Martin is a 50-year-old art history lecturer at the University of South Anglia. Raised by a harsh, bitter mother, he attended Cambridge on a scholarship, where he attached himself to Ben Fitzmaurice. Decades ago, Martin took the blame for a fatal car crash caused by Ben, only to be cast out of the wealthy Fitzmaurice circle when he became politically inconvenient. Currently suspended from his job over his use of the term "orientalism" in a lecture, Martin receives an unexpected invitation to a Fitzmaurice family funeral.

Serena is Ben's elegant wife, raised by a father who tied her worth entirely to her physical beauty. She currently struggles with menopause, disordered eating, and a marriage hollowed out by her husband's infidelities. Exhausted by her performative role as a supportive political spouse, she begins making small, calculated choices to disrupt Ben's comfort, starting with secretly inviting his estranged friend to a family funeral.

Ben is the charismatic Energy Secretary and a wealthy scion of the Fitzmaurice dynasty. He relies on his inherited privilege, financial resources, and influential network to maintain his status and suppress any scandals that threaten his ambition. Preparing to launch a bid for the Conservative Party leadership, he views loyalty as a transactional commodity and readily discards people when they lose their political utility.

Richard is a middle-class backbench MP who lost his ministerial position after workplace CCTV captured him watching pornography on his office computer. Desperate to rebuild his shattered public image, he agrees to appear on a reality television show called *Shit Happens!* He views an invitation to a high-profile funeral as a lifeline to re-enter elite political circles.

Cosima is Ben and Serena's 17-year-old daughter. Disgusted by her parents' wealth and her father's political policies, she secretly joins the radical environmental group Oblivion Oil under the codename Pineapple, blockading oil terminals in Essex. She aligns herself with outsiders and marginalized figures, feeling a strong kinship with her late aunt over their shared alienation from the family.

Andrew is a wealthy hedge fund manager and an old school friend of the Prime Minister and Ben Fitzmaurice. He uses his immense wealth to bankroll political campaigns, expecting absolute impunity and access in return. Crude, predatory, and deeply entitled, he operates under the assumption that his financial leverage shields him from all consequences.

Fliss is Ben's older sister, remembered as the "grey sheep" of the Fitzmaurice dynasty. Starved of parental affection and traumatized by childhood tragedy, she spent decades battling addiction and attempting various reinventions. Her recent death in Bali serves as the catalyst for the novel's events, though her family tightly controls the official explanation of how she died.

Joanne is a relentlessly cheerful therapist assigned to evaluate Martin following his suspension from the university. Her bright positivity grates on her patient, who actively conceals his true thoughts from her.

Sylvia is Martin's late mother. Cold and bitter, she raised him alone and instilled in him the belief that life is something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

Vicky was a young woman killed in a car crash decades ago. The cover-up of her death permanently altered the dynamics between Martin and the Fitzmaurice family.

Hannah is a formidable, successful lawyer and Richard's estranged wife. She viewed their marriage as one of convenience and departs immediately when his career implodes.

Gary is a crisis PR agent hired to manage Richard's ruined reputation. He pitches reality television appearances as a way to rebrand his client for a modern audience.

Terri is Richard's office manager. She organizes his schedule and passes along crucial invitations from powerful political figures.

Mickey is the host of the popular YouTube podcast *Talking the Mickey*. He asks blunt, uncomfortable questions about his guests' public scandals.

River is the charismatic leader of the radical environmental group Oblivion Oil. He orchestrates dangerous protests at fuel terminals and commands fierce dedication from his young followers while holding closely guarded secrets about the establishment figures he targets.

Meadow is an environmental activist. She participates in dangerous blockades and expresses fierce dedication to the group's cause.

Derek is a Black man who befriended Fliss during her time in Bali. He attends her funeral to dispute the family's official narrative regarding her death.

Edward is the Prime Minister of the UK and a long-time friend of Ben Fitzmaurice. He belongs to the same exclusive network of privately educated politicians who protect one another's interests.

Violet is a friend of Serena who secretly engages in a sexual affair with Ben.

Jacob is a university student who accuses Martin of racism. His filmed confrontation with his lecturer goes viral and results in a national media scandal.

Dominic is a powerful barrister and Jacob's father. He uses his legal influence to escalate the classroom dispute into a formal crisis.

Lady Katherine is the matriarch of the Fitzmaurice family. She is highly critical, emotionally distant, and fiercely protective of her son's political standing.

Magnus was the youngest Fitzmaurice sibling who died of meningitis at age four. His early death permanently fractured the family's emotional foundation.

Bitsy is Andrew Jarvis's wife. She is highly inquisitive and casually cruel, openly insulting guests who fall outside her elite social circle.

Anna is a former schoolmate of Fliss. She encounters Fliss during a period of severe addiction, and the humiliating interaction prompts Fliss to make a disastrous phone call.

Alexander is an attractive young private banker with an American accent. He takes an immediate romantic interest in Martin upon meeting him at a high-society dinner.