Mr. Harry Horner is a well-known London playboy who has recently returned from a trip to France. He devises a scheme to pretend he has contracted a venereal disease that rendered him impotent, hoping this medical rumor will convince husbands to leave their wives alone with him. He views seduction as a competitive sport and prioritizes sexual conquest over emotional attachment. His public disdain for women masks his underlying goal of gaining unmonitored access to high-society households.

Mr. Frank Harcourt is a London gentleman who enjoys the city's lively social scene. Like his peers, he has a history of womanizing but finds his priorities shifting when he meets a principled young woman from the country. He uses his quick wit to engage in trickery, frequently outsmarting the foolish men around him to pursue his romantic interests.

Mr. Jack Pinchwife is a middle-aged former rake who has intentionally married a young, rural woman because he believes she will be easier to control than a sophisticated Londoner. His past behavior makes him intensely suspicious of other men, resulting in jealous paranoia. He resorts to extreme measures to isolate his bride, attempting to keep her locked away to prevent anyone from speaking to her.

Mrs. Margery Pinchwife is a young, naive woman recently relocated from the countryside to London. She chafes under her older husband's strict confinement and expresses intense curiosity about the city's sights, particularly the theatre. Because she is unfamiliar with London's social rules, she responds to male attention with unabashed interest rather than proper modesty.

Alithea Pinchwife is a beautiful and principled woman engaged to a foolish man she does not love. Unlike the other city women, she genuinely values her honor and word, feeling bound to her matrimonial promise despite her suitor's obnoxious behavior. She understands London society well but allows her strict adherence to duty to trap her in unhappy circumstances.

Mr. Dorilant is a gentleman who accompanies Horner and Harcourt throughout London society. He shares his friends' disdain for foolish husbands and enthusiastically participates in mocking the less perceptive members of their social circle. He enjoys the chaotic situations that arise from his friends' romantic pursuits, often acting as a wingman.

Mr. Sparkish is a socially oblivious man who believes himself to be highly intelligent and witty. He frequently forces his way into gatherings where he is not wanted, failing to realize that the other men are openly mocking him. He values social status over personal connection, viewing his upcoming marriage primarily as an opportunity to make other men envious of his possessions.

Sir Jaspar Fidget is a busy aristocratic gentleman who pays very little attention to his spouse. He prioritizes his business affairs over his household and actively seeks out safe companions for the women in his family. Convinced by the medical rumors surrounding Horner, he practically begs the younger man to escort the ladies around town so he can work undisturbed.

Lady Fidget is an aristocratic woman who publicly demands strict adherence to propriety. Behind closed doors, she harbors deep frustration with her husband's neglect and uses her pristine public reputation to cover her pursuit of private entertainment. She eagerly adapts to the rumors surrounding Horner once she realizes how they might benefit her social standing.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget is a London socialite who travels alongside Lady Fidget. She shares her family's obsession with maintaining a flawless outward appearance while privately seeking out the excitement her domestic life lacks. She operates under the assumption that a woman's virtue is only compromised if a scandal becomes public knowledge.

Mrs. Squeamish is a young noblewoman who complains bitterly about men ignoring women of quality in favor of lower-class trysts. She views social interactions through the lens of reputation management. She relies on her grandmother to monitor her behavior, though she frequently seeks ways to avoid that supervision.

Old Lady Squeamish acts as a chaperone and guardian of her family's virtue. She fiercely monitors her granddaughter's movements to prevent any hint of scandal. However, she completely alters her strict standards once she believes a man poses no physical threat to her family's honor based on city gossip.

The Quack is a medical professional who acts as a charlatan for his wealthy clients. He agrees to compromise his medical integrity by diagnosing a healthy man with a debilitating condition, purely for financial gain. He frequently observes the chaotic results of his handiwork from the sidelines, amazed by how easily the public believes his lies.

Lucy is an observant maid who understands London's social dynamics better than many of her wealthy employers. She recognizes Sparkish's foolishness immediately and finds her mistress's stubborn loyalty to him baffling. Unbeholden to the strict social rules of the aristocracy, she freely shares her practical opinions on love and marriage and actively works to alter her mistress's fate.