Leigh-Cheri is a 19-year-old deposed princess living in exile in Seattle. Following a recent miscarriage, she drops out of the University of Washington and leaves her cheerleading squad. She relocates to her parents' house with a determination to act maturely. She possesses long, bright red hair and a strong desire to actively save the world rather than act as a passive royal figurehead. Her idealism prompts her to attend the Geo-Therapy Care Fest in Hawaii.

Bernard is a fugitive bomber who uses explosives to protest social issues and disrupt the status quo. He lives under the alias "the Woodpecker" following his involvement in anti-war protests during the 1960s. He dyes his naturally red hair black to avoid law enforcement and views his outlaw status as a philosophical calling rather than criminal behavior. He believes strongly in romance and challenges conventional expectations of maturity.

Gulietta is the octogenarian nursemaid to the exiled royal family. Despite speaking no English, she efficiently manages the Seattle household. She understands Leigh-Cheri's grief better than the girl's own parents do and gifts her a pet frog for comfort. She displays a surprising adaptability to modern life, eagerly purchasing a bikini for the Hawaiian trip she takes as a chaperone.

Max is a deposed king living in a CIA-funded house in Seattle under the condition that he avoids politics in his homeland. A former avid poker player, he abandoned the game after receiving a mechanical heart valve that makes a loud ticking noise, ruining his ability to bluff. He spends his days watching sports on television and plotting an advantageous marriage for his daughter.

Tilli is an exiled queen related to almost every royal family in Europe. Her daily routine consists largely of trying on different outfits and conversing with her small dog. She possesses limited English proficiency, relying heavily on commercial television catchphrases to communicate with those around her.

The Author is a metafictional writer actively attempting to document the novel's events using a brand-new electric typewriter. He regularly interrupts the main narrative to share his frustrations with the writing process. He views his machine as a modern adversary that struggles to capture the passion and animalistic nature of the story he wants to tell.

Chuck poses as a general handyman for the Furstenberg-Barcalona family. Everyone in the household is fully aware that he is actually a CIA operative planted to monitor King Max and ensure the deposed monarch makes no attempts to return to power.

A'ben Fizel is a foreign leader and NBA team owner whom King Max selects as a potential suitor for Leigh-Cheri. He possesses significant resources and political power, which he uses to attempt to win the princess's favor and construct massive architectural projects.

Nina Jablonski is a pregnant, red-haired defense attorney who represents Bernard. She attempts to manage his legal troubles while dealing with his refusal to cooperate with traditional legal strategies.

Prince Charming is a pet frog given to Leigh-Cheri by Gulietta following the princess's miscarriage. He serves as Leigh-Cheri's silent confidant as she ponders the moon and her future.

Montana Judy is a former member of the Woodpecker Gang who previously participated in Bernard's anti-war bombings and contraceptive experiments. She eventually grew tired of his lunar cycle research and turned him into the authorities.

Dude Wrangle is a former Hollywood cowboy who runs an onion ranch. He witnesses a toddler being left behind at a gas station and takes the boy home to raise as his own.

Kathleen is an ex-philosophy professor married to Dude Wrangle. She helps raise the abandoned toddler they take in, eventually ensuring he receives a formal education by sending him to a Swiss boarding school.