The unnamed narrator is an Irish advertising professional living in London who struggles with severe alcoholism and narcissism. He harbors a deep sense of apathy and copes with his own perceived victimization by purposefully seducing and then emotionally traumatizing women. Viewing his life through a detached, cinematic lens, he treats his reality like a scripted film where he occupies the central role.

Aisling is a 27-year-old photographer's assistant from Dublin currently residing in New York. Coming from a wealthy background, she possesses a natural grace and cultural literacy that sharply contrast with the Narrator's insecurities. She treats him with cold politeness and utilizes silence as a conversational weapon, remaining entirely unimpressed by his attempts to charm her.

Penelope is a kind, supportive woman who dates the Narrator for over four years. She tolerates his excessive drinking and infidelities far longer than most would endure. When pushed past her breaking point by his targeted verbal cruelties, she firmly cuts him out of her life.

The Narrator's mother is an emotionally distant parent who raised him alongside his three older siblings. She routinely downplays significant events in her son's life, fostering an environment of neglect that heavily influences his adult relationships with women.

The Narrator's father is initially the only family member who shows the young boy any genuine affection, often bragging about him to friends. This dynamic shatters when he coldly states that he does not care if his son ever speaks to him again, leaving a lasting psychological scar.

Jenny is a woman the Narrator meets while drunkenly infiltrating a social gathering. After forming a brief romantic connection, she reacts explosively when he nonchalantly admits to sleeping with someone else.

Catherine is a vulnerable woman whom the Narrator targets specifically to test his own ability to inflict psychological damage. Despite his cruel vanishing act, she proves more robust than he anticipates, cheerfully contacting him later.

Lizzie is a delicate, vulnerable woman reeling from a recent breakup when she begins dating the Narrator. Following their brief involvement, she leaves a message accusing him of severe violation, underscoring the psychological damage he inflicts.

"Brazilian Shirt" is the descriptive moniker the Narrator assigns to one of Aisling's male companions. He operates as an openly hostile presence, using mocking gestures and physical intimidation to publicly humiliate the Narrator.

Sharon is a friend of Aisling's from Princeton who participates in the social alienation of the Narrator. She coldly refuses to offer him any conversational reprieve when he seeks an escape from the escalating tension.

Adam is a fellow member of Alcoholics Anonymous who befriends the Narrator. He provides a brief, stabilizing presence for his friend during a particularly stressful and paranoid episode in New York.

Graham is a headhunter representing the American advertising agency Killallon Fitzpatrick. He conducts an interview with the Narrator and is entirely taken in by his fabricated stories about wanting to settle down.

Brother Ollie is a priest from the Narrator's youth. He inappropriately touches the young boy, an incident that the Narrator's mother dismisses as merely friendly behavior.

Sophie works as a wardrobe designer and dates the Narrator during his period of rampant alcoholism. She becomes one of his many victims who stoically attempt to hide the emotional damage he inflicts.

Emily is a woman the Narrator dates briefly and unexpectedly falls for. Her appeal to him stems entirely from the fact that she treats him poorly, tossing a drink in his face.

Laura is a single mother whom the Narrator dates. He experiences a rare, fleeting twinge of guilt regarding her when her young daughter shames him into walking her to school.