A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy

Gather initial thoughts and broad opinions about the book.

1. The memoir opens with a prologue depicting a moment of intense violence before flashing back to Tia’s childhood. How did beginning the story this way shape your reading experience and your perception of the events that followed?

2. How did you find the experience of reading this memoir? Did it differ from other memoirs about leaving high-control environments you may have read, such as Tara Westover’s Educated?

3. What aspect of Tia’s story resonated with you most deeply or proved most difficult to read? Was it a specific scene, a particular teaching she encountered, or the behavior of one of the characters?

Encourage readers to connect the book’s themes and characters with their personal experiences.

1. Tia comes to believe that following a strict set of rules is the only way to guarantee safety and salvation. Think about a time in your life when you sought out a clear formula or a defined path to follow. What was the appeal of that structure, and what were its limitations?

2. Michael accepts parts of Tia that she increasingly feels pressured to suppress. How have friendships in your own life helped you stay connected to who you are, especially during times of pressure or significant change?

3. Judith Small acts as a mentor who guides Tia deeper into fundamentalism. Thinking about mentorship more broadly, have you ever had a mentor or guide who significantly influenced your beliefs or choices? What made that person’s guidance influential?

4. The search for belonging is a powerful motivator for Tia and her family when they first join the megachurch. Have you ever belonged to a close-knit group or community whose expectations shaped your choices? What made that sense of belonging comforting or limiting?

5. Through the Trapdoor Society, Tia finds a space to explore ideas she cannot express openly in her everyday life. Can you relate to the experience of needing to maintain a different public self from your private self? What circumstances made that separation necessary for you?

6. Tia is initially drawn to the order, purpose, and spiritual safety promised by fundamentalism. Have you ever encountered a belief system, community, or way of life that appealed to you because it offered a sense of certainty or structure? What made it appealing?

Examine the book’s relevance to societal issues, historical events, or cultural themes.

1. How did knowing that figures like Bill Gothard and the Duggars are real-world people, whose scandals have been in the news, influence your reading of Tia’s personal story? What does this connection suggest about the gap between the public image and private reality of these movements?

2. The book details movements such as Quiverfull and practices such as Christian Domestic Discipline. How do ideas associated with these movements and practices, such as male headship and restrictions on women’s reproductive choices, relate to broader contemporary debates about gender and family?

3. A counselor at First Baptist reads Tia’s six-page letter detailing years of abuse and tells her he sees cases like it “all the time.” How does this response illustrate the role religious institutions can play in responding to or perpetuating abuse?

Dive into the book’s structure, characters, themes, and symbolism.

1. The domino motif appears several times, representing sequences of choices and consequences. How does the meaning of this motif change as Tia’s sense of agency develops throughout the memoir?

2. What significance does the Blue House hold in the narrative? How does Levings use the contrast between its idyllic appearance and the isolation and abuse that occur within it?

3. The memoir provides context for Allan’s behavior by mentioning his own traumatic childhood. How does the book acknowledge the influence of his past while maintaining his responsibility for the abuse he inflicts?

4. How does Levings use the recurring motif of rules and lists to illustrate the theme of weaponized theology? How do these lists, from husband qualifications to behavioral formulas, represent Tia’s attempt to control a chaotic and dangerous reality?

5. How does the act of writing itself function as a form of resistance for Tia? Consider how her blog, Living Deliberately, and her involvement with the Trapdoor Society give her opportunities to express herself and question the beliefs and circumstances shaping her life.

6. How would you describe Levings’s writing style, especially when detailing traumatic events? In what ways does her prose compare to the styles of other memoirists who tackle difficult personal histories, such as Jeannette Walls in The Glass Castle?

Encourage imaginative and creative connections to the book.

1. Imagine you are creating a playlist for A Well-Trained Wife. What songs would you choose to represent key stages of Tia’s journey: her free-spirited childhood in Michigan, her entrapment in the marriage, her escape, and her slow process of healing?

2. The title A Well-Trained Wife is both direct and ironic. If you were asked to give the memoir an alternative title that captures another essential aspect of the story, what would it be, and why would you choose it?

3. The book concludes with Tia planning a solo trip, embracing an unwritten future. Imagine you’re writing a brief epilogue set during this journey. What experiences or reflections would you include to continue the memoir’s exploration of freedom, belonging, and self-determination?