As Brown introduces the book and begins examining the nuance of different emotions in this section, she begins to develop the major themes of the book.

First, Brown develops the benefits of being able to identify emotions on a granular level. While the research might be fun for an emotions researcher, the reader may wonder what good this research is for everyone else. In this first section, Brown begins to explain how language allows better understanding of ourselves and empathy for others: “Language is our portal to meaning-making-connection, healing, learning, and self-awareness. Having access to the right words can open up entire universes” (xxi). 

Brown believes that learning to identify and describe our emotions and experiences helps us to better know ourselves and know what we need. For example, when we know how to identify anxious behavior, we can more critically examine our anxiety and where it is coming from. Brown quotes Elizabeth Gilbert’s Instagram post that says: “You are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety” (9). Brown describes how anxiety’s coping mechanisms, such as worry or avoidance, can make it feel like we are in control of our anxiety. By listing all possible outcomes in worry, it might seem like we are trying to be prepared. By knowing that both worry and zigzagging around our problems are coping mechanisms, we can try to dig deeper and recognize what is really going on with our anxiety, etc. Being vulnerable about important experiences helps us to be more present to them. For example, in Brown’s research people listed experiences like sending a child off to college, starting a business, or trying to have a baby amidst infertility as vulnerable experiences. Brown believes that we owe it to ourselves to be present to those experiences rather than minimize them or hide them from ourselves. Brown says that this is braver than acting like we aren’t impacted in the first place: “Courage requires the willingness to lean into uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (14).

Similarly, Brown shows the impact that understanding emotions has in relationships. While Brown later emphasizes that we cannot assume what others are experiencing, she regularly discusses how understanding emotions helps foster connection. She says, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other” (xx). When describing the difference between stress and overwhelm, Brown explains how the restaurant would help differently if servers said, “I’m in the weeds” (indicating stress) or “I’m blown” (indicating overwhelm). When a server was stressed, the others would help them with their work: “Back in the day, if I walked into the kitchen and told another waiter ‘I’m in the weeds’—the response would be, ‘What do you need?’ I might say, ‘Can you take bread to table 2 and 4 and re-tea tables 3 and 5, please?’” (5). The response would be different if the person was overwhelmed: “When you’re blown, you can either step outside or into the cooler or go to the bathroom (and cry). Whatever you need” (5). This shows how understanding what people mean when they are stressed versus overwhelmed can help us help each other. 

Another major theme Brown develops is that to be specific about what we are experiencing requires vulnerability. To identify what we are truly experiencing requires vulnerability and honesty. It won’t always sound complimentary or pump our egos to admit what we are feeling. For example, Brown explains that admitting to envy can be difficult: “The fact that hostility and a desire for denigration are sometimes a part of envy make it hard to own that emotion” (26). However, Brown gives many examples of what can happen to relationships when we aren’t honest about our feelings. For example, Brown explains in Chapter 2 how resentment usually stems from envy. It is easier to huff and puff at someone, like the sister in Home for the Holidays, than to say, “I feel envious of the life you have,” etc. Vulnerability is painful, which is why we often mask feelings from others and even ourselves. However, Brown shows how masking these experiences can lead to further relationship problems, like the sister being cruel to her siblings in Home for the Holidays. Brown says, “I know running away from the pain and anxiety is way riskier than leaning in and locking eyes with it” (xix). 

When we “lock eyes” with what we are really feeling, we are able to have genuine connection with others. Brown explains how alienated she felt as a child. Because her family didn’t talk about emotions, she thought she was the only one feeling that way: “For children, it’s easy for everything to become a source of shame when nothing is normalized. You assume that if no one is talking about it, it must just be you” (xiv). Brown explores different ways that this can develop in adulthood and communities. For example, when exploring schadenfreude, Brown explains that it can make us feel that we are connecting with each other, but it’s just a counterfeit. Brown believes it’s tempting for groups to celebrate the downfall of an enemy or someone we don’t like, but she argues, “That type of bonding might feel good for a moment, but nothing that celebrates the humiliation or pain of another person builds lasting connection” (34). This harms our empathy and ability to connect with others.