Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—friends

Marisa G. Franco, a counseling psychologist, draws on research, case studies, and personal experience to argue that friendship is one of the most powerful yet culturally undervalued relationships in human life. She contends that making and keeping friends as an adult requires deep internal work rooted in attachment theory, a framework describing how early relationships shape later expectations and behavior. The book is divided into two parts: The first examines how attachment theory explains friendship patterns, and the second presents six practices for building and sustaining friendships.

Franco opens with a personal narrative. In 2015, after a painful romantic disappointment, she realized she had been prioritizing romantic love above all other relationships. She gathered close friends into a wellness group, and the experience revealed that friendship could be just as sustaining as romance. She pairs this with her professional experience co-leading therapy groups as a graduate student, where clients re-created their real-world relational problems within the group. Franco uses these observations to establish the book's central premise: Connection shapes who we are, and who we are shapes how we connect.

In Part I, Franco argues that friendship is as significant as any other core relationship. She cites research showing that having a confidante is the strongest of 106 factors that prevent depression, that loneliness carries mortality risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and that social connection is the most pronounced difference between happy and unhappy people. Through the story of Harriet, a 73-year-old woman who learned to value friendship only after her husband Federico's death, Franco illustrates how vulnerability transforms friendships. She tells the story of Selina, who hid a false celiac disease diagnosis for a decade out of shame rooted in her father's anxiety over an earlier family loss. When Selina confessed to her best friend Jesse, who uses they/them pronouns, Jesse responded with immediate acceptance. Franco connects this to psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan's concept of feeling "unhuman," the idea that shame severs people from humanity and that friendship restores wholeness.

Franco examines friendship's role in shaping identity through psychologist Arthur Aron's concept of "inclusion of others in the self," which holds that when people grow close to someone, they incorporate that person's traits into their own identity. She illustrates this with Callee, an American living in Vietnam who initially expressed admiration for her adventurous friend Lee through envy but ultimately adopted Lee's bold approach to life. Franco also examines the historical friendship between Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed, arguing that their era permitted a depth of platonic intimacy between men that modern anti-gay attitudes have curtailed. She presents biological evidence as well: Oxytocin, a hormone that increases trust and empathy, is both produced by and produces connection, linking friendship to physical health.

The second chapter of Part I introduces attachment theory in detail, defining three styles: secure (assuming one is worthy of love and others are trustworthy), anxious (fearing abandonment and clinging or erupting when needs go unmet), and avoidant (fearing abandonment but keeping others at a distance). These styles develop from early caregiver relationships but can evolve through later experiences. Franco profiles Omri Gillath, a psychology professor at the University of Kansas, who describes securely attached people as "super friends" because they excel at initiating, maintaining, and deepening friendships. Secure people operate with what psychologist Fred H. Goldner called "pronoia," the assumption that others like them, which becomes self-fulfilling because trusting behavior elicits trustworthy responses. Avoidants push others away and ghost rather than resolve conflict. For anxious attachment, Franco introduces "vulnerable narcissism," the self-centeredness of pain that causes anxious people to prioritize unmet needs while overlooking how they affect others. She notes that most people fall on a spectrum, exhibiting different patterns depending on context and stress.

Part II presents six practices that nurture friendship. The first is initiative. Franco argues that the belief friendship should happen naturally is psychologically defensive, shielding people from potential rejection. She cites research finding that people who believe friendship requires effort are less lonely five years later. She introduces the "liking gap" (people systematically underestimate how much others like them) and the "acceptance prophecy" (people who expect to be liked behave more warmly and are perceived as more likable). She recommends harnessing "propinquity," the tendency to befriend those one encounters regularly, and the "mere exposure effect," whereby repeated exposure increases liking.

The second practice is vulnerability. Franco presents research showing that suppression creates a rebound effect, with suppressed thoughts returning more intensely. She cites researcher Anna Bruk's finding that people overestimate how negatively others will judge their vulnerability, when observers actually view it as honest and desirable. She warns against oversharing, which she defines as pseudo-vulnerability driven by anxiety rather than trust. She profiles Lucas Krump, who suppressed grief over multiple family deaths until he was hospitalized and eventually co-founded EVRYMAN, an organization that creates spaces for men to process emotions.

The third practice is authenticity, which Franco defines not as raw expression but as a state of presence accessed when defense mechanisms are not in control. She presents Gillath's security prime experiments, in which participants subliminally exposed to the word "love" reported higher authenticity, and argues that authenticity requires mindfulness: pausing, breathing, and responding rather than reacting. Franco also addresses authenticity and social inequality, arguing that privilege determines whose authentic self is welcomed, and introduces the "three V's" for friendships across differences of privilege: vet, vulnerability, and voice.

The fourth practice is productive anger. Franco draws on psychoanalyst John Bowlby's distinction between "anger of hope," which signals an unmet need and aims to repair the relationship, and "anger of despair," which seeks to punish or destroy. She provides a framework for constructive conflict: Calm feelings first, use "I feel" statements, ask for the friend's perspective, and request specific future behavior. She introduces "responsiveness" as the proper way to receive a friend's anger, comprising understanding, validation, and care.

The fifth practice is generosity. Franco opens with Melody, a college freshman whose wealthy roommates bullied her during a study-abroad program in Florence, Italy. Melody responded by giving more, but her generosity was driven by insecurity rather than love and failed to win acceptance. Franco connects this to "fawning," a trauma response in which one accommodates others to avoid harm. She introduces "enlightened self-interest," the idea that sustainable giving benefits both parties, and distinguishes between rigid individualistic boundaries and flexible communal boundaries that consider both parties' needs.

The sixth practice is affection. Franco uses the story of Rachel and Gabby, best friends for over two decades who proposed to each other with rings and friendship certificates, to illustrate platonic expressiveness. She traces the decline of affection in friendship to the rise of anti-gay attitudes in the late nineteenth century. She presents psychologist Sandra Murray's "risk regulation theory," which holds that people invest in relationships only when they feel safe from rejection, arguing that affection creates this safety. She profiles Kory Floyd, a professor at the University of Arizona, whose framework requires that the giver feels genuine warmth, acts to express it, and the recipient interprets the behavior as reflecting those feelings.

Franco concludes by urging readers to treat friendship as an intentional daily practice. She profiles journalist Billy Baker, who described adding friendship to his daily checklist alongside being a good husband, father, and employee. She reflects on writing the book during the COVID-19 pandemic, when sporadic walks with friends restored her vitality. She closes by asking readers to show up for their friends and recognize that the need to belong lies within everyone.