Squeeze Me

Carl Hiaasen

42 pages 1-hour read

Carl Hiaasen

Squeeze Me

Fiction | Novel | Adult | Published in 2020

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Character List

Meet the key characters, with insights into their roles, motivations, and relationships—spoiler-free.

Major Characters

Angie is a thirty-something wildlife removal specialist who runs her own business, Discreet Captures, in South Florida. A former state wildlife officer, she lost her job and spent time in jail after a violent physical altercation with a local animal poacher. She intensely dislikes the overdevelopment of the Florida environment and reacts fiercely to any form of animal abuse. Her strong sense of justice drives her to intervene when an innocent person is blamed for a local tragedy.

Key Relationships

Stepmother of Joel

Ex-Wife of Dustin

Romantic Interest of Paul Ryskamp

Ally of Police Chief Crosby

Enemy of Pruitt

Contractor for Tripp Teabull

Advocate for Diego Beltran

Ally of Clinton Tyree

Friend of Spalding

The President is an erratic, self-absorbed politician who spends much of his time at his Winter White House in Palm Beach, Casa Bellicosa. He favors golf and personal aesthetic maintenance over his official governmental duties. He relies heavily on social media to spread false narratives, using a massive online following to create fake catastrophes that serve his political agenda. He exploits the financial loyalty of wealthy supporters to insulate himself from the consequences of his careless behavior.

Key Relationships

Husband of The First Lady

Political Idol of Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons

Political Idol of Fay Alex Riptoad

Persecutor of Diego Beltran

Client of Christian

Enemy of Clinton Tyree

The First Lady is an astute, politically aware woman who openly despises the emotional constraints of her public role. She privately holds contempt for her husband's erratic behavior and focuses on maintaining her own peace of mind within a chaotic administration. Though she initially appears detached from the local mysteries unfolding in Palm Beach, her quiet intelligence allows her to manage sensitive situations behind the scenes.

Key Relationships

Wife of The President

Romantic Partner of Keith Josephson

Protectee of Paul Ryskamp

Connected to Angie Armstrong

Acquaintance of Fay Alex Riptoad

Observed by Spalding

Clinton is a former Florida governor who abandoned his political career in despair over state corruption. He now lives as an eccentric recluse in the swamps, surviving on roadkill and engaging in radical environmental activism. He retains a commanding presence, marked by a deep voice and a movie-star smile. He uses highly disruptive, unconventional methods to force wealthy elites to face the consequences of their ecological destruction.

Key Relationships

Friend of Jim Tile

Enemy of The President

Headache for Police Chief Crosby

Enemy of Pruitt

Opponent of Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons

Diego is an educated young man from Honduras who returns to the United States after his visa expires to escape political unrest. He finds work on the mainland and attempts to blend in, but he becomes a hapless victim of circumstance after picking up a piece of jewelry on some railroad tracks. This simple act places him at the center of a national political narrative, leaving him helpless within a hostile justice system.

Key Relationships

Protected by Angie Armstrong

Suspect of Police Chief Crosby

Target of The President

Falsely Linked to Uric Burns

Falsely Linked to Prince Paladin

Accused of Harming Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons

Paul is a Secret Service agent tasked with protecting the President and managing the fallout of local scandals. He is pragmatic, cautious, and deeply exhausted by the political administration he serves. While he possesses a strong moral compass, he constantly struggles between doing the right thing and keeping his secure government job.

Key Relationships

Romantic Interest of Angie Armstrong

Superior of Keith Josephson

Protector of The First Lady

Colleague of Police Chief Crosby

Subordinate of The President

Investigator of Diego Beltran

Crosby is the police chief of Palm Beach, tasked with the nearly impossible job of policing the ultra-wealthy without offending them. He is sickened by the national political interference in his local cases but remains deeply afraid of losing his position. The constant stress of managing the elite class's demands pushes him to his professional limits.

Key Relationships

Arresting Officer of Diego Beltran

Colleague of Paul Ryskamp

Pressured by The President

Pressured by Fay Alex Riptoad

Investigator of Chase Cornbright

Supporting Characters

Kiki is a 73-year-old, twice-widowed member of the Palm Beach social elite. She is an ardent, generous supporter of the President and a founding member of an exclusive club of wealthy women who fund his campaigns. Her sudden disappearance sets off a chaotic chain of events that disrupts the insulated, wealthy community.

Key Relationships

Best Friend of Fay Alex Riptoad

Mother of Chase Cornbright

Mother of Chance Cornbright

Supporter of The President

Fay Alex is an elderly, extremely wealthy member of the Palm Beach elite and a staunch backer of the President. She organizes political fundraisers and expects total compliance from the law enforcement and security teams that protect her social circle. She firmly believes the political narratives she consumes and refuses to question her privileged worldview.

