A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy

The prologue opens on October 28, 2007, as the narrator, Tia, was struck by her husband, Allan. His forearm cuffed her cheek, and the force knocked her to the floor, where she lay and blamed herself for having remained in the marriage despite its effects on her family. At 33, with four children and numerous pets, she understood that staying in the abusive marriage could teach her sons to become abusers and her daughter to accept abuse. She felt trapped, lacking an education or a job and unsure where she could turn, since she had concealed the reality of her marriage even from her parents. Allan had threatened to kill her or take their children, and her church had dismissed his claims of seeing demons as “spiritual warfare,” prescribing more submission from her as the solution. Although Tia had begged Allan to see a doctor, he refused medical help, while the church discouraged both medical intervention and divorce. Tia recognized that no one was coming to save her. She resolved that it was up to her to save herself and her children, and she got up from the floor to get the children.

In 1984, 10-year-old Tia Levings’s family moved from Michigan to Jacksonville, Florida, after a bankruptcy. Feeling displaced, Tia’s mother encouraged the family to attend a local megachurch, First Baptist, to find community. Although Tia resisted attending, she gradually learned that suppressing her own unhappiness and cooperating with church attendance pleased her family and, she believed, God. Tia’s experience there was marked by loss; she befriended a girl named Hannah, whose mother died of cancer despite the girls’ repeated prayers for a miracle. After Hannah stopped attending, Tia concluded that God could take anyone at any time and feared that failing to submit could bring punishment upon her family. Enrolled in Grace Christian Academy, a private religious school, she was bullied for her appearance by classmates Kelly and Paul and subjected to fear-based indoctrination using graphic films about the rapture and abortion. Her resulting fear intensified her anxiety about whether she was truly saved, and she repeatedly prayed the Sinner’s Prayer. She found a brief reprieve in a friendship with a rebellious girl named Marci, with whom she felt less afraid and more able to express herself. Marci later introduced her to an older boy, Troy, who attempted to sexually assault her in a camper while threatening her with his dog. Tia interpreted the incident as the danger of adolescence and her own sinfulness, ended her friendship with Marci, and resolved to become the best Christian she could be, interpreting her parents’ subsequent decision to fix her teeth and send her to summer camp as evidence that fearing God and obeying religious expectations brought earthly blessing and eternal security.

A year later, the narrator believed there were unstated rules for salvation and began studying her church community to learn them. At 14, she absorbed teachings that her future should center on becoming a modest and sexually pure Christian wife and mother and that having many children represented a woman’s highest calling; she also came to believe that continued tithing could bring God’s blessing even amid poverty. When Pastor Homer G. Lindsay Jr. recounted proposing to his wife after knowing her for only three weeks, however, Tia wondered whether she had been free to say “wait” or “no.” At summer camp, her quest for these rules intensified. She learned about “Gothard homeschoolers,” Christians who followed additional strict rules, which intrigued her. Camp featured intense sermons against rock music, pornography, and gay people, and sexual teachings prompted memories of her encounter with Troy. After asking Reverend Richards to explain sexual terms he used in a sermon, Tia concluded that asking questions made her less innocent and decided that remaining quiet was another rule.

Charity Miller, Hannah’s older sister serving as a camp counselor and a Gothard Christian, introduced the concepts of biblical courtship and betrothal as rules for girls. The camp culminated in a repentance session where youths nailed pledge cards to a cross. Here, the narrator had a revelation: Following the rules was salvation itself, as it made a person less sinful and more worthy of God’s blessing. Believing she had finally unlocked the secret to heaven, she was left with a new conflict, wondering how to reconcile her faith with her desires for things in the secular world.

During her senior year, Tia navigated a double life, separating her passion for art and her close friendship with Michael from her church’s strict purity culture. A visit from a Savannah College of Art and Design scout ignited a dream to become a Christian artist, but she lacked the grades for scholarships, and her parents could not afford the tuition. Tia eventually concluded that pursuing her own ambitions conflicted with the narrow path she associated with salvation, and she packed away her notebooks and art portfolios. After graduating, Tia felt purposeless, working at a daycare and considering attending Word of Life Bible Institute. Her father declined to finance the plan, while Dr. Jerry Vines told her that church funds were reserved for men called into ministry. During this period of uncertainty, Tia began severely restricting her food intake to feel a sense of control.

After two brief, failed courtships with other sailors left her despondent, Tia met Allan at a church hayride. Their relationship progressed rapidly, with Allan soon discussing marriage and a short engagement. During an aggressive physical encounter, Allan ignored Tia’s attempts to redirect his hands, triggering memories of Troy. Later, he described his troubled relationship with his father, including a physical confrontation between them. Tia interpreted Allan’s pain through her understanding of Christian marriage, believing that God could heal him through her love and that she could become the “right wife” who made him happy. She ultimately told Allan she loved him and chose a future with him.

Determined to accept Allan as God’s plan, Tia went on a date to the beach, where Allan grew jealous, accused her of being a slut, and slammed his forearm into her throat. He walked away from her, then returned to menace her with his car before ordering her into it. Later that night, he restrained and sexually pressured her despite her attempts to pull away. As Allan’s possessiveness escalated, he isolated Tia from her friends. She confided a little to her friend Ruth Ellen, who advised her to be more submissive.

At a dinner where Allan declared his love and proposed, he also demanded that Tia only see Michael with a chaperone; she subsequently ended the friendship. While planning the wedding, Tia secretly endured Allan’s threats and violence. During a required premarital counseling session, Reverend Brewer reviewed their personality tests, told them they had failed the compatibility test, and strongly recommended they not get married. Allan dismissed the warning as a sales pitch, and Tia, feeling trapped, proceeded with the wedding plans. Despite her father’s last-minute expression of doubt, she married Allan. At the wedding, Michael told her he was moving to New York and then left. The chapter closes with Tia reflecting that the previous 10 years had “groomed [her] for the life ahead” (62).