My Body Is a Book of Rules

Elissa Washuta's memoir is structured as a series of formally inventive, interconnected essays that braid together her experiences with bipolar disorder, sexual trauma, Native American identity, Catholic upbringing, and the search for stability in her early twenties. Rather than following a straightforward chronology, the book alternates between essayistic modes including diary entries, mock pharmaceutical inserts, annotated bibliographies, and television dialogue. Interspersed throughout are short sections titled "A Cascade Autobiography," which trace Washuta's evolving relationship to her ancestry as a member of the Cowlitz Indian Tribe.

The memoir opens with the 1856 hangings at the Cascades of the Columbia River, where Colonel Wright executed nine Cascade Indian leaders, including Tumalth, Washuta's great-great-great-grandfather. A genealogical line descends from Tumalth through his daughter Mary, then through Abbie, Kathleen, Leslie, and finally Elissa, connecting colonial violence to the author's existence. Washuta's enrollment in the Cowlitz Tribe stems from the Cascade people having been split apart after the hangings. Though she carries a tribal identification card, she is white-passing, meaning others perceive her as white despite her Native heritage, and she grew up in New Jersey far from her tribal homeland.

In "The Dread," Washuta describes her senior year at the University of Maryland, where she lived near campus, mixed alcohol with prescription medications, and maintained a perfect 4.0 grade point average. She recounts winning a full-ride scholarship after telling interviewers she wanted to serve her people, a claim that provoked resentment from white peers who questioned her blood quantum, the fractional measure of Native ancestry used to police tribal identity. She began treatment at the campus mental health clinic and received a diagnosis of major depressive disorder.

"Please Him" braids Washuta's Catholic school education with the sexual instruction she absorbed from Cosmopolitan magazine, presenting both as systems that taught her body existed to serve others. Her sixth-grade teacher, Sister Agnes, was devoted to Maria Goretti, a 12-year-old saint murdered for resisting rape, and urged the girls to guard their virginity with their lives. The nuns offered Washuta Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha, the Lily of the Mohawks, as a spiritual guide because of her Native heritage, but Washuta could not pray to her. After three years with high school boyfriend Jake, during which she could not have sex with him, she broke up with him as a college sophomore and began escalating sexual activity.

"Faster Than Your Heart Can Beat" catalogs Washuta's sexual partners in reverse chronological order, from number 24 to number 1. Partner #2 is Marcus, with whom she shared a year-long relationship. Partner #1 is Damian, the man who raped her. She was a 20-year-old virgin who had told him to take it slow. In the middle of the night, he climbed on top of her; she said no, he continued. At the campus clinic, a doctor suggested the boy may have taken advantage of her, but Washuta insisted the doctor did not understand.

"Note" presents Washuta's psychiatric history as a letter from her University of Maryland psychiatrist to her incoming doctors in Seattle. It chronicles rapid medication changes: Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Ativan, and Ritalin. When her diagnosis shifted toward bipolar spectrum disorder, the mood stabilizer Lamictal was added. It finally stabilized her, but she developed a rash and fever consistent with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, a rare and potentially fatal drug reaction, forcing its discontinuation. Lithium replaced it, and Abilify was added, causing akathisia, a side effect producing severe inner restlessness. The letter concludes with a diagnosis of mixed, rapid-cycling bipolar disorder: She experienced mania and depression simultaneously, with episodes recurring unusually often, requiring lifelong drug treatment. In Seattle, Seroquel and low-dose Lexapro finally achieved stability.

"Prescribing Information" presents each medication as a mock pharmaceutical insert blending clinical language with personal narrative. Seroquel is described as a marriage: It causes weight gain and drinking urges but provides stability. Washuta commits to taking Seroquel, Lexapro, and lithium daily, framing the choice as living medicated or losing herself entirely. "The Kindling Model in Bipolar Disorder" explains the neurological process whereby untreated bipolar episodes prime the brain for increasingly severe crises.

"Dear Diary" presents journal entries documenting obsessive dieting, medication crises, and Washuta's graduation summa cum laude. A second set covers her move to Seattle, where Seroquel brought stability at the cost of 30 pounds. She records the suicide of her friend Henry, who had called her several times beforehand, once saying he was about to kill himself; she let him go because she did not believe he would follow through.

"Sexually Based Offenses" uses Law & Order: Special Victims Unit to process both the rape by Damian and a subsequent sexual assault in Seattle by an older man named Brian, who asked whether the rape she mentioned was "the kind where you said no or the kind where you regretted it." She reflects that real life offers no formulaic resolution. "Actually—" returns to the rape with greater honesty, including instant message transcripts with Noah, her longtime internet friend. Washuta acknowledges that she said no but then opened her legs, and that she told Damian afterward she was glad it was him. She concludes by declaring she carries a fiery sword and will protect what is hers.

"Many Famous People Suffer from Bipolar Disorder" examines Kurt Cobain and Britney Spears as parallels for Washuta's depressive, manic, and mixed states. She defines the bipolar mixed state using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and identifies herself as code 296.62: Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode mixed, moderate severity. She commits to medication, knowing the disorder is incurable. "Fucker and Fucked" takes the form of an academic linguistics paper with confessional footnotes connecting asymmetrical sexual language to her experience of rape.

"Please Him, Part 2" revisits Catholic theology. Washuta reexamines Maria Goretti's story and concludes that she sinned by letting the rape happen, yet submitting to save her own life was the right thing. After her breakup with Sam, the man from partner #24, she begins repeating the mantra "I am enough," praying to herself rather than God.

The "Cascade Autobiography" sections trace Washuta's Native identity across her lifetime: wanting to be the only Indian around as a child, using academic study as a substitute for cultural knowledge in college, and being challenged by darker-skinned Native peers who questioned whether white-passing Indians should claim the identity. She wonders whether she belongs in the statistic that one in three Native women will be raped. She tried to frame the rape by telling herself the rapist had colonized her brown body but concludes the assault was not comparable to what happened to Tumalth's generation. She draws a parallel between bipolar disorder and Indigeneity: Both are things she never asked for, and at 13 she knew she was bipolar without being told, just as she always knew she was Indian.

The memoir closes with "The Global Positioning Effect," in which Washuta takes a late-night drive through Seattle's Magnolia neighborhood during a bipolar relapse. She compares navigating unfamiliar streets to navigating bipolar disorder and accepts she will have the condition forever, treated but never cured. When her Global Positioning System (GPS) loses satellite reception, she fantasizes about driving into Puget Sound and becoming a mermaid, reverting to a childhood longing to escape her human brain. The essay ends when the GPS provides a direction and Washuta follows it, a small act of trust mirroring her commitment to medication and moving forward.