Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love

Jonathan Van Ness, hairdresser and grooming expert on the Netflix reboot of Queer Eye, writes this memoir to reveal the full scope of his life, including childhood sexual abuse, addiction, sex work, and an HIV diagnosis. All secondary characters' names are changed to Russian pseudonyms to protect their privacy. The book opens in early 2018, shortly after Queer Eye premieres, as Jonathan encounters sudden fame. Beneath his exuberant public persona, a persistent inner voice asks whether people would still love him if they knew all of his parts. He introduces the framework of internal family systems therapy, which holds that people develop different "parts" in response to trauma, and promises to reveal every one of his.

Jonathan grew up as "Jack" in Quincy, Illinois, where his family's co-ownership of the local newspaper, the Herald-Whig, made them prominent. A flamboyant child obsessed with figure skating and gymnastics, he idolized athletes like Michelle Kwan and spent hours choreographing routines on the carpet of his basement. At the country club pool, he gravitated toward the glamorous "pool ladies" rather than other boys, and when his father's best friend asked what he wanted to be, he answered: a cabana girl or a cosmetologist. He describes always feeling gender queer, identifying as neither exclusively male nor female but somewhere in between, and loving to play dress-up in evening gowns. His father reacted with fear and anger, forbidding such play.

Around age four, an older boy from Jonathan's church sexually abused him during a game called "Doctor." One evening at dinner, his brother mentioned learning that HIV is transmitted when two boys have sex. Jonathan burst into tears and told his mother what had happened. She assured him they would never return to that house, but some family members seemed to doubt his account, compounding his shame. That same year, his parents divorced.

Jonathan's mother, Mary, eventually reconnected with Steve, a charismatic man in recovery from alcohol addiction who became Jonathan's stepfather. Steve won Jonathan's affection through patience: building him a balance beam, judging his carpet-skating routines, and pushing him into his first back dive at the pool, a breakthrough foundational to his later tumbling ability. Jonathan reflects that Mary and Steve's relationship became the healthiest partnership he has ever witnessed.

In his early teens, Jonathan's brother caught him bingeing and purging, and his mother sent him to a therapist. The therapist asked if Jonathan had ever been sexually abused, and Jonathan told the full story, believing it would stay confidential. The next morning, the boy he had named was taken into custody because the therapist was legally required to report the abuse. Jonathan was devastated. His mother warned that if charges were filed, the case could appear in the family's newspaper. Jonathan declined to participate in the investigation, and the case was dropped. The experience reinforced a shame cycle that would fuel years of self-destructive behavior.

In eighth grade, Jonathan tried out for cheerleading on a dare and made the squad, becoming the first openly gay male cheerleader in Quincy's history. Months of intensive tumbling training earned him a spot on the varsity football and soccer squad, giving him a sense of belonging for the first time. He also developed an intense, unrequited attachment to Fyodor, a talented swimmer on his swim team. They spent years in an emotionally intimate but ambiguous relationship, though Fyodor insisted he was straight. When rumors circulated that Jonathan had claimed they were sexually involved, Fyodor cut off contact, and Jonathan lost his closest friends. He resolved to leave Quincy.

Jonathan graduated a year early and enrolled at the University of Arizona for cheerleading but quickly spiraled: evicted from campus housing, kicked off the squad for poor grades, and caught cheating on a final. Desperate for money, he met a pimp online and began escorting. When a client at a meth house pulled a gun, Jonathan dove through a window to escape. He called his mother, told her he had been selling his body, and she sent money for him to come home.

Back in Quincy, his father, furious at Jonathan's failures, backhanded him across the face. Jonathan enrolled at the Aveda Institute in Minneapolis, paying his own way, and began going by "Jonathan" instead of "Jack." He discovered a genuine passion for hairdressing. After graduating, he moved to Scottsdale, built a strong clientele, and began weekly visits to do his paternal grandmother's hair, the first sustained responsibility he kept to another person. His grandmother died on Jonathan's 22nd birthday.

Jonathan moved to Los Angeles, enduring a grueling apprenticeship at a prestigious celebrity salon where one stylist used an anti-gay slur against him and told him he hoped Jonathan died of AIDS. In November 2010, he met Sergei at a West Hollywood bar, and the relationship became his first true love. However, Jonathan struggled with sexual compulsivity rooted in his childhood abuse. He cheated on Sergei and entered inpatient rehab in Tennessee for sex addiction, financed by his mother. After reconciling, he relapsed, tried methamphetamine for the first time, and entered a second rehab near Los Angeles. During a family weekend there, he told his entire immediate family the full truth about his childhood abuse, and everyone believed him.

Jonathan persuaded Sergei to move to St. Louis to be closer to family and stopped taking his antidepressants abruptly, worsening his mental state. Steve's cancer, initially thought to be early-stage bladder cancer, had spread to his brain. After a devastating reaction to radiation, Steve was brought home for hospice care and died on his and Mary's wedding anniversary. After Steve's death, Jonathan sank into his worst period of self-destruction. Sergei found him at a bathhouse and brought him home. Shortly after, Sergei and Mary told Jonathan that Sergei was returning to Los Angeles and the relationship was over.

Jonathan fell severely ill and received a preliminary positive HIV diagnosis at age 25 at Planned Parenthood. His doctor assured him that with daily antiretroviral medication, HIV was a manageable chronic condition, and Jonathan achieved an undetectable viral load, meaning he posed effectively no risk of transmitting the virus. He advocates for destigmatizing HIV and explains prevention options including pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), a daily medication that can prevent infection. The diagnosis paradoxically brought relief: The fear that had haunted him since childhood had been realized, and he was still alive.

Jonathan drove back to Los Angeles and rebuilt his hair clientele. His client and friend Erin Gibson, a writer and comedian, proposed turning his salon recaps of Game of Thrones into a web series for Funny or Die. Gay of Thrones launched and gained momentum over multiple seasons. He also started a podcast called Getting Curious and began performing stand-up comedy. When a former manager tipped him off about a Queer Eye reboot, Jonathan auditioned, advanced through callbacks, and was cast alongside Karamo Brown, Tan France, Bobby Berk, and Antoni Porowski. Queer Eye premiered on February 7, 2018, and became an immediate cultural phenomenon.

In the epilogue, Jonathan describes performing a choreographed ice-skating routine alongside Michelle Kwan, bringing his story full circle from the boy doing carpet routines in his Quincy basement to an adult skating beside his idol. He imagines going back to tell young Jack that his future holds unimaginable success. He closes with a message that no one is too broken to heal, that self-love is a daily practice, and that sharing his truth is worthwhile if it helps even one other person.