Gather initial thoughts and broad opinions about the book.

1. Compare and contrast Angela Buchdahl’s memoir with other memoirs that explore multiracial identity, such as Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime. What unique challenges or insights did Buchdahl’s specific background bring to this theme and to the memoir genre at large?

2. What single aspect of Buchdahl’s story resonated with you most deeply and has stayed with you since finishing the book? Discuss how and why this aspect of her memoir resonated with your own experience.

Encourage readers to connect the book’s themes and characters with their personal experiences.

1. Mentors like Rabbi Rick Jacobs and Debbie Friedman played a crucial role in Buchdahl’s journey. Who has been an important mentor in your own life, and what made their guidance so meaningful?

2. Buchdahl describes feeling like an outsider when she didn’t know the cultural password for fitting into certain Jewish groups at Yale. When have you felt the pressure of needing to know the unspoken rules of a group to feel like you belong? How did you navigate that situation?

3. Buchdahl’s mother advised that the goal of life is purpose, not comfort. Discuss how Sulja’s philosophy resonates with your own approach to making important life decisions.

4. Sulja created a sense of community for fellow immigrants in Tacoma. In what ways have you seen people in your own life build communities or “chosen families” outside of traditional structures? What have such communities offered you, and why?

5. Buchdahl’s childhood ritual of the nightly bedtime prayer gave her an early sense of spiritual practice and connection. What role have rituals or routines played in your own life, whether spiritual or secular?

Examine the book’s relevance to societal issues, historical events, or cultural themes.

1. The memoir touches upon the “stained glass ceiling” and the skepticism that Buchdahl faced as a woman and a mother aspiring to senior leadership (193). How do her experiences reflect broader challenges that women face in professional settings, particularly in fields traditionally dominated by men? What does her story suggest about how institutions can evolve?

2. How does Buchdahl’s story illuminate the ongoing conversation within American Judaism about patrilineal descent versus matrilineal descent? What are the communal stakes of this debate, and how does her personal journey make a case for a more inclusive definition of Jewish identity?

3. In her viral Yom Kippur sermon, Buchdahl argues that Judaism should be understood as a covenantal family, not a race. Why was this message so powerful in the summer of 2020, and how does it speak to current conversations about race, religion, and identity in the US today? What does it mean to define a group by shared commitment rather than shared ancestry?

Dive into the book’s structure, characters, themes, and symbolism.

1. Examine the memoir’s dual structure. How do the personal narratives and the theological teachings speak to each other? Identify a specific example where a d’var Torah reshaped your understanding of the chapter that came before it. How would the text resonate differently without these theological portions?

2. How does the recurring motif of bridges and boundary crossing function throughout the narrative to explore the memoir’s themes of identity and belonging? How would the text function without such imagistic representations of Buchdahl’s internal experience?

3. Buchdahl quotes Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, another writer who blended personal reflection with deep theological inquiry. How would you describe Buchdahl’s voice as a spiritual writer compared to other religious thinkers? What makes her theological approach distinctive?

4. What is the significance of the shattered kintsugi vase in the narrative? How does this object serve as a symbol for Buchdahl’s own identity, her family’s history, and the book’s broader theme of finding beauty in brokenness and repair?

5. How has Buchdahl used high-profile public crises, like the Colleyville hostage situation or the aftermath of October 7, to test and define her leadership? What do these moments reveal about her role as a rabbi for her synagogue and as a public voice in American religious life? What narrative purpose do these intense, climactic events serve in the later parts of the book?

Encourage imaginative and creative connections to the book.

1. The daily meditation call that Buchdahl started during the pandemic became a vital, unexpected community. If you were tasked with designing a program to build community based on one key lesson from her story, what would it be? Would it focus on music, shared storytelling, or service to others, and why?

2. What if you were to create a d’var Torah for a significant chapter in your own life? What Hebrew word or concept would you choose as your anchor, and what personal story would you connect it to?

3. Buchdahl’s parents created a family orchard with 18 trees, each one representing life and their family’s intertwined roots. Imagine you’re creating a symbolic gift for a loved one that represents their unique story or heritage. What form would it take, and what specific elements would you include to tell that story?