How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

In How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, the author, David Brooks, explores the necessity of open-hearted human connection through anecdotes and philosophical reflections. This self-help book guides the readers to become more understanding and empathetic while mastering the art of seeing others beyond superficial levels.

This guide refers to 2023 Random House Edition.

Content Warning: The source material contains discussions on grief, trauma, and mental health, including references to suicide and challenging personal experiences.

Summary

The book How to Know a Person by David Brooks guides readers in developing greater empathy and consideration for others. In doing so, Brooks states that readers will experience the fulfillment that arises from genuine human connection.

In Part 1(a), Brooks reflects on his personal journey from emotional detachment to a more open-hearted and connected way of living. Brooks explores the challenges of truly seeing and understanding others, introducing the concepts of Diminishers and Illuminators. He emphasizes the need for recognizing and understanding others as a powerful creative act with societal implications. The chapters delve into obstacles hindering genuine connection, the power of attention, and the concept of accompaniment as a crucial element in understanding and connecting with others. Brooks advocates for The Skill of Truly Understanding and Valuing Others, illustrating how it can lead to deep and meaningful connections.

In Part 1(b), Brooks explores the ways of understanding and connecting with others through shared experiences, meaningful conversations, and the art of asking the right questions. He sheds light upon the impact of shared events, using Emmanuel Carrère’s experience during the 2004 tsunami to illustrate how individual perspectives are shaped by unique life histories. Brooks introduces the concept of constructionism, emphasizing that individuals actively construct their perceptions of reality. Moreover, he discusses the art of good conversations, highlighting the importance of active listening. He also explores the art of asking the right questions, emphasizing their role in personal growth and gaining insights into others’ truer selves.

In Part 2(a), Brooks refers to the societal crisis of disconnection and its impact on individual well-being. He explores the epidemic of emotional and empathetic blindness, and identifies a vicious cycle where loneliness begets meanness, further exacerbating a crisis of distrust. Additionally, Brooks addresses the challenges of engaging in hard conversations, emphasizing encounters across differences and the importance of understanding individuals within a broader societal context. In this part, Brooks also shares his personal experience of supporting a friend, Peter Marks, through depression that tragically led to his death by suicide. Brooks reflects on the challenges of comprehending and serving a friend with depression, highlighting the need for deep human connection, respect, and love in the face of mental illness.

In Part 2(b), Brooks explores the fundamental human need for recognition and connection, particularly focusing on the significance of early childhood experiences in shaping emotional well-being. Furthermore, Brooks contrasts the ~traditional warrior/statesman model of character development with the Illuminator ideal, arguing that good character is honed through skillful social interactions and recognition from others. Brooks illustrates the transformative power of shared stories and serious conversations among friends in overcoming grief and constructing resilient, forward-looking perspectives on life. He also emphasizes the social and relational aspects of character development, challenging the notion that it is a solitary endeavor.

In Part 3(a), Brooks delves into the critical role of personality traits in shaping individuals’ lives and influencing societal dynamics. Using the example of George W. Bush, Brooks illustrates how a person’s unique combination of traits can impact major decisions and outcomes. He explores the validity of the Big Five personality traits, discussing each trait’s impact on behavior and life outcomes. Moving on, Brooks introduces the concept of life tasks drawn from developmental psychology, exploring tasks such as the imperial, interpersonal, career consolidation, generative, and integrity tasks. He highlights how individuals’ consciousness evolves to meet these challenges throughout life, incorporating real-world examples and anecdotes.

In Part 3(b), the author discusses the importance of life stories, ancestral influences, and the concept of wisdom. He emphasizes the value of allowing people to narrate their life experiences, advocating for more storytelling conversations and a shift from asking about opinions to inquiring about the events that shape one’s beliefs. The author explores how cultural legacies and ancestral influences shape individual identities, using Zora Neale Hurston’s life as a case study. Additionally, the author redefines wisdom, emphasizing receptivity, patience, and understanding in wise individuals. He discusses real-life examples, historical events, and instances from literature to illustrate the multifaceted nature of wisdom as a social skill practiced within relationships, promoting empathy and personal growth.