Key Relationships

Best Friend of Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons

Supporter of The President

Acquaintance of The First Lady

Pressures Police Chief Crosby

Tripp is the manager of the luxurious Lipid House estate in Palm Beach. He is highly anxious about his venue's reputation and goes to extreme lengths to conceal any incidents that might upset his high-society clientele. His attempts to quietly cover up a bizarre disaster lead to a spiraling series of crimes.

Key Relationships

Employer of Angie Armstrong

Employer of Uric Burns

Employer of Prince Paladin

Uric is a dim-witted local criminal hired for odd jobs by desperate, wealthy clients. He is fundamentally lazy and turned to crime simply to set his own hours. His lack of foresight, combined with an impulse for betrayal, constantly creates new complications for himself and his employers.

Key Relationships

Partner of Prince Paladin

Employee of Tripp Teabull

Falsely Implicates Diego Beltran

Prince Paladin is an inept thief and Uric's partner in crime. He is driven by immediate greed, choosing to steal whatever valuables he comes across rather than properly completing the jobs he is paid for.

Key Relationships

Partner of Uric Burns

Brother of Germaine Bracco

Employee of Tripp Teabull

Pruitt is a vengeful local poacher who previously lost a hand in a violent altercation with an arresting officer. He uses a prosthetic hook and spends his time stalking and intimidating the woman he blames for his condition, though his plans are often impulsive and poorly executed.

Key Relationships

Target of Clinton Tyree

Keith is a young, reckless Secret Service agent assigned to the presidential detail. He is deeply infatuated with his protectee and willingly risks his career and safety to pursue a highly dangerous romance, believing naively that his secrets will remain hidden.

Key Relationships

Romantic Partner of The First Lady

Subordinate to Paul Ryskamp

Client of Spalding

Chase is one of Kiki Pew's adult sons. He is greedy, impatient, and entirely focused on securing his share of his mother's massive fortune. He possesses a sense of extreme entitlement and rarely considers the consequences of his reckless behavior.

Key Relationships

Son of Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons

Brother of Chance Cornbright

Investigated by Police Chief Crosby

Connected to Ajax Huppler

Chance is Kiki's other adult son, equally self-absorbed and eager to claim his inheritance. Like his brother, he lacks common sense and indulges in dangerous, expensive hobbies as soon as he anticipates a financial windfall.

Key Relationships

Son of Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons

Brother of Chase Cornbright

Connected to Ajax Huppler

Spalding is a waiter from South Africa who works at the exclusive Winter White House. He is observant and well-connected, using his position to broker rare luxury goods and gather valuable intelligence about the private lives of the political elite.

Key Relationships

Friend of Angie Armstrong

Supplier to Keith Josephson

Observer of The First Lady

Friend of Christian

Joel is a cheerful young man who maintains a strong, familial bond with his former stepmother long after his father's divorce. He is supportive, easygoing, and sometimes inadvertently drawn into dangerous situations through association.

Key Relationships

Stepson of Angie Armstrong

Son of Dustin

Target of Pruitt

Dustin is an off-screen presence whose past marriage leaves a lasting family connection between his ex-wife and his son.

Key Relationships

Ex-Husband of Angie Armstrong

Father of Joel

Germaine is a small-time grifter who quickly gives up valuable information when threatened. He serves as a link to deeper criminal elements in the local area.

Key Relationships

Brother of Prince Paladin

Interrogated by Angie Armstrong

Jim is an elderly, observant Black man who monitors the activities of an eccentric activist. He operates quietly in the background, facilitating communication and providing discreet assistance when environmental protests escalate.

Key Relationships

Friend of Clinton Tyree

Ajax is a local fisherman whose late-night boating accidentally introduces him to a dangerous wildlife threat, setting off a chain reaction of security protocols.

Key Relationships

Connected to Chase Cornbright

Connected to Chance Cornbright

Mauricio is a groundskeeper who manages the landscaping staff at Lipid House. He is pragmatic and advises others to look the other way when high-society scandals threaten to disrupt their livelihoods.

Key Relationships

Supervisor of Jesus

Acquaintance of Angie Armstrong

Jesus is an undocumented immigrant working as a landscaper. He accidentally witnesses a horrific event but is terrified to speak to the police due to his immigration status.

Key Relationships

Employee of Mauricio

Christian is a technician tasked with the stressful job of maintaining cosmetic equipment for a demanding political figure. He constantly scrambles to fix sabotage without drawing attention to security breaches.

Key Relationships

Employee of The President

Friend of Spalding