiss, secrets she would never say aloud, and a to-do list she must complete before graduation. The lists serve as a coping mechanism, a way to contain feelings she is too afraid to express. Among her secrets are that she fabricated her Columbia University acceptance letter, that her real ACT score was 24 rather than the 34 she told everyone, and that she drove the getaway car when a classmate's photographs were vandalized.

When Quinn is grouped for a history project with Carter Bennett, a Black classmate she finds attractive, and Auden Reynolds, a studious white classmate, the project brings Carter to her house. Carter teases Quinn about her wealthy lifestyle, comparing her to Hilary Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and suggests she only got into Columbia because her family donated money. The visit sours when Quinn's father, Desmond Jackson, a Black chief surgeon, confronts Carter aggressively upon finding him in the house. Carter interprets this as racial profiling and leaves. Quinn accidentally picks up Carter's nearly identical red spiral, meaning Carter now has her journal. That evening, at the house of Matt Radd, her white neighbor and secret crush, Quinn reflects on her falling-out with her former best friend, Destany.

Carter confirms he has Quinn's journal but does not say whether he read it. At school the next day, he claims he read only the first page, her to-do list, which includes visiting the two universities that actually accepted her, admitting her love for Matt, telling her parents the truth about Columbia, visiting her grandmother Hattie, and telling Destany why she ended their friendship. When Quinn demands the journal back, Carter discovers it is missing and believes he left it on a city bus. Soon after, an anonymous Instagram account messages Quinn, claiming to possess the journal and demanding she complete every item or face its publication. When Quinn defiantly dares the blackmailer, they post a list of her lies to the entire school, revealing she never got into Columbia.

Quinn accuses Carter, but a threatening message arrives while he stands beside her, casting doubt on the charge. Carter apologizes for losing the journal, and they form an uneasy alliance. To satisfy one list item, Carter suggests they visit the University of Houston, one of the two schools that accepted Quinn. Carter brings Olivia Thomas, a close friend whose photographs Quinn once helped vandalize, as a tour guide; Quinn invites Auden. During the drive, Quinn discovers that Carter and Olivia are like siblings, not a couple. Quinn and Carter also discuss race candidly: Quinn confesses her parents never prepared her for being called an Oreo, a term meaning white on the inside and Black on the outside, and Carter reveals he was labeled the same way and changed his behavior to fit peers' expectations of Blackness. In Houston, Quinn tells the group about the blackmail, and they use a seating chart from the class where Carter last had the journal to identify suspects: Matt, Destany, and Kaide, a classmate who made a racist remark about Quinn's Columbia rejection.

At Olivia's apartment before a night out, Quinn experiences a friendship unlike any she has had. Olivia handles Quinn's natural Black hair with ease, contrasting with an incident when Destany's friend Gia Teller refused to use her new straightener on Quinn's hair because she did not want to "get it dirty" (139). Olivia reveals that Carter has liked Quinn since arriving at Hayworth. That night at a concert on Austin's Sixth Street, the predominantly white crowd sings along to rap lyrics including the N-word, which frightens Quinn. Carter guides her away, and Auden shares his belief that white people should never use the word, deeply moving Quinn.

Over the following days, Quinn and Carter grow closer. She wakes in his modest apartment and meets his adoring little sister, Imani. At Quinn's house, her father tries to force Quinn to visit Hattie at the nursing home, shouting that Hattie is dying. Quinn breaks down, and Carter catches her. On Hattie's porch swing, Quinn shares childhood memories. During a late-night phone call, Quinn tells Carter the real reason she ended her friendship with Destany: At a party, Gia repeatedly used the N-word, and Destany dismissed Quinn's right to be offended by saying Quinn is "practically white anyway" (202).

Quinn's father apologizes for his treatment of Carter and his approach regarding Hattie. When Carter visits, Desmond apologizes to him directly. In Quinn's bedroom, Quinn confesses she cannot think about Matt when Carter is around, and they share their first kiss. She sends the blackmailer a photo arguing she has fulfilled the "admit your feelings" item, but the blackmailer rejects the substitution and posts a list detailing the vandalism of Olivia's photographs, implicating Quinn as the getaway driver. Quinn deduces that Gia orchestrated the blackmail with Destany's help. Quinn and Olivia confront them at Destany's house, where Destany admits to stealing the journal and Gia reluctantly returns it. Quinn secretly records the confrontation. As they leave, Gia claims Carter was seen reading through the journal before Destany took it.

Quinn confronts Carter, who admits he read the entire journal. He explains he initially lied to spare her embarrassment, then feared she would think he was the blackmailer. Quinn feels betrayed, telling him everything between them is tainted because he knew her secrets from the start, like "cheat codes" (297). She orders him out of her car.

Quinn tells her parents the truth about Columbia. Her father is devastated, revealing they sold Hattie's land and house to fund the tuition. Quinn visits Hattie at the nursing home for the first time in over a year. Hattie is frail but still herself, remembering Quinn's name and singing their shared refrain: "Don't you fear, I'm right here" (292). Quinn's mother, a lawyer, brings the blackmail case and recording to the school principal. Gia is expelled, and Destany is suspended. Quinn's mother also connects Quinn with Alorah, a friend from her college days who works at the University of Texas at Austin. Alorah reveals that Quinn's honest application essay saved her candidacy, and Quinn learns she has been accepted off the waitlist.

Over several days, Carter gives Quinn handwritten lists: his reasons for reading the journal, every time he broke her trust, why he cannot stop thinking about her, and his estrangement from his father. Quinn's anger gradually softens. As the final item on her to-do list, Quinn builds a fire on Hattie's property and burns her journal, recognizing that containing her feelings in lists kept her from ever facing them. Destany visits to apologize, and Quinn explains that being called "practically white" is not a joke, asking Destany to celebrate rather than erase their racial differences. Carter shows Quinn his own to-do list, which includes making amends with his father and finding his grandmother's grave. He asks Quinn to help him complete it. She agrees, and they seal the deal with a kiss that Quinn describes as feeling "like finally" (352).