Lloyd is the exasperated, egocentric director of the provincial touring company's production of Nothing On. He struggles to keep his cast on track while simultaneously managing a complicated personal life involving multiple women in the company. Prone to sarcasm and self-importance, he often speaks to his actors as if he were a deity, issuing commands from the dark of the auditorium.

Dotty is a middle-aged actress and the principal financial investor in the touring production of Nothing On. On stage, she plays Mrs. Clackett, a housekeeper trying to enjoy her day off in her employers' seemingly empty home. Off stage, she is flirtatious and prone to gossiping, carrying on a turbulent romance that disrupts the entire production's backstage harmony.

Garry is an inarticulate and highly emotional actor portraying Roger Tramplemain in the company's play. He relies heavily on vague phrases like "you know" when speaking as himself, contrasting with his character's smooth real estate persona. His intense infatuation with Dotty makes him quick to anger whenever he perceives her giving attention to other men in the company.

Brooke is a young, attractive, and inexperienced actress who struggles to follow the mechanics of the play. She rigidly adheres to the script and finds it nearly impossible to improvise when things go wrong on stage. She frequently loses her contact lenses, causing the entire company to halt their work and crawl on the floor to help her search.

Frederick is a dim-witted but well-meaning actor playing Philip Brent, a playwright hiding from the tax authorities. Recently left by his wife, he is emotionally vulnerable and deeply insecure about his acting choices, constantly stopping rehearsal to ask for his character's motivation. He reacts physically to violence and stress, often needing medical attention.

Belinda is a sharp, resourceful actress who plays Flavia Brent. She functions as the company gossip, cheerfully trading information about her castmates' relationships and personal struggles. Despite her meddling, she often takes charge when the production threatens to fall apart, using her quick thinking and improvisational skills to keep the show running.

Selsdon is an elderly repertory actor in the twilight of his career, cast as the Burglar in Nothing On. He struggles with hearing loss and has a severe problem with alcohol, forcing the rest of the company to constantly monitor his whereabouts and hide whiskey bottles from him. He frequently forgets his lines, particularly his final cue word.

Tim is the overworked and exhausted stage manager for the touring company. He is responsible for fixing the broken set, running errands for the director, and serving as the understudy for multiple male roles. His dedication to his job is constantly tested by the incompetence and endless demands of the rest of the team.

Poppy is the assistant stage manager for the production, tasked with wrangling the actors and managing the technical aspects of the show. She is emotionally entangled with the director, making her job significantly more difficult as she tries to maintain her professionalism while dealing with romantic heartbreak and backstage jealousy.