The Danish Way of Parenting

Denmark has topped happiness rankings from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) almost every year since 1973, and the United Nations World Happiness Report has similarly placed Denmark at the top since the report's inception. Coauthors Jessica Joelle Alexander, an American married to a Dane, and Iben Dissing Sandahl, a Danish narrative psychotherapist with years of experience working with families, propose that the answer lies in how Danes raise their children. The Danish parenting philosophy, they argue, produces resilient, emotionally secure, happy children who grow into adults who repeat the cycle with their own kids. The authors organize this philosophy using the acronym PARENT: Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No Ultimatums, and Togetherness/Hygge, the Danish concept of cozy, meaningful togetherness. They clarify that the book is not a political statement or a critique of the United States, and they acknowledge that parenting is not the sole factor behind Danish happiness.

Before introducing the PARENT framework, the authors urge parents to examine what they call "default settings," the ingrained, often inherited reactions that surface when parents are too tired or stressed to choose a better response. Drawing on the work of Sara Harkness, a professor of human development at the University of Connecticut who has studied "parental ethnotheories" (implicit cultural beliefs about correct child-rearing), they argue that every culture's parenting norms feel like objective truth to those inside them. They cite rising rates of antidepressant use, attention deficit diagnoses, and excessive parental competitiveness in the United States as evidence that some default settings may be counterproductive. Alexander illustrates the concept with a personal anecdote: She nearly yelled at her toddler for pushing his bike toward a street but paused, knelt to his level, and calmly explained the danger. When she told him to stop at a crosswalk minutes later, the child complied immediately and pointed at the cars himself, demonstrating that he had internalized the lesson.

The first principle, Play, addresses the dramatic decline in children's free, unstructured playtime over the past 50 years in the United States, driven by screen time, parental fear of injury, and pressure to fill schedules with organized activities. In Denmark, a pedagogy incorporating play dates back to 1871, children historically did not start school before age seven, and students age 10 and under still finish school at two p.m. to attend "free-time school," where play is the primary activity. Danish educators focus on the "whole child," prioritizing socialization, autonomy, and self-esteem alongside academics. The authors introduce the concept of locus of control: People with an internal locus believe they can influence their own lives, while those with an external locus feel governed by outside forces and are more prone to anxiety and depression. Research by psychologist Jean M. Twenge found that between 1960 and 2002, children shifted dramatically toward an external locus of control. Animal studies reinforce the argument: Animals deprived of play during critical developmental periods were unable to cope with stress as adults, while those allowed even one hour of daily play developed normally. Play activates the same neurochemical pathways as stress, and repeated exposure trains the brain to become less reactive, building resilience by teaching children to manage stress rather than avoid it.

The second principle, Authenticity, concerns emotional honesty and the type of praise parents use. Danish films and Hans Christian Andersen's original fairy tales often feature tragic endings rather than the sanitized happy conclusions common in English-language adaptations, reflecting a cultural belief that discussing difficult emotions builds character and empathy. The authors warn against self-deception, arguing that pretending everything is fine teaches children to ignore their real feelings. They present humility as a core Danish value: Rather than exclaiming that a child is a great artist, a Danish parent is more likely to ask about the content of the drawing, focusing on the process rather than inflating the child's ego. Central to this chapter is Stanford psychologist Carol S. Dweck's research on fixed versus growth mind-sets. Children repeatedly told they are smart develop a fixed mind-set and become afraid to exert effort. Children praised for effort develop a growth mind-set, viewing challenges as opportunities. In studies on fifth-graders, those praised for intelligence chose easy tasks and lost confidence when problems grew difficult, while those praised for effort chose challenging tasks and improved steadily. The authors recommend "process praise," which highlights engagement and perseverance rather than innate talent.

The third principle, Reframing, addresses the mental "frame" through which people perceive experience. Alexander describes watching her Danish husband help their daughter examine a spider with curiosity instead of fear, creating a lasting shift in perception. The authors distinguish realistic optimists, who acknowledge negative information but focus on constructive aspects, from people who are either excessively positive or excessively negative. Neuroscience research shows that deliberately reinterpreting events decreases activity in brain regions processing negative emotions and increases activity in areas governing cognitive control. The authors also discuss the damage of labeling children. Danish psychologist Allan Holmgren argues that reality is created in the language people use, and a problem is a problem only if referred to as one. Sandahl describes her narrative psychotherapy practice, in which she helps clients separate themselves from negative labels through externalization language, treating the problem as something external rather than an inherent trait.

The fourth principle, Empathy, addresses a trend the authors find alarming: Empathy among young Americans dropped nearly 50 percent between the 1980s and 2000s, while narcissism doubled. They trace part of this shift to cultural foundations rooted in competition and individualism. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman's research on the "social brain" found that in the prisoner's dilemma, a game in which two people decide whether to cooperate or act selfishly, participants cooperated more often than expected, and their brains' reward centers responded more strongly to mutual benefit than to personal gain. Clinical professor Daniel Siegel of UCLA calls empathy "not a luxury for human beings" but "a necessity" (83). Danish schools implement formal empathy programs, including Step by Step, which teaches preschoolers to identify emotions without judgment, and the Mary Foundation's Free of Bullying program, created by Mary, the crown princess of Denmark. Danish parents model empathy by habitually pointing out good qualities in other children and explaining misbehavior through circumstance rather than labeling.

The fifth principle, No Ultimatums, challenges authoritarian discipline. The authors cite research suggesting up to 90 percent of Americans have used spanking. A meta-analysis covering two decades found no positive outcomes associated with physical punishment across more than 80 studies; negative associations include depression, damaged self-worth, and altered brain development. Spanking became illegal in Denmark in 1997. Danish parenting is closest to the authoritative style in developmental psychology, in which parents set clear rules but remain responsive to children's questions. The Danish word for the toddler years, trodsalder ("boundary age"), frames boundary-pushing as normal development. Danish schools reinforce democratic practices: Students and teachers co-create classroom rules each year, and practical tools such as inflatable ball cushions help children with attention difficulties concentrate without punishment. Sandahl shares an example from her teaching career in which she refused to label a rebellious student as a troublemaker, instead focusing on his strengths. Years later, the student returned to thank her, saying her trust had given him the strength to turn his life around.

The final principle, Togetherness and Hygge, concerns the practice of hygge, a word dating to the nineteenth century and derived from the Germanic hyggja ("to think or feel satisfied"). Hygge describes a deliberate, cozy togetherness cultivated through lighting candles, playing games, sharing meals, or simply being present with loved ones. Cultural psychologist Geert Hofstede's research found that the United States has the highest level of individualism in the world, a sharp contrast with Danish culture, which prioritizes the group. Research confirms that quality social relationships are among the strongest predictors of happiness and longevity: A pooled analysis of 148 studies involving more than 300,000 people found that poor social connections increased the risk of early death by 50 percent, comparable to the difference between smokers and nonsmokers. Danish culture reinforces togetherness through group projects in schools, social associations (foreningsliv) based on shared interests, and a communal singing tradition. For new mothers, local midwives connect women in the same neighborhood who have recently given birth, forming weekly support groups. The authors present a "Hygge Oath" for families: agreements to turn off devices, leave personal drama behind, play games together, and feel gratitude for those present.

The authors conclude by reiterating that the PARENT framework creates a self-reinforcing cycle: Confident, happy adults raise children who become the same, explaining Denmark's position atop happiness charts for more than four decades. They encourage parents and teachers to support each other in practicing these principles, arguing that even a few of these methods can set any family on the path to raising happier, more resilient children.