Papa Turd, also known as Pere Ubu, is the Captain of Dragoons in Poland. Modeled after playwright Alfred Jarry's physics teacher, he is a physically grotesque figure with a large pointed head and protruding stomach. Though he initially claims to be content with his military rank, his dormant ambition flares when presented with the prospect of absolute power. He lacks basic empathy and views his soldiers and constituents merely as stepping stones to greater wealth.

Mama Turd, or Mere Ubu, is the ambitious wife of the Captain of Dragoons. She possesses sharp political foresight and understands the maneuvering necessary to secure and maintain absolute authority. Driven by a desire for Poland's royal treasures, she constantly pushes her husband toward extreme actions while criticizing his shortsightedness.

King Wenceslaus is the current ruler of Poland. He is an orderly and polite monarch who places a great deal of trust in his subordinates. His confidence in his own authority causes him to dismiss warnings from his wife, leaving him vulnerable to those seeking his crown.

Buggerlaus is the fourteen-year-old son of King Wenceslaus and Queen Rosamunde. He demonstrates early hostility toward Papa Turd and refuses to hide his disdain. Following a sudden political upheaval, he takes on the responsibility of pursuing vengeance and restoring his family's legacy.

Captain Bordure is a military officer and a self-described mortal enemy of King Wenceslaus. He possesses tactical intelligence and commands his own men. Drawn by the promise of being named the Duke of Lithuania, he enters into a violent conspiracy to alter the Polish power structure.

Coccyx is a designated Champion and supporter of Papa Turd. He functions as a military enforcer and subordinate. He is expected to follow orders and perform manual labor for his superiors during military campaigns.

Pile is another of Papa Turd's Champions and military supporters. He assists in executing violent plans but holds a low tolerance for his leader's laziness. When faced with practical survival challenges, Pile demands that everyone contribute to the group's labor.

Queen Rosamunde is the wife of King Wenceslaus. She possesses a sharp intuition and experiences prophetic dreams regarding the safety of the royal family. Her foresight is tragically ignored by her husband, forcing her to rely on her youngest son for protection during a sudden crisis.

Ladislaus is one of the young sons of King Wenceslaus and Queen Rosamunde. He accompanies his father in public appearances and represents the royal lineage of Poland.

Boleslaus is a son of King Wenceslaus and Queen Rosamunde. He remains close to his father during royal duties and celebrations.

Gyron is a Champion loyal to Papa Turd. He acts as an enforcer and guard for the new leadership. He is eventually assigned to assist Mama Turd with securing the nation's financial assets.

General Lasky is a military leader in the Polish army. He attempts to manage troop movements and spot enemy advancements amidst the chaotic and nonsensical leadership of his superiors.

Nicholas Rensky is a young messenger who delivers urgent intelligence regarding the royal treasury and troop movements to military leadership. His accurate reports are met with unearned skepticism.

Czar Alexis is the ruler of Russia. He commands a large army and possesses the political authority to appoint foreign defectors to military positions in exchange for their loyalty and service.