Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

Lysa TerKeurst writes from the aftermath of an unwanted divorce to argue that healthy boundaries are not only compatible with Christian love but essential to it. Drawing on her own painful experiences, biblical analysis, and the therapeutic insights of her Christian counselor, Jim Cress, she builds a case that boundaries protect love rather than push people away, and that sometimes the most God-honoring action is to say goodbye to an unsustainable relationship.

TerKeurst opens by recounting the moment she spoke aloud, first to her counselor and then to her then-husband of nearly three decades, the words "You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken" (1). His addictions had returned, and the boundaries they had established were being violated again. Cress illustrated the impossibility of communicating with someone trapped in addiction by holding a pillow between their faces, explaining that everything she said had to pass through the addictions first. TerKeurst argues that Christians must not confuse the commands to love and forgive with the realities of enabling behavior that dishonors God. She introduces the biblical basis for boundaries by citing Jeremiah 5:22, in which God placed a boundary of sand around the sea, a biblical symbol of chaos, drawing a foundational principle: "where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack of good boundaries" (8).

She then develops a central concept she calls relational access. Using the analogy of walking on a beach full of sand spurs, she describes a long friendship that had become painful. The real problem was not the friend herself but the amount of emotional access TerKeurst had granted, so that irresponsible behavior deeply affected her well-being. Drawing on Proverbs 4:23, she argues that guarding the heart is an active process. She traces a theological pattern: God's love is unconditional, but access to Him has always been conditional. In the garden of Eden there was a single boundary; by the end of the Old Testament law there were 613. Sin and iniquity, which she defines as the deeper corrupt motive or character behind harmful actions, cause separation from God. The same principle applies between people: One must require from others the level of responsibility necessary to match the level of access granted.

TerKeurst argues that relational problems are symptoms of deeper dysfunction and distortion. She identifies trust, truthfulness, transparency, tenderness, and a team approach as the five responsibilities she requires for close relational access, and she contends that good relationships require good boundaries, which in turn require appropriate consequences. She examines God's handling of boundary violations in Genesis, deriving four principles: boundaries define and protect freedom; access requires responsibility; broken boundaries bring consequences; and consequences should protect, not harm. She candidly lists reasons her own boundaries have failed, including rewarding people for disrespecting her limits, hinting at boundaries rather than clearly stating them, and allowing herself to be pulled into debates about the boundary's validity.

She demonstrates that readers already practice boundaries in many areas of life, such as gas tanks, house keys, and bank passwords, and asks why people understand boundaries with finances far better than with emotional well-being. She shares the severe physical consequences she believes were connected to emotional trauma during the last seven years of her marriage: emergency surgery when her colon twisted, a breast cancer diagnosis requiring a double mastectomy, and an abdominal wall separation. She presents five factors for setting good boundaries: a boundary should help the setter stay self-controlled rather than control the other person; grace should guide communication; boundaries fight for the relationship rather than against it; a boundary without a real consequence will never be taken seriously; and envisioning the boundary's benefits helps maintain resolve.

TerKeurst addresses the tension that arises when one person in a relationship pursues emotional health while the other does not. As she pursued counseling and growth, some people grew more resistant to her efforts. She reframes this friction as evidence of progress, arguing that "the tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction" (86). She connects emotional maturity to the biblical concept of sobriety, analyzing the Greek words in 1 Peter 5:8 to argue that being sober-minded and watchful are active commands.

She traces her lifelong people-pleasing to an elementary school classroom where colored behavior cards became, in her mind, definitions of her identity rather than tools for learning. She identifies a core fear around boundaries: that setting one will cause the other person to no longer see her as she wants to be seen. She argues that this fear is itself evidence a boundary is needed, and that identity must be grounded in God rather than in others' opinions.

She introduces a framework for wholeness built on three theological concepts: orthodoxy (correct doctrine), orthopathy (correct emotions), and orthopraxy (correct living). When all three align with God's truth, wholeness results. She explores the deeper fears behind people-pleasing, arguing that the root issue is a fear that God will not provide what one needs. When desires shift into demands, people fall into the most serious form of people-pleasing: sacrificing boundaries to secure from other humans what they doubt God will supply. She cites Jesus as a model who served from a place of fullness rather than for a feeling of fullness, and who did not chase people down when they walked away.

TerKeurst asks whether a goodbye can ever truly be good, tracing the word's etymology to the 1500s phrase "God Be with Ye." She examines biblical examples: the patriarch Abraham and his nephew Lot separating due to quarreling but later reuniting; the early Christian missionary Paul and his ministry partner Barnabas parting permanently over a disagreement yet both continuing effective work; and Jesus warning followers to leave blind guides whose hearts are far from God.

She recounts the end of her marriage. Three counselors told her that if she did not accept the ending, it would most likely mean her death. She initially resisted, considering herself strong and loyal. But her husband's destructive habits returned, and what she thought were triggers from past trauma turned out to be indications of fresh trauma. She reframes her decision not as walking away but as accepting reality, quoting Cress: "Mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs" (178). She compiles extensive scriptural support for saying goodbye when necessary, including 2 Timothy 3:2–5, which instructs believers to "have nothing to do with such people" (188) who exhibit destructive behaviors.

She introduces the concept of "a million little funerals," an 11-step personal grief process for releasing unrealistic expectations. The steps include acknowledging what is not, stating aloud what feels disappointing, uninviting the idealized image of the person, releasing that person to be responsible for their own life, and committing to maintain good boundaries. These funerals can lead to three outcomes: a renewed relationship with adjusted expectations, a temporary pause, or a final goodbye.

In the conclusion, TerKeurst describes receiving her childhood Bible from a college acquaintance she had not seen in 30 years. Its broken spine fell open to Ephesians 5:3–7, a passage about sexual immorality and deception that she had highlighted as a teenager, with handwritten notes that directly applied to her present situation. When she described the moment she felt something break inside her, Cress replied: "Lysa, I don't think that was the moment you broke. I believe that was the moment you healed" (214). She tucks her wedding ring inside the childhood Bible, places both in a box on a high shelf, and whispers, "Good bye, good bye, God be with you, good bye." The book includes a supplementary section examining scriptures frequently used to undermine boundary-setting, providing historical context for each passage and practical scripts for responding. TerKeurst closes by affirming that what hurts us will not be our full story and that this broken world is not our final destination.