The Way I Am Now

The second installment in a duology that began with The Way I Used to Be, the novel is narrated in alternating chapters by Eden McCrorey, a high school senior and survivor of sexual assault, and Josh Miller, her ex-boyfriend now in his second year of college. The story opens in April, months after Eden publicly accused Kevin Armstrong of raping her. Kevin has been arrested, and other accusers have come forward, including his ex-girlfriend Gennifer. Eden has anxiety, finishes school online after a meltdown, and is dating Steve, a kind but ill-fitting boyfriend her best friend, Mara, encouraged her to try.

Eden reluctantly attends a concert with Steve and friends. Inside, a former classmate who once harassed her triggers a panic attack, and she flees. Josh, home for spring break, recognizes her in the parking lot and chases after her. They embrace immediately. On a picnic table behind the venue, Eden admits she is not okay and reveals that wealthy alumni are funding Kevin's defense to protect the basketball program. When the concert ends, she walks into Steve while still holding Josh's hand.

Steve accuses Eden of planning to meet Josh; she counters that Josh simply found her during an anxiety attack. That night, Steve grabs her wrists and pins her down during a physical encounter, triggering a flashback to the night Kevin assaulted her. She dissociates, reliving the assault, then snaps back hyperventilating. Steve says he loves her, but Eden cannot say it back. The next morning, she breaks up with him, explaining he loves who she used to be, not who she is now.

Meanwhile, Josh gets dangerously drunk at a gathering with old classmates who dismiss the accusations against Kevin. After a confrontation with his parents, he sits on the bathroom floor with his father, Matt, who is in recovery from addiction after a relapse the previous December. Josh confides that Eden was raped and questions whether he ever mistreated her. Matt advises him to cope in healthier ways. Eden later visits and meets Matt, who tells her Josh struggles internally despite appearing fine on the surface.

Three months pass. Josh does summer work-study as penance from his coach and reflects on his breakup with Bella, his college girlfriend, whom he left in the middle of the night to drive to Eden after desperate phone calls he feared were a permanent goodbye. His psychology professor suggests he declare a minor, planting a seed about his future.

Eden is accepted off the wait list at Tucker Hill University, Josh's school. Her brother Caelin is thrilled, but her father, who has barely spoken to her since the assault became public, leaves the table at the news. Eden shouts that she knows he blames her; Caelin reveals their father actually blames Caelin. Josh comes to Eden's house for the first time. They nearly kiss, but she pulls away, explaining the assault happened in her bedroom. He stays until she falls asleep and leaves a sticky note: "To be continued." On the porch, Caelin apologizes for punching Josh years ago; they shake hands.

In August, Eden moves to campus and meets her roommate, Parker Kim, a warm second-year swimmer. She is overwhelmed by her attraction to Josh, who is deliberately giving her space. That evening on the rooftop, he explains he was trying not to rush her. She teases him about making "sex noises" during a shoulder massage, breaking the tension. He asks her on a date; she agrees, then chases him down the hallway and kisses him.

Josh plans an Italian-themed first date culminating at the Fountain of Eden, a red apple-shaped sculpture in Tucker Hill Memorial Garden. He confesses he used to pass it daily and imagine bringing her here. They commit to a real relationship. Back at her apartment, they are intimate for the first time as a couple. Eden cries, not from pain but because she has never felt so loved, and tells Josh she loves him.

The fall semester is busy but happy. Gennifer, the third accuser in Kevin's case, visits Eden at the café where she works, and their conversation challenges Eden's deep assumption that the assault was her fault. Eden surprises Josh with an early birthday celebration, then confesses she has known about the upcoming preliminary hearing for months. Josh insists on attending; Eden refuses, saying she cannot testify with him listening.

At the hearing, Kevin's defense attorney reduces Eden's testimony to yes-or-no questions, ending with whether she ever verbally said no. Because Kevin was choking her, she could not speak, and her answer is weaponized against her. She locks eyes with Kevin, dissociates, and finds herself in the bathroom with no memory of leaving the courtroom.

District Attorney Silverman texts that the case is going to trial. Eden breaks down in Josh's arms. That night, a violent nightmare causes her to scratch and bruise Josh badly in her sleep. In the morning, she sees the marks on his body and is devastated. They cry together on the floor.

Weeks later, Eden reveals she missed several days of birth control and knowingly let Josh finish inside her. He is furious. He says, "This is you," meaning her pattern of recklessness, but Eden hears confirmation that she is fundamentally broken. He suggests a break. Over the following weeks, Eden spirals: missing classes, staying in bed, declining his calls. On her 18th birthday, a coworker named Perry tries to walk her home after offering champagne and marijuana. Eden shouts "No" in the street, reclaiming the word she could not say to Kevin.

During the separation, both grow. Josh plays the best basketball of his life but feels hollow. Over Thanksgiving, he attends an Al-Anon meeting, a support group for families of people with addictions, that his mother leads. He confronts Matt, admitting his inability to trust Eden stems from not trusting his father. Matt breaks down and promises he is not going anywhere. Josh quits the team and changes his major to psychology. Eden gets a dandelion tattooed on her wrist as a symbol of resilience, quits the café, begins jogging with Parker, and starts practicing her clarinet after a fellow student invites her to audition for the campus band.

At the building mailboxes, Eden and Josh see each other for the first time in a month. She squeezes his hand but says she is not ready. At a rooftop party, they apologize and agree to be friends. Over winter break, they begin jogging together and sharing the changes in their lives. DA Silverman confirms the trial for January.

At trial, the defense attorney asks his final question again: Did she ever say no? This time, Eden looks directly at Kevin and says: "He. Never. Asked. The. Question." She leaves the courtroom and is comforted by Mara and her court advocate, Lane. She texts fellow accusers Amanda and Gennifer purple heart emojis; they send hearts back.

Eden drives back to campus and asks Josh to meet her at the Fountain of Eden. He arrives early and finds dandelions sprouting in the unseasonably warm January weather. He picks one and makes a wish. Eden sits beside him, takes his hand, and squeezes once, their private signal. He squeezes back twice. "I'm ready," she tells him.