Getting to Yes

Disputes often lead to resentment, rancor, hurt pride, and anger. These inspire conflict rather than resolution. The first negotiating principle of Getting to YES is to disentangle strong feelings from the issues to be decided and replace them with a willingness to work together with the other side to solve mutual problems. This approach leads to much better agreements.

Negotiations sometimes begin with each side angrily staring the other down. This inspires tit-for-tat threats and counterthreats until each party believes the other side is the problem. Proposals promptly get criticized, negotiators feel personally rejected or that their honor is besmirched, and participants cease to listen to the other side.

To break this vicious cycle, the book advises that negotiators follow a simple rule: “Do not push back” (110). Instead, they should ask their counterparts to describe their thoughts and feelings, and listen to the replies without interrupting or critiquing them. This helps to clear the air: “Freed from the burden of unexpressed emotions, people will become more likely to work on the problem” (33). Listening carefully and calmly provides a negotiator with important information that can be used later to craft a better agreement.

A team can then respond with their own concerns—not in an angry or accusatory way but from a personal

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