Somebody's Daughter

Ashley C. Ford's memoir recounts her childhood and young adulthood growing up poor and Black in Fort Wayne, Indiana, shaped by her mother's volatility, her father's long imprisonment, and her own search for love and safety. The book opens with a framing scene. Ashley, now an adult living in Brooklyn with her boyfriend, Kelly, received a phone call from her mother announcing that her father would be released from prison in two weeks. The news triggered a full-body panic response. Ashley reflects that she and her father spent most of their lifetimes constructing imagined versions of each other. His letters called her his favorite girl, brilliant, and the best daughter anyone could hope for. For a long time, that was enough.

The memoir moves backward to Ashley's earliest memories. At roughly three years old, she fed her infant brother, R.C., a smashed tomato while their mother slept. Ashley was supposed to be a miracle baby, as her mother had been told she could not conceive, but R.C. arrived fourteen months later. At preschool, Ashley threw away her mother's cigarettes after a TV commercial warned they were deadly. Her mother beat her for it, teaching Ashley that honesty was not always safe. She began distinguishing between "Mama," the loving mother she knew, and "the Mother," the frightening figure who emerged when rage drained the light from her mother's eyes.

Ashley's grandmother, Grandma Billie, became a central figure in her life. While exploring Grandma Billie's apartment, Ashley discovered unwrapped toys and on Christmas morning recognized them under the tree, realizing Santa Claus was not real. Around the same age, she found a family photograph and did not recognize the man in it. Grandma Billie told her it was her father and shared stories of how much he loved Ashley, carrying her everywhere and showing her off. Ashley resolved to pray for him every night so she would not forget him again.

Her mother's boyfriend accidentally hit Ashley in the face during an argument, causing a nosebleed, then crouched down and apologized, the first time anyone had said sorry for hurting her. Her mother never apologized. When the couple's baby, Darrell, was stillborn, Ashley's mother sank into paralyzing grief. Ashley was sent to live with Grandma Billie at a farmhouse in Columbia, Missouri, where she enjoyed a stable routine of school, Saturday movies, and nightly reading. On a Christmas visit to Indiana, her mother kicked her for opening a gift early. Back in Missouri, Grandma Billie dug up a nest of garden snakes, poured lighter fluid on them, and lit a match. As the snakes burned, they held each other tighter. She told Ashley they must return to Indiana because family does not give up on one another, "Not even when we're burning alive" (48).

Ashley returned to Fort Wayne to find a new baby sister, Nikki, and discovered the public library, which became her lifelong refuge. After learning that a cousin had been molested by her stepfather, Ashley's mother became obsessively vigilant about Ashley's interactions with boys and men. Ashley internalized the terror and began to see danger everywhere. At a New Year's Eve party, a trusted male family friend pinned young Ashley's head against a patio door and forced a kiss on her. She tried to tell her mother but was ordered to bed and decided not to speak up because the man was "like family" (73).

Her mother began an on-and-off relationship with Allen, a controlling and cruel man who mocked Ashley's mother and dragged toddler Nikki out of rooms. He once ran Ashley off a sidewalk into a brick building during a bike ride, fracturing her wrist, and laughed about it. When Ashley questioned her mother's hypocrisy about hitting, her mother beat her so severely that an aunt had to intervene.

At the end of sixth grade, Ashley met Bradley, a white boy who whispered that she was pretty, the first time a boy had offered admiration without grabbing or threatening her. He became increasingly physical and controlling. When his family prepared to move, Ashley agreed to meet him one last time in the storage shed behind her mother's house. Bradley pinned her against a rusted washing machine and sexually assaulted her while his friend watched. Ashley mentally left her body. She told no one.

Afterward, Ashley stopped wanting to go home, hiding in school after the final bell. Her computer teacher, Mr. Martin, gave her a cassette tape to help her sleep and later a laminated volume of her classroom writings. Her life stabilized when she met Brett Tubbs, a classmate who recruited her into marching band and provided the consistency she craved, picking her up for every morning practice without fail.

During a shopping trip, Grandma Billie abruptly revealed the reason for Ashley's father's imprisonment: "He raped two women" (121). Ashley walked to Brett's house and told him everything. They began dating months later. Ashley struggled to reconcile her love for her father with his crimes. At sixteen, she chose to have sex with Brett. He was kind and gentle, and the experience gave her the knowledge that she could have sex on her own terms, unlike anything that had been done to her before.

Ashley applied to Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana, after a friend took her to visit the campus. When she opened her acceptance letter, her mother screamed with joy and produced a check for the housing deposit before the deadline. At college, Ashley relished the absence of surveillance and screaming. Brett, now at community college, came out as gay. Ashley was devastated not by his sexuality but by the loss of the safety he provided. She spiraled into a depression, stopped attending classes, and lost thirty pounds before her friend Trent helped her recover. Over time, she began photographing herself and fell in love with her own body.

When her mother was hospitalized with a ruptured appendix and nearly died of septicemia, a blood infection that developed after she waited five days to seek help, Ashley resolved to visit her father for the first time in thirteen years. At the prison, she spotted him across the visiting room and sprinted toward him. Her cheek landed on his chest, and he whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you" (177). They talked for three hours; he had earned two degrees in prison, and Ashley was the first person to visit him in five years. When she asked permission to write about him, he told her, "Just tell the truth. Your truth. Don't worry about nobody's feelings, especially not mine" (181).

Ashley left Ball State without graduating, unable to afford the remaining tuition. She drifted through jobs before writing an essay about her assault and her father's imprisonment. Before publishing it, she called her mother and said, "I was raped." Her mother replied, "It was Bradley, wasn't it?" adding, "I was crazy back then" (190). The essay opened professional doors, leading to freelance work in New York and a reconnection with Kelly. Before leaving Indiana, she visited Grandma Billie, who revealed she had cancer and refused chemotherapy. When her grandmother was later hospitalized, Ashley flew home. She and her mother cried openly together for the first time. Her mother held her and said, "You are ready. You have to be, and you are" (207).

The memoir closes by returning to the scene from the opening. Ashley flew to Indiana to meet her father upon his release and asked her mother to accompany her. When the garage door opened, her father walked in, and Ashley was the first person he saw. He put his arms around her and kissed her temple. Ashley reflects that it is not her place to forgive him for what he did to the women he harmed, but she cannot turn away from the part of him that is part of her. She calls him "Daddy," presses her cheek to his chest, and concludes that being his daughter is a good place to start.